30 minute bedtime

[CandyCanes23]

I have a nearly 7 year old DS1 and a 7 month old baby. I’m very conscious that DS1 had my undivided attention for the best part of 7 years and I’m questioning myself as to whether I’m doing the right thing?

Baby is in bed and settled by about 6.30. I then try and put DS1 to bed, and give him 30 minutes for bedtime. This includes toilet, brush teeth, get pyjamas on, he does some reading practice, I read him a short story/chapter, and we have a few minutes ‘stay time’ - a chat, an alphabet game, listening to something of his choice on Alexa etc. Me reading a story to him and stay time are very special to him, I think…

But there’s a lot of delaying tactics on his side, hence the 30 minutes timescale. Refusing to get ready for bed, in and out the bathroom, finding the right toys for bedtime, little dances etc. So I try and explain he’s using up stay time etc.

Tonight was another example, lots of mucking about. I refused to read him a story or do stay time. He cried. We had a chat about choosing to do the right thing. He says he has a good and bad side, and sometimes he doesn’t know why he does things. I tried to explain will power to him. I told him I love him, gave him a hug, but left him crying himself to sleep. I feel awful, but appreciate sometimes parenting is tough.

AIBU to expect DS1(aged nearly 7) to do bedtime in 30 minutes and have I gone about this the wrong way? I’ll be ready to take any criticism 😬

YABU to expect a 7 year old to get ready for bed in 30 minutes (including story time) and should take a different approach.

YANBU to expect a 7 year old to be ready for bed in 30 minutes and just need to hang on in there!

I think him smacking you on the bum is him trying to let you know he needs more of you, not less. Children find it hard to distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. I think it might be worth trying to even just for a week or two really really minimize your reaction to any misbehaving and try and up the amount of one to one time you have with him even if it's just by making a commitment to ensuring that he gets that last story /stay time with you at bedtime no matter what else has gone by the day.

I don't know if it's helpful but I have a 4yo DD and a breastfed baby (and a DH) and our routine is this:

We have dinner all together around 6pm
We all have a bath, starting about 6.45 (I'm in the bath holding the baby, 4yo is also in the bath, dh is in the bathroom ready with the towels)
Then we all get out and get dressed into PJs, one child per parent.
I breastfeed the baby to sleep while dh reads 4yo a couple of books
By now it's about 7.20-7.30, baby is settled, then I go into 4yo's room and read a last book and then turn off the light (7.40ish) and stay still she's asleep. Dh does the washing up.
I usually can escape by 7.45-8pm, then I go downstairs and help with the washing up if dh hasn't finished it.

We're "free" by 8.15 generally. And a bonus is I've already had my bath, and 4yo has had a bit of Dad time and Mum time.

Edit: once baby turns 12mo I'll probably not have to co bathe any more! But right now he's a drowning risk...!

30 mins seeks so long to me. Mine share a bath, PJs on, 5 min story and that's it. If they want to listen to something on the Yoto, or play, or read more, I leave them to it. Alexa in a child's bedroom is creepy, you know anyone can hack those.

You're trying to fit too much in the time. And I would never take away his one opportunity to connect with you before bedtime by removing the bedtime story.

And yeah you definitely need to give him more one to one time and probably a later bedtime.

This.

And how the hell do you get anything else done with possibly waiting in room for child to sleep. My DGC is almost 7. Bath while dinner things are cleared, pj's teeth and in bed. One story read then left. Can get alexa to read another story if wished.

They tend to drop off quicker if you sit with them, at least mine always have. It barely ever takes more than 5-10mins after turning the light off. I spend that time scrolling my phone and then sneak out when I can hear they're asleep.

I get plenty more done after a calm bedtime, 10 mins of staying after lights out is nothing.

I did click on this thinking bedtime in 30 mins I wish! I am doing stories for 2 though and they pick different books. Routine is bath some nights (this is definitely not part of a 30 mins!), toilet, teeth, PJs, stories, snuggle. Explaining that if they faff through the early bits then there is less story time does not seem to sink in at all

My kids fall asleep much quicker with me/DH staying in the room too. If I left, my daughter would get out of bed a gazillion times. No thanks! I don't mind the decompression time of sitting in the dark for a bit either.

30 mins is no where near enough time for my DS (also aged 7) to wind down for bed. We have an hour routine from going upstairs to bath/shower to lights off to go to sleep. We used to do 30 mins pre our DD (who is 2.5 years) but I noticed that my DS was getting more and more difficult and we were rushing things. And is difficult still when we have to rush it. It seems long compared to others but actually it benefits him so much so slow it down and be relaxed about things.
We do:
Bath/Shower - 15 mins
Out and dressed - 10 mins
Teeth and Toilet - 10 mins
Talking about our day / filling his journal in (mindfulness sort of thing) / work books (his choice not school work) - 10 mins
Reading and lights off - 15 mins.

