30 minute bedtime

[CandyCanes23]

I have a nearly 7 year old DS1 and a 7 month old baby. I’m very conscious that DS1 had my undivided attention for the best part of 7 years and I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m doing the right thing?

Baby is in bed and settled by about 6.30. I then try and put DS1 to bed, and give him 30 minutes for bedtime. This includes toilet, brush teeth, get pyjamas on, he does some reading practice, I read him a short story/chapter, and we have a few minutes ‘stay time’ - a chat, an alphabet game, listening to something of his choice on Alexa etc. Me reading a story to him and stay time are very special to him, I think…

But there’s a lot of delaying tactics on his side, hence the 30 minutes timescale. Refusing to get ready for bed, in and out the bathroom, finding the right toys for bedtime, little dances etc. So I try and explain he’s using up stay time etc.

Tonight was another example, lots of mucking about. I refused to read him a story or do stay time. He cried. We had a chat about choosing to do the right thing. He says he has a good and bad side, and sometimes he doesn’t know why he does things. I tried to explain will power to him. I told him I love him, gave him a hug, but left him crying himself to sleep. I feel awful, but appreciate sometimes parenting is tough.

AIBU to expect DS1(aged nearly 7) to do bedtime in 30 minutes and have I gone about this the wrong way? I’ll be ready to take any criticism 😬

YABU to expect a 7 year old to get ready for bed in 30 minutes (including story time) and should take a different approach.

YANBU to expect a 7 year old to be ready for bed in 30 minutes and just need to hang on in there!

Gosh, this is tough. My eldest is 3yo so I’m obviously more flexible / forgiving with bedtime stalling. It must have been hard to leave him to cry himself to sleep though ☹️

My dd is a bit younger than yours but my first instinct is that your bedtime routine is too intellectual iyswim. Reading practice and an alphabet game are using his brain too much, it's waking him up. I think you should do those earlier in the day and have only low-challenge activities at bedtime. Eg you read to him

It’s all a bit much at bedtime I’d say. My boy is 6 and it’s around 45 mins but sometimes longer. He does teeth, pjs and we read 1-2 books and then I sit with him whilst he chats. My DH takes longer as they wrestle first 😆 I feel this isn’t necessary as it’s wind down time! I couldn’t leave my boy to cry himself to sleep ever. I think maybe yours is jealous of the other baby and sometimes needs more attention?

Similarly, having deep chats about willpower and having a bad side etc should ideally happen earlier in the day I reckon. His mind would be in turmoil with all that spinning around. Just keep it simple and not too much deep thinking just before bed

My 5yo needs a lot of prompting through the bedtime routine. I warn him he will get less story time. We always read him something but on a bad day it will only be 1 or 2 pages (Famous Five length books). My 8yo does this much less. We do sometimes leave her for the last bits e.g. going to the loo, putting moisturiser on etc.

I don't think I could manage a 30 min bedtime with all the faffing they do. Would love to, though.

Yes, totally see what you mean, and I’d agree, but it’s a struggle to fit in reading practice. 3.30 home from school, unwind. 4.30/5 Baby gets fed. 5/5.30 DS1 eats. 6 bath & bedtime for baby. Also DS1 tries to put it off as long as possible, and I guess I’ve let him. I’ll have a think where else I could fit it in. Thank you.

I read that willpower takes exactly the same sort of energy as physical or mental activity and hence is in short supply when you are tired. I find this true for myself, I have no willpower at bedtime. What you do about this situation though, IDK.

My DD is still an infant, however I am an older sibling with a similar age gap.

My instinct is that if ‘stay time’ is special to DS1 and it’s time limited to 30 minutes can you remove the ‘boring’ tasks (toilet, pjs, teeth) from this time ? Would he be able to complete these tasks himself while you put the baby to bed ? Or could they be done early and he plays/watches tv etc ready for bed while you do the baby ? Then ‘stay time’ could be more relaxed and focus on 1:1 connection rather than the admin of getting ready for bed.

That seems a vast amount to try to get done in 30 minutes. Isn't reading practice alone 10-15 min at age 7? And you can't expect him to switch from "work mode" to "relax for sleep mode" in only a few more minutes. Also, 7pm seems very early for a 7 year old to go to bed. Mine has lights out at 8:30pm.

