30 minute bedtime

[CandyCanes23]

I have a nearly 7 year old DS1 and a 7 month old baby. I’m very conscious that DS1 had my undivided attention for the best part of 7 years and I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m doing the right thing?

Baby is in bed and settled by about 6.30. I then try and put DS1 to bed, and give him 30 minutes for bedtime. This includes toilet, brush teeth, get pyjamas on, he does some reading practice, I read him a short story/chapter, and we have a few minutes ‘stay time’ - a chat, an alphabet game, listening to something of his choice on Alexa etc. Me reading a story to him and stay time are very special to him, I think…

But there’s a lot of delaying tactics on his side, hence the 30 minutes timescale. Refusing to get ready for bed, in and out the bathroom, finding the right toys for bedtime, little dances etc. So I try and explain he’s using up stay time etc.

Tonight was another example, lots of mucking about. I refused to read him a story or do stay time. He cried. We had a chat about choosing to do the right thing. He says he has a good and bad side, and sometimes he doesn’t know why he does things. I tried to explain will power to him. I told him I love him, gave him a hug, but left him crying himself to sleep. I feel awful, but appreciate sometimes parenting is tough.

AIBU to expect DS1(aged nearly 7) to do bedtime in 30 minutes and have I gone about this the wrong way? I’ll be ready to take any criticism 😬

YABU to expect a 7 year old to get ready for bed in 30 minutes (including story time) and should take a different approach.

YANBU to expect a 7 year old to be ready for bed in 30 minutes and just need to hang on in there!

We never linked reading to bedtime. Bedtime was simply getting ready for bed. Could you maybe do his reading once baby is asleep, then a few games, gradually winding down to some chat, you reading to him; then upstairs loo teeth pyjamas hop into bed kiss goodnight

(we never did bedtime so early either, but I appreciate all children are different)

Its rare for me to say this on mnet but is he maybe going to bed a bit early? At this age my DS suddenly managed better and bedtime had to move to 7.30. Now he is 7.5 its 7.45 and we've agreed it will be 8pm when he is 8.

Ps have DS reading to you at 4 30pm while baby feeds. I did this with my elder one.

Agree in bringing the reading forward, if he’s home at 3.30 then you should be able to fit it in. It’s a hard time when a sibling arrives, especially with a longish gap so important to keep the bedtime parts he enjoys. I’d just stick to you reading and no mind / stimulation games.

I think you're too rigid. I would let DS1 stay up later and I would only ever remove story as an absolute last resort, if their behaviour was very bad I.e. totally ignoring instructions. The delaying tactics are normal. I just remind mine constantly, issue instructions over and over. I would lure with stories, not threaten, I.e. 'if you're quick with your pyjamas maybe we'll have time for two stories!'

I wouldn't ever leave them crying to sleep. I might leave them cry for a bit and then come back in but only ever if they'd been really naughty and they needed to calm down a bit. I feel like taking away story and stay time after talking about his bad choices might have left him with the impression he is bad and you don't think he deserves your time. That's not to say its irreparable damage, but I would never want mine to end the day with that thought.

Thank you, your replies have all been really supportive and there's some really good ideas here, like planning bedtime with him like a clock, or reading whilst baby eats. I take on board that his bedtime may be too early, I've tended to do this as I try to work during the evening when the children are in bed (self-employed), but quite often I'm too exhausted by the time I've finished bedtime (particularly with tonight's mental anguish!) so it's self-defeating. I'll give this more thought.

I did feel awful :( at the risk of derailing my own thread, one of the things I'm struggling with is he keeps smacking my bottom. I have asked him to stop, I have told him to stop. He thinks it's funny so he should be able to do it, I've told him it makes me unhappy so he should stop. He knows he shouldn't do it, but he keeps choosing to do it. He is a lovely, kind little boy, but this one key behaviour (along with other lesser examples of not stopping actions) is driving me crazy, both as a reaction but also trying to get him to stop. I tried to explain this to him again at bedtime and realise now that I have probably caused too much confusion and stress. I'll give him extra cuddles in the morning!

Don’t feel terrible. He’ll have forgotten by morning but it’s worth a chat and explain that you had asked him repeatedly not to do it, and it made you cross. You can still have extra cuddles but be careful you don’t undermine your message through guilt.

My oldest often resisted bedtime - he’s still not great at dropping off to sleep but we had an agreement he could play QUIETLY in his room with Lego or a book if he couldn’t sleep.
It’s not for everyone but might that work, a little independent down time?

