To feel hurt about not being invited to party

[Hillwalker]

We moved into our village 4 years ago. I am retired and my husband semi retired. Despite being introverted and not normally a joiner, I joined the WI, becoming Secretary, became Treasurer of the Rural Cinema group and joined a reading group. I wanted to meet people and feel like part of the community. I’ve also helped out at various village events and been part of a quiz team. People have been friendly but many have lived here for decades and it’s difficult to make friends rather than acquaintances. A
couple of weeks ago, it was the 80th birthday party of a chap who lives near us. We’ve chatted often, I joined him on an organised village walk and I’ve taken part in many quizzes and other events with him and his wife. The party was held in the village hall and 150 people went. We were not invited but of course I heard about it from people at the activities I take part in. It feels like a kick in the teeth tbh. It makes me feel as if I’ve been deluded, thinking I was part of the community when actually that’s not true.

Yes, especially at 80!

Anyone who hires a village hall for a party as opposed to having it at home clearly has a lot of people they want to invite.

Plus, he's probably been to lots of friends' big birthdays, reunions and funerals over recent years and is going to prioritise inviting old friends from those over someone from the village quiz night who he sees regularly anyway.

Yes Yabu.

Being part of the community doesn’t mean you get automatic invites.

You not being invited to this man’s birthday doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the community.

So the good news is you are making roots and connections. But having those roots and connections won’t mean an invite to everything.

If there is only 152 people in the village and 150 from the village were invited you might have a point - but by the sounds of it the village is bigger than that.

If this was a party for people involved in running the clubs and you were the only ones not invited then you may have a point. But this is his birthday for his friends and family so yabu.

I’ve been their OP and I know how it hurts.

Yes the posters who love to be contradictory will give you a million reasons why you shouldn’t expect to be invited. But in reality it doesn’t stop it being upsetting. Especially if it’s someone you thought you were friendly with, even if you weren’t close friends. And then you wonder what you are doing wrong.

I’ve came to the understanding that if people like you and want to include you they will. It’s not something you can control.

Of course it doesn’t. But the OP is hurt and - rightly or wrongly - feels left out. And a previous poster having a dig and implying she is being pathetic and needy, was unpleasant and unnecessary

There are really, really so many variables in this, making it so very hard to know where to even begin to unpick it.

So all I will say is this: when my mum was 60, we had a huge surprise party for her. More than two decades later, I still dread to think who we forgot or didn't know to invite. And trust me, it was far, far from personal.

Ah I see. You haven’t moved past the two mean girl modes of bitchy or emoticons.

Explains a lot.

Regardless of this particular situation, I think we can all relate to that feeling of feeling left out.

Chin up @Hillwalker Perhaps widen your net a bit and join things with younger people as well.

I mean this kindly, but OP maybe needs to question why she expects to be invited to every party that happens in her community. That's not standard, even in smaller communities.

I would not invite you to my birthday “because you’re on a pub quiz team”. That’s all sorts of crazy.

You're actually being quite rude to someone who simply offered an honest opinion.

Yeah I think its actually your posts that explain a lot! That poster was entitled to an honest opinion.

YABU, as I think with family and friends it is possible to invite 150 people. You are v much not unreasonable in feeling frustrated about breaking into village life, which is hard. It feels as if you may be pinning an undue amount on this party as a result?

I’d imagine an 80th party is made up of lots of family and life long friends. I really wouldn’t expect to be invited to the party of an acquaintance who I barely knew.

You can't add everyone you take one walk round the village with.

I think you are perceiving it as a village party rather than specific to this one man. My mum's family would be (and has been) 85 people for a significant event like an 80th. Depending on the person there might be in-laws, which could add another say 30 easily. So then add a few friends and neighbours, it's easy to see getting to 150 without much difficulty.

If you want a party with the whole village, throw one!

I’m not sure what part of ‘honest is not a synonym for rude’ you’re struggling with. You can express an honest opinion without disregarding the feelings of the person you are posting in response to.

The poster left an honest opinion. Not sure why you seem to have a problem with it.

Unless the 80 year old invited other acquaintances who he hasn't known for that long and isn't 'friends' with.....I think you're being sad unnecessarily

I didn't see any issue with the posters honest opinion either, in fact I thought it was very much a case (as usual on AIBU) of 'first reply nailed it'.

OP, four years in a village isn’t long, certainly not long enough to be fully integrated, no matter how many roles you’ve taken on. It takes time, quite a lot of time. And not being invited to one acquaintance’s party is in no way an indication of anything other than one individual having 150 people he’s closer to/related to/ reciprocating an invitation to.

Also, you’re doing that thing I often see people who self-describe as introverts on here doing — it’s as though that the effort you see yourself putting in in having volunteered and joined things, when it’s not in your comfort zone, should be ‘repaid’ by reciprocal overtures of friendship from others.

Kindly, it doesn’t work like that.

I spent eight years living in a village doing everything always recommended on here to integrate. I had a child in the baby and toddler group, which I ran for a couple of years before I returned to work FT, then DS was in the village school, I joined the PTA and helped out with village events, volunteered as a litter picker , got involved in a local public transport campaign, went to the pub, invited people over, talked to people, tried to join the local book group (which said no). I’m a socially confident person, and have never struggled with friendships elsewhere, but no progress in eight years contributed to our decision to move on. And people said they were terribly sorry (and very surprised) when we put our house on the market. I think the assumption was that we’d always be there, so there was no rush! And maybe in eight more years we’d have made friends, but I didn’t have eight more in me.

I hope your experience will be better, or that you have more patience than I do!

Is it wild?

By the time you add up all the generations of family and their children and partners, family friends and partners, neighbours and friends for the past 50 years, I imagine it could easily be 150 and yes, they’re not all necessarily close to the birthday ‘boy’ but you can’t not invite the partners/children etc so that could easily gave doubled the number.

Don’t feel hurt.

Same

Your invite was probably simply over looked or just left in the car of someone delivering.

Or they didn't think/want to invite every single random acquaintance who happens to live nearby?