To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

Also you can’t expect someone else to respect your boundaries if you don’t make it clear what they are.
leaving someone to blindly guess you boundaries and then getting angry that they failed to accurately read your mind - and cry boundaries! -, is quite frankly narcissistic, manipulative and abusive.

No, she hasn't. This poor woman (OPs ex friend) is being hounded and very occasionally sends something back to be polite. That is absolutely apparent from OP's incredibly long and frankly obsessive post.

And I noted that the OP is pretending to be worried about the woman, when in fact she's just upset at being ignored, and has even contemplated contacting the woman's parents but tells us she "wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting."

That thought doesn't go through your mind unless you have definitely contemplated it.

As is often the case, OP is an unreliable narrator.

And let's examine how much hassling of this poor woman OP has engaged in:

"After multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch"
Er, one school holiday where she ignores you, take the hint.

"Here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January." Jesus wept, take the hint.

"I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key"
Holy shit, take the hint.

Messaged to say "I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done"
Er no, it means she's ignoring you, take the hint.

"and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages."
Even after being completely ignored AGAIN and telling her "how much she means to me"?! Feck sake, take the hint.

"We have one mutual friend who is very blunt and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries."
Wait, she's done this before? And your mutual friend is now ignoring your nonsense too? Holy crap, take the hint.

"It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length". You are. Take the hint.

It just doesn't matter whether we want people to love or want us, and it's not relevant whether her friend is being fair or unfair (although my sympathies lie firmly with the woman OP is hassling).

If someone doesn't want you there is nothing to be done about it. Hassling them just makes them want you even less.

And when someone is clearly ignoring you for months and months on end, collect your dignity, lift your chin. And take the hint.

If someone doesn't want you there is nothing to be done about it. Hassling them just makes them want you even less.
And when someone is clearly ignoring you for months and months on end, collect your dignity, lift your chin. And take the hint

@Daisydaisy2024

This is written so eloquently that you are clearly writing from your own bad experience. Perhaps your parents or boarding school matron barked these instructions at you. It’s actually normal and healthy to want to know why people have hurt us and hurtful people need to take responsibility for their actions. Times have moved on. We hold people to account nowadays.

If I didn't hear from her today I would block her and move on. You don't know what you have done it may even be a misunderstanding, she has treated you poorly, a long friendship deserves better.

Oh gosh. I remember this thread! You still don’t have answers? How odd of your friend! I hope you get some closure soon, one way or the other.

No idea what kind of parents or "matron" you had, but projection is a thing, its quite the opposite. I was the one who, years ago, was trying to escape from a relentless ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ ex friend.

People like the ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ OP are never, ever satisfied, they want an exit interview they're not owed and a discussion nobody else wants and to rake everything over the coals, and just won't go away, instead tirelessly trying to force themselves back into your life and utterly ignoring your boundaries because of their own hurty feels.

In the end, I ghosted and blocked the ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶r̶ ex friend because there was no other way to be rid of her.

OP's post looks frankly obsessive and if it was a man doing this to a woman people would be concerned.

Other people are allowed to just walk away with no explanation at all, although I did try with my ex friend, she would not listen. And I strongly, strongly suspect that the woman the OP is hassling would have a very different tale to tell.

From my own experience and her own words OP appears to be obsessive and lacking in self awareness, and will hound this poor woman forever.

If her ex friend dies she'll ask everyone at the funeral why oh why did she ghost me and then visit her grave and leave a card saying "I just want you to know how much I care about you, still miss you, please send me a sign when I visit the medium next week"

Time for her to just take the hint.

To me, the sum of her previous behaviour and her not answering the message yesterday is saying, loud and clear, "leave me alone". I don't know why she has been sending things from time to time, guilty conscience most likely. It would have been nicer of her to tell the OP that she doesn't want to be friends any more, certainly after it must be clear to her that this is causing the OP pain, but for some reason she hasn't done that. I understand that the OP wants closure and wants to talk to her about it, but she really is making it very clear that she doesn't want to and isn't going to do that. She can't be forced to talk, so the only thing to do is leave her alone, as she clearly wants.

Precisely.