Thank you! My partner (his Dad) puts him to bed quicker. Toilet, teeth, in bed, Alexa reads a story, done. Too quick in my mind, and I love bedtime but sometimes the faffing drives me mad. You hear so much about bedtime routines, I wasn’t sure whether I was right or wrong to put up with the faffing!

DS1 has had a huge change in his life with the arrival of DC2... Focus on the 1:1 quality time

30 minutes isn't very long. My DS is 4 and bedtime routine is more like 45 minutes although that does include bath time.
Have you tried to preempt his delaying tactics, like while you are putting the baby to bed could he choose what toys to take to bed and what story to read?
I do think him reading and doing an alphabet game is a lot at bedtime, but I can see you might not have a lot of time earlier. I'd keep it to you reading to him and then just a chat at bedtime.
Do you have a partner or friend who could take your baby for a bit in the day so DD1 gets 1:1 in the day too?

What time are you actually putting him to bed? My 6 year old is teeth and PJs at 7.30 and happily bed for around 8pm. The 7.5 year old teeth and pjs at the same time as the younger one but still dragging their feet at a 8.30pm bedtime and I'll quite often read or draw in bed until 9ish.

we don't do anything just before bed though, just quiet play or a bedtime story cuddled on the sofa and always conditional on them going to bed nicely. Messing around means a stricter bedtime the night after.

Why not make a new schedule together like a clock? Then you will see which bits are important to ds..an hour surely is worth giving him? There is a 6 year gap between my youngest 2. They get on fab still at 10 and 16. Remove any risk of your ds resenting the baby by upping his time with you. Is he involved with the baby's bedtime routine? No better time! Reading practice while you do the pj's? Spellings while the baby is in the bath? I still stand in the bathroom while ds 10 bathes..catch up time and have a laugh. No chores or distractions.. Make the bathroom a get together area!

My 8 and 6 year olds can easily take more like 90 minutes. I know it's ridiculous and they take the piss but even if they didn't the reading alone (them to me and me to them) is at least 30 minutes on its own so I could never do the whole shebang in half an hour.

It was :( I left the room and cried too. I know if you put consequences in place you should follow through with them, but because I felt so bad I thought I'd probably made a mistake with the whole set-up.

Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes we find ourselves in shit situations (of our own making) but we had the best possible intentions. I’m not sure what the right answer is but we live and learn…. If you ultimately decide it wasn’t the right thing to have done then you can do something different next time. I also broadly agree that once you’ve set your stall out you have to follow through. Xx

I’m a single mum so when mine were small I’d bath them together and into PJs, then baby to bed by 7, DS1 by half past. That was my time to have a cuppa and watch Corrie after a long day. I did plenty with them through the day so they weren’t lacking attention.
Your routine seems perfectly reasonable to me.

My DS is just 7 and we can do bedtime in 30 mins including some physio exercises he needs to do. I don’t tolerate much faffing though and the consequence is no story/less of a story read together.

@Melodysmum12 I do worry about the jealousy aspect. He's a great big brother and adores the baby, but I find bedtime really hard. I've tried to involve him, either reading them both a story, or DS1 reads baby a story. DS1 likes to be in the same room, but he can't keep still or quiet! It's too distracting for baby. So I've tried to explain they both get their own bedtime, on their own. Which doesn't work if baby wakes up crying during DS1 bedtime. It's so tricky!

I’m wondering if bathing your two together would ease things, that way they have time together to play in the bath and DS is in his PJs by the time it’s his half hour, so one less thing to faff over. That leaves more reading and settling time.

Can't you do reading/alphabet games in the morning??

Also, bedtime, get it down to ... Shower, teeth, toilet, pyjamas and in bed, then he gets 1 book/chapter read by you and then lights out. Stay if you like after, or leave. Whatever suits.

So it's exactly the same. Then there's no wiggle room. No delays etc.

Ditch the alphabet games/Alexa/whatever.

Agree with others, bed time routine needs to be simpler and less stimulating - so just toilet, teeth, PJ's and story/stay time.
We do drink & snack as soon as we get in from school, followed by reading & 10 minutes tt rockstars, then chill/unwind time until food is ready Would this work for you?

This definitely a swift bedtime routine and too early