Am I the only one who thinks both the timing and 30 mins is totally unreasonable as a wind-down routine for a child or adult. Your son deserves a proper bedtime routine: minimum 45 mins more usually an hour in run time, didn’t see a bath mentioned in your OP, 3 stories is industry standard and you should stay until the child is asleep. These routines are believed to be the most soothing and therefore likely to form secure attachment bonds.

Seems too early for his bedtime at seven, and it's so rushed he may feel you sort the baby and then rush him into bed as quick as possible. Also I'd try and avoid any serious discussions on behaviour at bedtime especially a bedtime youre trying to rush through. You sound absolutely lovely and so concerned for both, all the best.

Parenting is a minefield isn't it?! I don't turn the light off when I leave, I'd love for him to read to himself, that's something we're working towards, but sometimes he'll draw until he feels more tired. Once he's asleep I go back and turn his light off. I think I'll have a chat with him and see what he likes about bedtime.

Thank you :) I think, on reflection, his bedtime is rushed, and it shouldn't be. I'll look at some of the ways I can reduce the rush.

Even without any stalling, I can’t see fitting in a proper bedtime in 30 minutes. You need at least 20 minutes just for reading. 3 to brush teeth. The rest doesn’t possibly fit in 7 minutes.

Can you split it with DH and alternate each day so you get a break from doing it, but also on your days you can be a little more flexible and let it take longer if need be?

Maybe he's picking up on you 'rushing it'?

If baby starts crying during his bedtime, can DH see to baby? If so, say something to your DS1 like 'baby can wait, it's your turn for bedtime now' so he sees that he is still a priority for you

I think this is the nub of the issue - I've been in the same position and a snappy mum desperate to get the children to bed so you can get on with work basically is a recipe for disaster. You are stressed and impatient, they are needy, getting tired and picking up on a chink of weakness,

why not be the best mum every other hour of the day but let dad do bedtime? Put the baby down, then a big cuddle, lots of affection and love but wave him off as bedtime is dad's special thing to do, just for now.

Then get childcare organised for the 7mo in the near future so you can crack on with work during the day some days and do bedtime the way you want those days without the deadline of catching up on work looming over you.

It really is a minefield and I feel for you. Mine have grown up now but your posts have taken me right back. Go easy on yourself. There’s enough to worry about but you’re doing a good job. This stage is hard but you’ll figure it out (or move to the next stage!)

My DC are a few years older and bedtime is an hour.........

It is hardly his fault that there is a big age difference between him and the baby and giving him half an hour at most is really sad. I understand that you want to work but can't his Dad put him to bed? The child must know that his bedtime is another chore that you are desperate to finish up as soon as possible.

Letting the child cry himself to sleep and then his mum is on MN later in the evening...

Bedtime routines are ahead of you for the next ten years at least. Your son doesn't need to change his behaviour. You need to change yours.

Punishing a young child by refusing to read or chat to them, then leaving them to cry themselves to sleep is cruel. I think the bedtime is too short, Op. You need to extend it by 15 mins and as others have said drop some of the intellectual content at bedtime. Poor child worrying about having a bad side at that age too. He probably already feels pushed out due to the new sibling.

It’s tough and I sympathise but I have to agree with some pps. I personally feel like you’re trying to ‘fit in’ all kinds of things which deserve your attention at other times and taking away things he values. And tbh I think 30 mins is a very short time anyway!

If your child smacks you

Then expects bedtime stories

They can be told no

Definitely far too early at that age, he's probably not tired. My son is exactly the same age and has hobbies 3nts a week that means he's not even home until about 7.15. My 3yr old doesn't go to bed until about 7.30.
We do teeth brushing downstairs now and so when it's time to go upstairs the only thing to do is read a story, then kiss/cuddle and done. Takes 5mins.

Definitely far too early at that age, he's probably not tired. My son is exactly the same age and has hobbies 3nts a week that means he's not even home until about 7.15. My 3yr old doesn't go to bed until about 7.30.
We do teeth brushing downstairs now and so when it's time to go upstairs the only thing to do is read a story, then kiss/cuddle and done. Takes 5mins.

Sorry that should be 15 not 5!

I wouldn't take away his special time with you, he will treasure that. Also nip the notion in the bud that he has a "bad" side. He's an ordinary human being like the rest of us- he's isn't perfect and makes mistakes but he isn't "bad".

At that age both my kids could dick about infinitely at bed time 😁 so it may not be to do with the new addition.
Half an hour is not an unreasonable amount of time for the whole routine though. It's back through the mists of time but I think I remember explaining that grown ups need some time to themselves at the end of the day. Did it work? Probably not.