I'm so sorry you have been going through this, i know how you feel, I hate it when you don't get answers to something that feels so important to you - I think i would rather have an argument then not know.

I had a similar thing happen to me - friends since we started junior school, she was maid of honour at my wedding, then she didn't reciprocate for her wedding (I get that she doesn't have to, but it was pretty upsetting). She ended up having it during covid, so we couldnt go anyway. Then she announced she was pregnant (her first) on Facebook and that was the first I was hearing of it (20 weeks) and I messaged her congratulations and told her I had just found out I was expecting too (my third and a bit of a surprise) and she blocked me on all social media and deleted all our mutual friends!

It doesnt sound @EmeraldDreams73 as though you saw each other in person a great deal?

I lost a parent in the last few years, and (the loss is linked, though I'm not entirely sure how) since that loss, I've reevaluated my friendships (it hasn't been a conscious decision, it just happened naturally). Covid/lockdowns and peri were also in the mix, and I found my outlook changing. I had friends with whom I kept in touch but rarely saw, and those friendships just became without value to me. I'm afraid I did just cease contact with a few, I wouldn't want to have hurt any of them however the cursory catch up cards/messages just didn't feel authentic nor worth the effort anymore; I much prefer putting my effort and emotion into in person relationships.

@Daisydaisy2024 no! Quietly exiting is fine (would be better to actually use words and say what the problem is but hey ho), but this person has been dangling friendship and messing with OP head. Are you not able to see that? 😩

Gosh what a heartless take!

I do think it's time for the OP to take back control and drop this woman entirely, however I hope she ignores entirely your cruel input.

Yes! The OP's ex friend has been trying to quietly exit forever, months and months, years even. I already quoted the OP chapter and verse, and proved this.

Time for the OP to just take the hint.

I would book yourself a course of counselling OP. Your confidence must be rock bottom to allow someone you’re close to to back away like this without having the confidence to just ask ‘what’s wrong? You’re ignoring me all of a sudden and it’s not fair on me.’.

You've allowed her to treat you like crap.

She’s not a good friend. Even if she or her loved one was dying, you’d still expect someone to explain why they’re not contacting you like normal after almost 50 years. You don’t just go silent on people for months on end.

I think you need to text her, asking why she didn’t contact you like she said she would yesterday. That you deserve closure and you can’t believe the stress and pain she’s put you through this year. That she can’t run or hide from this, you’re a human being and deserve a level of respect from someone you’ve been friends with for so long. That her actions have tainted your wedding memories. That she should have said a long time ago if she wanted to end the friendship, that would be the mature and kind thing to do.

I actually hate her for you OP.

No one should ‘quietly exit’ from a long term friendship. It’s unkind and immature. The right thing to do is at least message them with an explanation and suggest they have time away from each other.

Thanks all. I have been operating under the assumption that all was normal between us, because after 45 years of friendship (and a few weeks after my wedding, which was great fun), I had no way of knowing it wasn't! I was genuinely concerned about P for a long time, but as soon as I knew for sure it was only me she was avoiding, I sent one more message apologising again, and won't be contacting her now.

This hasn't happened before at all. She's gone quiet for the odd week or two on the group chat before a few years ago, as we all have from time to time, but her other friends then were in the same boat. None of us made a big deal out of it other than to check in and ask if she was OK/anything we could do. Everyone's busy, she came back when she wanted to and said xyz had been happening for her, sorry for radio silence. Obviously we all said no worries, sorry to hear you've been dealing with that, and moved on.

This time is clearly different. Yes, I've obviously been dense not realising what she was trying to say this time and for this long, but message received loud and clear now! I won't, of course, be bothering again.

I know I have written long and emotional posts here, I know, but not to anyone else. When life's too busy for monthly meet ups, we normally get together during half terms and school holidays. My conscience is completely clear, I haven't been stalking P or anyone else and I don't think for a second she will have felt that. I do suspect she thinks I didn't make a big enough deal of her birthday in light of wedding timing but I can't know for sure and won't be trying any more.

Your confidence must be rock bottom to allow someone you’re close to to back away like this without having the confidence to just ask ‘what’s wrong? You’re ignoring me all of a sudden and it’s not fair on me.’

