To feel hurt about not being invited to party

[Hillwalker]

We moved into our village 4 years ago. I am retired and my husband semi retired. Despite being introverted and not normally a joiner, I joined the WI, becoming Secretary, became Treasurer of the Rural Cinema group and joined a reading group. I wanted to meet people and feel like part of the community. I’ve also helped out at various village events and been part of a quiz team. People have been friendly but many have lived here for decades and it’s difficult to make friends rather than acquaintances. A
couple of weeks ago, it was the 80th birthday party of a chap who lives near us. We’ve chatted often, I joined him on an organised village walk and I’ve taken part in many quizzes and other events with him and his wife. The party was held in the village hall and 150 people went. We were not invited but of course I heard about it from people at the activities I take part in. It feels like a kick in the teeth tbh. It makes me feel as if I’ve been deluded, thinking I was part of the community when actually that’s not true.

I think it also depends on the size of the village. If there are 153 people living there, including you and DH and 150 invited to his party, I could see what you're miffed.

However, it could also be one of those villages where you move in, live there for 40 years and still be considered a blow in!

You said yourself it hard to male friends so maybe he doesn't consider you a friend so didn't invite you? It's nothing to be offended by, some people just aren't on the market for more new friends.

I sympathise, OP. When women, in particular, move to a village they do all the things they believe will make them part of "the community" and it's dissapointing when you feel left out. Men don't seem as bothered to connect.

People may pass the time of day but generally adults aren't looking to make new friends and they don't give a second thought to whether anyone might be feeling a bit adrift.

Despite being a bit bruised by it, I'd keep doing what you're doing but also start asking a few couples over for a dinner party. It might be the start of some closer connections? Also, gives OP the opportunity to "interview" a few potential friends. Meamwhile, stay connected to other friends/family - even if it's just by phone/socials.
Good luck, OP!

But the village doesn’t exist under a glass dome. I assume there were friends and family travelling from far and wide to attend such a landmark party.

OP is being a little over sensitive

But she could also throw a Christmas party and invite everyone in the village - then she might get some obligation invites.

Calm down. I know there are certain posters here that smell blood when an OP shows any sign of vulnerability, but settle down.

Which is why I asked how many live in the village. If there's 153 living there and 150 were invited then yes, you would feel shit. Chances are it's family and friends gathered along the way over the last 80 years so joining clubs and institutes wouldn't mean an invite.

There's a family on the road behind us, they moved in when she was pregnant with their first child, her second child has gone into year 13 this year and they are still referred to as the new family who live in Derek's place (name changed and Derek died, they bought his house)

Sorry - I totally misread your post!! Bedtime for me

I have over 70 people in my immediate family ( parents, great aunts/uncles, aunts, uncles, cousins, children , grandchildren, siblings). My partner has around 30/40, and we're in our late 40's, most of them live within 30 miles of us and we see them regularly. We would find it very easy to get to 150 with just family and very close friends.

I live in a village and from fairly early on joined in like you did OP. I’ve been here 13 years and I still don’t always get invited to stuff and it really depends who is having the get together. Some people on the committee I am on or my direct neighbours might invite me but friendly guy I speak to all the time with his dog or a neighbour four doors down might not. People have occasionally talked freely about so and so’s party in front of me that nobody thought to mention to me. It’s definitely normal I think. It doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the community or valued. Also as time goes by you will feel even more so as you are making the effort.

My DM’s neighbour recently moved out after 29 years, I still think of her as the ‘new neighbour’ 😂 And DM socialised with her loads.

Give it time OP.

You’re completely derailing the thread by constantly banging this drum.

The other thing about being 80 is that your 4 years will seem like the blink of an eye. It's not that you have to have lived there all your life, but they'll have seen lots of people come and go and you won't have made it onto their invite list having only just rocked up when they're 76. They're clearly not short of people to invite from the rest of their life. And it really is their party, not a community event as others have said.

Comfort yourself with the fact that you probably didn't miss very much and try to do things for the enjoyment of them if possible. If you like the quizzing and WI etc, that's its own reward rather than needing validation by an 80yo who isn't really a friend by most people's standards.

What happened when you moved - are you settled in better now?

This is typical village life. They won’t see you as a local until you have a couple of past generations buried in their churchyard. Many people think they can move to villages,join all the local clubs including the local council,start growing veg and horse riding,etc. It’s what all the “newbies” do and it’s often looked down upon. Doesn’t mean they won’t be friendly but you won’t be “one of them”.

Wild in this context is an accusation of being weird, unbalanced or abnormal. It’s provocatively unpleasant.

Combined with the mischaracterisation of the situation and relationship it’s a deliberate attempt to make the OP feel stupid and/or needy. The subtext is how could you possibly think you’re friends with this man, with a dash of let’s laugh at the needy poster who wants to be included by the community she’s worked hard to integrate into.

if that’s the posters honest opinion, she’s entitled to share it but she shouldn’t be surprised when she’s called out on it.

@7isthemagicnumber, yes, even though it was within three months of the first Covid lockdown. Fortunately!

But they’re not ‘being unkind and exclusionary’. I had, as I said upthread, a very lonely eight years in a village despite being a friendly person and making all possible efforts, but I’m not blaming anyone who lived there for not befriending me — it was a village, not a club with obligations to make new members feel welcome. People had their own stuff going on. I wasn’t on their radar, partly, I think, because it was such a static community (the majority of other parents in DS’s class had gone to the same village school and stayed local, marrying local) that everyone already knew one another and just weren’t that used to encountering peiole to whom they had to introduce themselves.

Wow the level of overthinking and people banging on about the word wild on this thread really is the thing that's wild.

Wow how the other half live. How do people know so many close family and friends

And yes it is upsetting OP when you put the effort in with people and think you are friends, then realise they think differently.

Exactly this.

I can see why you feel overlooked, you’ve put in effort and hope to be part of the community. I went to a friend’s party recently that her family organised. My friend kept asking is so and so here, what about this person ?? The problem was her family who arranged the party, did not know all her friends or how to contact them. So perhaps it was an merely an oversight.

A very lonely eight years. And people call Londoners unfriendly😂

Tbh, in such a static community with few new people arriving to live in the village, I would have thought it would be easier to welcome a new person and introduce yourself? It's not as if there's a constant influx which would make it tiresome to continually meet and greet people.

I'm not suggesting the locals should feel compelled to befriend anyone. It just all sounds very insular. I have a colleague who boasts that her family has lived in a village for hundreds of years "and we still call people who've lived here for 60 years incomers, they'll never be one of us". Ok.

I'm in a similar situation, having moved to a small village a few years ago. No matter how many times I host people at my house I am left out when they plan things themselves. It's just so lonely and hurtful.

I threw an 80th for my dad before he passed. I wouldn't have known anyone new to the neighborhood. It's possible this was really not a neighbor excluded you.

Do you know the 80 year old?