To feel hurt about not being invited to party

[Hillwalker]

We moved into our village 4 years ago. I am retired and my husband semi retired. Despite being introverted and not normally a joiner, I joined the WI, becoming Secretary, became Treasurer of the Rural Cinema group and joined a reading group. I wanted to meet people and feel like part of the community. I’ve also helped out at various village events and been part of a quiz team. People have been friendly but many have lived here for decades and it’s difficult to make friends rather than acquaintances. A
couple of weeks ago, it was the 80th birthday party of a chap who lives near us. We’ve chatted often, I joined him on an organised village walk and I’ve taken part in many quizzes and other events with him and his wife. The party was held in the village hall and 150 people went. We were not invited but of course I heard about it from people at the activities I take part in. It feels like a kick in the teeth tbh. It makes me feel as if I’ve been deluded, thinking I was part of the community when actually that’s not true.

It's always a bit shit not being invited to a party held by someone you know and thought you got on with.

But believe me, if you live in a small community for a long time, and if you have a lot of relations, and you are involved in a lot of local organisations, you rack up the dozens of potential guests very, very quickly. If this person is a 'proper local' (has been there most/all of his life) he will know people in surrounding villages, will have old schoolfriends he wants to ask and so on.

And four years in a village is no time at all, not when you still have families who have been there four centuries, never mind four generations.

In short, don't take it personally.

I felt it was unnecessarily rudely worded.

Really? 150 people doesn’t mean you invite someone one you have spoken to a handful of times!

think of a wedding. This man is 80 - he probably has children, grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren - nieces and nephews and neighbours and friends he has know for decades.

my uncle will have his eightieth birthday next year. Family alone is around 60 - 70 people - and he has his wife don’t have children!

Nothing rude about saying something is wild.

Country girl here! Villages are like that. He’ll be related to half of the guests and known the others since they went to the village primary together 70 years ago. The connections run deep in these small communities…even though a lot of them hate each other and will happily fill you in on all the affairs and tax dodges!

You are doing fantastically well getting to know people. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Your attitude is wild!

At an 80th birthday party half the guests are likely family or very long standing family friends from elsewhere, the remaining guests are people who counts as friends rather than a village acquaintance. Going on a walk which he was at or joining a quiz team is knowing people due to proximity.

I felt it was callous to suggest how the OP felt was ridiculous when she was clearly feeling down. That’s just my “honest opinion” - you really don’t have to agree.

Attempting to belittle someone who is feeling sad and vulnerable is not sharing an honest opinion, it was gratuitous bitchiness to get a reaction. Doubling down with the faux “but I was just being honest” is disingenuous.

Thanks for giving your opinion on something I couldn't care less about.

How did that poster belittle anyone, they said it was wild, ok maybe a slight over reaction but an honest opinion on the situation. Isn't that what this site is for?

No you come on. With 150 attendees it obviously wasn't an intimate party for very close friends and family. I bet quite a few people there fit into the acquaintance bracket and I can totally see why the op found this hurtful

Some people shouldn't really be commenting on an AIBU post if they can't handle someone using the word wild ffs.

This guy has had 80 years to know 150 people. You’re a brand new friend to him, if that. Do you actually know him and call him a friend? Your OP calls him ‘a chap who lives near us’. I would think it surprising if our 80 year old next door neighbours invited us to a party.

You have no clue if acquaintances are there.

Op is unlikely to know the depth of all his friendships. And it’s quite easy to reach 150.

No one has a right to an invite. And not getting an invite doesn’t mean Op isn’t part of the wider community. This wasn’t an event for those in the community’s it was a private party.

Families can be large - especially for older people. 150 people can disappear quickly. Then long standing friends - adult kids of long standing friends, neighbours, neighbour’s kids, old work Colleagues.

OP doesn’t really know this man.

But no posters here are obliged to post in a way that you feel isn’t rude or that you find acceptable.

If you think someone has been rude, report it.

The decision isn’t yours and trying to police what other people comment, is rude in itself.

Reading these responses, I’m quite relieved I’ve never moved to a village. It sounds claustrophobic and isolating all at the same time. I only moved to my new home 2 years ago both sets of neighbours have invited me & my family over to their birthday parties, Christmas drinks, BBQs and other occasions. We’ve done the same. It’s quite a close knit community with people who’ve lived on our street and in the area for decades but they are very friendly.

All of these rules around village incomers just sounds like an excuse to allow some people to be unkind and exclusionary simply because their great grandparents are buried in the local cemetery.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to feel hurt.

Please show me where I tried to police anything? I expressed an “honest opinion” that I felt the initial response was callous and then responded to the OP with my own thoughts on her post.

It's not unkind or exclusionary to not invite an acquaintance to your party. It's quite normal to only invite actual friends and family, and maybe ex-colleagues or hobby buddies.

Yes. You expressed an honest opinion. About something someone else wrote.

i am expressing an honest opinion on what you wrote.

That no one is obliged to meet any standards you that you have decided to try and impose.

You've posted around 5 or 6 times because that poster said OPs opinion was wild. Did it really warrant you repeatedly saying you didn't like what they said. You'd be there forever picking apart each poster that says something that you don't agree with. That's not what AIBU is for.

If my mum has an 80th party with just her siblings, their children and families and me and my siblings and families would be around 85 people.
If she adds her surviving cousins and family which I know she would, then she'd be at over 100.
The next people would be her school/uni friends that she's kept up with and she'd be around 115-120 invitees now.

The next set would probably be her tennis friends (and spouses) that she's known for 40 years and still plays with regularly. We're up to around 135-140 now.

Next 10 would be the group she's socialised regularly for the last 50 years. They're the mums (and husbands) who met when in hospital 50 years ago all having their first babies.

I think the last 5 would probably come from the committee she's been on for the last 30 years on and off. There's around 5 that have regularly served too over that time, and she wouldn't invite all the committee, just the ones she gets on well Nd socialised with outside the committee.

So you can see how someone can fill all 50 spaces with people who they socialise with regularly and have done for 30+ years. That wouldn't mean that she resented/didn't like the newcomer up the road, simply that they wouldn't be regarded in the top 150.
Hope that helps you realise that it isn't personal.

That's a number easily reached by 80 if he has even a moderately large family. Say 3 children, their children's children, his siblings, nieces nephews plus their children etc. That's before adding long term friends, ex workmates.....

All of these rules around village incomers just sounds like an excuse to allow some people to be unkind and exclusionary simply because their great grandparents are buried in the local cemetery.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to feel hurt.

I think the main issue here is around having to get used to the fact that, in a village, if someone hires the village hall for a private party, everyone else in the village will know that it's happening and will know they're not invited. It stings a bit, but it's part of village life.

Whereas usually, in a town or city, you'd have no idea if some acquaintance from your quiz night is having a big party as they're not doing it right under your nose.

OP, it's quite likely that the man and his family ended up feeling pressured into inviting people from the village that he wouldn't have invited by choice, e.g. whoever holds the keys to the hall, the people who invited him to their birthday at the hall or helped him when he had a fall a few years ago, and so on.