You're spot on with this. My first reaction has always been concern for what's going on for her, not how it was affecting me.

This is clearly a support thread for the OP and your bitter output isn’t needed and is upsetting. You are either completely self unaware or deliberately being hurtful.

Imagine being you

I think you're right to end this with the new year. She's not really allowing you closure and just gives you enough to keep you dangling further with empty promises then again doesn't deliver. You definitely need to move on and get your own closure but I'd be tempted to let her know the way she's left you dangling with empty promises is not very fair, before dropping her. You might never find out exactly why she avoided contacting you for so long. I'd possibly reassess contact with the mutual friend too as she clearly knows more than she's letting on.

Daisydaisy2024 ·

Do you think it’s ok to ghost a friend of 40 years, out of nowhere, with 0 explanation then?

Do you think that people should be allowed to just cause time on a friendship without explanation and the person who deserves that explanation is the one who is responsible?

Because you’re entirely wrong.

Anyone who treats other people like that is a deeply unpleasant person who doesn’t deserve any understanding what so ever.

The saying “treat others as you would like to be treated” was never more true here.

the OP hadn’t done anything wrong. Contacting a friend who you have had regular contact with for 40 years is not harassment, it’s normal. The only one acting abnormally here is the friend.

Yes, perhaps the OP should take the hint that the friend no longer wants anything to do with her, but not because the OP is in the wrong, but because the ex friend is a narcissistic cow who has no-one else to blame but herself when she discovers one day that she’s all alone in the world due to how she treats people.

Because OP won’t be the first and she won’t be the last.

And I bet if OP looks back this woman probably has form for falling out with people like this, and when people do, it’s only a matter of time before you’re one of them.

If it was her birthday, then she is not someone you need in your life anyway. I think you perhaps have been so focused on her that you haven't thought about whether or not she deserves you as a friend. Someone who treats other people like this, is not a good friend. I think it might help you move on if you can realise that she is not the person for you, she is not good enough for you.

Don't send her any more messages, don't enquire about her. It is a shame that she couldn't end this friendship properly, but that is her choice. Focus on other friendships and new friendships.

I had a very similar thread a couple of heats ago and got absolutely torn apart with replies like Daisy’s.

I think there is a clear divide between (I think) most people who would feel they deserve an explanation/clarity and a significant minority who are ‘rational’ (or as I would see it, unnecessarily harsh and cruel) and expect people to be able to relinquish a decades-long friendship without so much as raising an eyebrow.

I Know which camp I’d rather be in.

OP - you’ve done all you can and I’m glad you’re leaving it now. Absolutely her loss.

So shit not knowing for so long if you should be really worried about your friend, or simply questioning what is going on in your friendship.

I could add to the speculations, but it does seem like you might never know for sure, and it might be preferable to just focus on moving on now.

One thing - you mentioned telling her repeatedly 'it's fine if you can't talk, I'm thinking of you' etc. But there came a point where it clearly wasn't fine and you still said it (the package). Maybe going forward that's something to think about - do you over accommodate, deny that you need something (i.e. a modicum of care and respect), and then notice you've sold yourself way short? Or was it just this one time?

I've not had such an extreme experience as this, but definitely flip flopped between concern and understanding of friends (when they may or may not have had something going on) and hurt and anger that they've seemingly checked out of the friendship, and confusion as to whether it's a 'they've got too much on their plate' or they're just not that interested anymore. It's tough.

do you over accommodate, deny that you need something (i.e. a modicum of care and respect), and then notice you've sold yourself way short? Or was it just this one time?

Yes, I do if I'm honest. Not so much deny I need respect but not really think about myself at all. Brought up to be 100% "it's not about you, look after others". After 25 years of an abusive marriage where I was routinely trodden on I eventually got out, have had counselling, and recognised how abusive it was. My now dh is a lovely kind man who I am completely able to speak to about anything and wouldn't dream of treating me or anyone around him with no respect.

Perhaps I haven't learned as much as I thought if I'm still finding it so hard to be pissed off when treated poorly by a friend.