To feel hurt about not being invited to party

[Hillwalker]

We moved into our village 4 years ago. I am retired and my husband semi retired. Despite being introverted and not normally a joiner, I joined the WI, becoming Secretary, became Treasurer of the Rural Cinema group and joined a reading group. I wanted to meet people and feel like part of the community. I’ve also helped out at various village events and been part of a quiz team. People have been friendly but many have lived here for decades and it’s difficult to make friends rather than acquaintances. A
couple of weeks ago, it was the 80th birthday party of a chap who lives near us. We’ve chatted often, I joined him on an organised village walk and I’ve taken part in many quizzes and other events with him and his wife. The party was held in the village hall and 150 people went. We were not invited but of course I heard about it from people at the activities I take part in. It feels like a kick in the teeth tbh. It makes me feel as if I’ve been deluded, thinking I was part of the community when actually that’s not true.

It's wild that you'd be expected to be invited to a party just because you're part of the community and have chatted to someone, rather than actually being a friend or family to this person. I mean absolutely wild. On your logic, he would have had to invite hundreds/thousands of people.

It sounds OP as though you have moved into the type of community where even when you have lived there 30 years you will still be an incomer.
I don't think it's personal to you at all. I think unfortunately this is far too common an attitude .
It's very hurtful, especially when you have made an effort to integrate.

It wasn’t. Community party though, it was one man’s birthday. So unless you are close friends with him and not just been at village events alongside him then no I dont see why you should be invited

I don’t know why the first replies to this kind of post are always so callous. OP, totally understand why you would feel upset, esp as it was such a large party and you’ve clearly made a conscious effort to put yourself out there ❤️ Is he someone you would want to be a close friend? If not, I would try not to take it too much to heart, though totally get why it hurts.

Are there any individuals you would feel comfortable inviting out for a coffee etc one on one? You may develop better relationships that way, rather than crossing paths at groups or events, which can be nice but a little surface-level?

An 80th is likely to include loads of family and friends who his family know, as opposed to the individuals local and recent (relatively) contacts.
That said, in our village, I have realised the really long established families do not really consider 'incomers' as close friends- and I've been here almost 15 years! You can grow close with others who are newer, with less relations literally in the same street. I know you are beyond this stage, but I found the long established families had no clue as to what it was like to find babysitters when Granny, Aunty or nephew could step up with a moments notice.

You are not his friend, you're an acquaintance who happens to have taken part in some of the same organised events that he and his wife have attended in the few years that you've lived in the same village.

YABU.

Callous? To give an honest opinion? Come on.

It feels like it’s a rejection but it’s really not. Other people in the village won’t have been invited, you also don’t know who organised it for him. If I were organising a party for a parent I’d contact the people I know. At 80 he’s probably got a fair few kids, grandkids, cousins, mates etc. It’s probably quite easy to get to 150 people tbh. From what I understand about small villages it can take a while to break in and you sound like you have a great social life.

Don’t take it to heart.

I can see why you might have hoped to have been invited but you are really only an acquaintence of this man rather than a friend.
I know what villages are like and 4 years is only a drop in the ocean given that some people will have been there all their lives. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, keep going

You can give an honest opinion and still bear in mind the feelings of the person you are responding to.

Don't feel bad OP, our wedding was about 150 people, and there were a number of people who we truly consider friends who we sadly didn't have space for. It is perfectly possible that the same applies here.
It sounds like a lot, but when you factor in children, grandchildren, siblings, their children & grandchildren, cousins, in-laws, friends going back decades, old colleagues, old schoolmates, plus all their partners, and any children who are still at home, the numbers rise very quickly.

Yes it was slightly harsh. He had 150 people there, so its not just close friends.

It wasn’t a community event. Are you actually friends with him?
The quizzes for example - do you mean that you've been to a community quiz and sat near them and got on, or have arranged between you to be a team of 4 and actually had a specific friendship?
Going on a organised walk with someone doesn’t make you friends.

Yes callous

it was a gratuitously mean response to an OP who is feeling fragile because she’s struggling to make roots in her community.

it’s wild that you think your response was reasonable

Not unreasonable to feel as you do given 150 people

They may have a large family as well as long term friends, it's really easy to fill 150 people like that.

I'm confused as to why you expected to be invited tbh.
Sounds like he's not a friend, more an acquaintance. He will have friends and quite possibly a large extended family (siblings, children, great grandchildren even), as well as old work colleagues, hobby friends etc.
You could always host an event and invite people?

Not being invited to the party of a random acquaintance doesn't mean OP hasn't made some connections.

Yes. You could have made your point in a much kinder way @Charlotttee

Unless you have been inside his house for a cuppa then I wouldn’t expect an invite. If my neighbour expected an invite to my party I would be confused.

Did you want me to add a little heart to my opinion? People post on these boards for honest opinions to make a judgement if they were unreasonable or not. Judging by people's comments, they then weigh up if the consensus was that they were in fact unreasonable or not.

You're still very new in the village, so I wouldn't take it personally.

I assume the village hall is where you do some of your community things, but that it's also available for private hire.

I can see why you might feel left out if there are other events in the same place that would be open to you, but this was a private party. You get used to the fact that private events happen in the community space - it's just one of those things in villages, and it's important as those private events pay towards the upkeep of the community space that everyone can benefit from.

Also, there is limited capacity and presumably, in addition to locals, many of the guests were friends and family from outside the village.

They can't invite everyone they've ever met, and I'm sure you wouldn't be able to invite everyone in the village either if you had a party there.

I had a party with 130 people, all family and close friends. None of them simply because they were from the same community.

I imagine it's very easy for most people to formulate a list of 150 people who they'd consider close enough to invite to a party, without including random people from the community who they happen to pleasantly pass the time of day with if they bump into them and who happen to attend the same pub quiz.

It doesn't mean you're not part of the community.

It sounds to me like you perhaps think you should have been invited because you've taken up what you consider key roles in certain groups. Unless you come back with a huge drip feed nothing in your OP indicates that you are close to this chap in any way at all.

He might have a very large extended family- if you factor in children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, great nieces etc and all their partners and children- you could easily reach 150 people with only a few friends.