I've also noticed over the summer / end of last year that we needed to push bedtime by half hour as he just wasnt tired

Oh god I can imagine!! I’d find it impossible hence only having one!! Sounds like a bit of trial and error really I guess!

Ah see getting out of bed wasn't tolerated for mine or the grandchildren. Unless a true emergency. All still asleep 10 mins after being left. Still don't get how it works if there's 2 or 3 of them to settle

Well, you can say it's not tolerated, but then a child is headstrong enough to just get out of bed, despite you tolerating it or not – they just will. You cannot hold them down on the bed, after all.

My son would not get out of bed when simply told not too, but my daughter would no matter what the discipline – some kids are simply going to do what they are going to do, regardless of the parenting.

Oh my eldest gave it a go. I think once I had to return her about 20 times in one evening. But after a week of her getting absolutely nothing. ( No talking no attention just silently put into bed) she obviously understood it was pointless and stopped doing it. I have stronger willpower than her ( she's an adult now)

Yep – we have done that too with my daughter. For a year and half actually – it makes no difference at all. Getting out of bed 20 times in one evening is nothing – I'd be very pleased with that actually. She would get out of bed every 3-5 minutes from 8pm-midnight. My son, on the other hand, has exactly the same treatment as her and would only try it once or twice at most. Different kids are different and you have one or a few who are like my son, more or less.

We hold her hand for 10 mins and she sleeps all the night through without fail. It's no big deal whatsoever.

I personally would do bath, teeth and pyjamas for both of them at the same time then read them one book together, put youngest one to bed and read a second book to oldest. Have a short chat with him after the story but don’t discuss anything too deep, it will send his brain into a tiz when he should be relaxing!

Re: bottom smacking, has someone done this to your son? Children are sponges for things other people do to them (known as modelling), I’d be more interested in where the behaviour came from than it in and of itself. Once you’ve discovered where the concept comes from, you can tackle it with a calm conversation, but also explain whoever did that was wrong.

Bottom smacking is a completely separate issue.

New baby or recently new that can have impacts for a few years as their needs compete and just gone back to school. I wouldn't have been rushing bedtime if I was you he is showing that he needs more time.

How much 1:1 time is he getting with you outside of bedtime? You need to give him at least 10 minutes of undivided attention and it really makes a difference. I used to keep simple games in the kitchen for after dinner Connect 4 / Guess Who / Battleships / pack of cards those sorts of things. Playing will get him to talk about anything that may be worrying him etc and prevent bed time being so drawn out.

Well I suppose 10 mins isn't too bad. I hear of parents sitting most of the evening in darkened rooms waiting for kids to sleep.

I think you handled a difficult situation pretty well.

Yes, its unfortunate that he then cried himself to sleep, but I'm glad you still did the "I love yous" and hugs. Growing up, I was sometimes left to put myself to bed, usually crying, if I'd done something to upset my mum that day. I told myself then that I'd never do that to my own children, and so far, I haven't.

I think just the next night, remind him before the routine starts of what happened the night before and what needs to be different this time.

meh, my son was putting himself to bed at that age - took about 10 minutes. Admittedly he'd have been reading for a good hour before that; but that just shows that there is no "industry standard" to beat someone up over.

I don't remember my parents reading to me at all (I could read myself very early) and I loved them very much.

*I then try and put DS1 to bed, and give him 30 minutes for bedtime. This includes toilet, brush teeth, get pyjamas on, he does some reading practice, I read him a short story/chapter, and we have a few minutes ‘stay time’ - a chat, an alphabet game, listening to something of his choice on Alexa etc. Me reading a story to him and stay time are very special to him, I think…

But there’s a lot of delaying tactics on his side, hence the 30 minutes timescale.*

I don’t think you can reasonably do getting into pjs, brushing teeth and stories etc in less than this really. Personally I think it would be a rushed and cold end to the day to cut time off that.
It won’t be long before you can do the stories and chat with both kids at the same time.

Also what is the reason they eat and bathe separately?

Because I am spoon feeding baby, and he is yelling by 4.30 at the moment, so I normally get him fed (either me or DP feed him), then I cook for DS1 and me/DP. And DS1 tends to bathe in the mornings before school, it suits our household better. Baby gets bathed at different times, sometimes before bed, sometimes he’s needed it earlier in the day, and sometimes it suits me to do it mid-morning.