To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

Maybe your personal growth, where you are valuing yourself more, makes you less attractive to P. Maybe she likes to be queen B.

Whatever the reason, she is not being a good friend or human being, right now.

Drop the rope.

Just to say I'm hoping that there is a resolution soon as you've spent a long time thinking about all of this and need the matter to close.

It can be such a sting when we think we've overcome something and it rears its head and we feel like we'll never be free of it.
AND you have come such a long way. I'm so glad you've found a wonderful and caring DH. That is no small thing.

I do wonder if there may be a connection between your "friend''s behaviour and your finding happiness, which was outwardly reflected by your marriage and wedding.
Even if she doesn't want to be married, some people only want to be our friends when they feel like top dog, the winner at life compared to the other. It means they can appear incredibly supportive when we're having a shit time, so we think they really care about us, but the truth is they just don't like to see you thriving, because they get a kick out of their superior status when you're down.

That might not apply here with you, but may be worth considering. It sounds like she emotionally hijacked the first year of your being married, when you should have still been basking know the afterglow of being a newlywed (especially given how long you've waited for this happiness!).

What are you even saying? How could this person have been trying to exit OP’s life for years when she did a reading at OP’s wedding 9 months before OP posted her thread?

Your proof is false.

OP, you’ve got to take control and block and delete her.

Don’t allow her acknowledgements of your existence at birthdays and Christmas to reel you in.

It’s the only way you’ll get closure.

Having thought about it, I’d be getting arsey right about now. She had her perfect opportunity to be honest with you but no - she had to drop you yet another crumb by “promising” to contact you.

So I’d go all out. Message “Omg are you ok? Something terrible has obviously happened to prevent you messaging me - I know you wouldn’t have promised to if you didn’t mean it! I’m going to call the police to do a welfare check! Hang in there! Help is on the way!!”

She’s just being a bitch at this point.

I just found your thread, and honestly similar happened to me a few years ago. Friends for a decade. Saw them very often as we lived within same city! One day no more contact. But I'd see pictures of her out with mutual friends etc. Was maddening for a short while but I knew I'd done nothing wrong.

She sent me a message over 2 years later apologising for ghosting me after a chance bumping into her in the street (at which she seemed extremely panicked). Acknowledged that I'd not done anything and was her own personal issues. By that point I just was long since done, she hadn't even said hello when we'd bumped into each other earlier that day and I was heavily pregnant and had other things that deserved my focus far more! I didn't reply. Bumped into her a few more times and I smile politely and say hello, she shuts her head down and basically runs from the scene.

I know it's because she's ashamed of her own actions, I found out she'd been telling friends she had messaged me for over a year before she actually did and told them I'd done nothing and had no problem. All I did was hand over my phone with zero messages over to look at themselves and they've been with me when I've bumped into her and seen her reaction. Half of mutuals are no longer in contact with her either (not through any influence of mine).

If everything the OP said about her friend’s kind nature is true then she is unlikely to be purposely messing with the OP’s head. She has just downgraded the friendship - perhaps she had been slowly doing this for years either consciously or unconsciously but the OP has only just noticed. Whatever the case it doesn’t have to be all
or nothing - the friendship doesn’t have to either be the all intense best friends that it was from the OP’s point of view or completely over. It sounds like the friend is finding the happy medium that works for her rather than being cruel to the OP. As another poster said I would be interested to hear the friend’s take on the situation which I expect would be wildly different.

So sorry @EmeraldDreams73, I’ve been following your thread and had a feeling her text would be a false promise.

A similar thing happened to me years ago. Very close friend’s contact tapered off relatively abruptly. I mentioned it to a mutual acquaintance who said no one in the friendship group had heard from her either. I sent two or three texts asking how she was over the next few months but got no reply. I tied myself in knots wondering if she was ok, if I’d done something wrong etc.

A year or so later I got a text from her asking how I was, so we got chatting but she stopped replying again. I didn’t hear from her for another year until I got a Christmas card from her, so I texted her and we met up like normal for a few months. The last time we saw each other there was nothing to suggest anything was wrong, and she followed up by text thanking me for a lovely evening. But like before she stopped replying to me, then six months later she sent another ‘how are you’ only to disappear again after a few weeks. That was the last time I heard from her. I sent her a Christmas card a couple of years later as a non-intrusive attempt at rekindling communication but got nothing back.

It really hurt at the time but I look back now and just feel annoyed. I could have accepted (and indeed did) that she wanted to cut contact, but why then repeatedly re-open communication with me just to bin me off again? If something was going on for her then she did a good job at hiding it, and if I’d done something to upset her then she had a funny way of showing it. As much as it pained me I drew a line under the friendship, deleted her number and accepted that I’d never know.

I hope you can draw a line under this too because it will rip your self-esteem to shreds if you keep poking and examining the wound. It’s odd behaviour to have continued to send cards and to have kept in touch with your DC while ignoring texts, and cruel of her to have kept you dangling yesterday. I think the pissed off feelings will come with time and it gets easier from then on.

I often think two sides, however in this instance the OP has been very explicit. Indeed determined to blame herself.

The happy medium doesn't work for the OP - and nobody wins unless everybody wins. I wouldn't have given someone the benefit of the doubt to the extent that the OP has, however nor would I be allowing someone to shift me up and down their priority list as they pleased!

In the OP's position, I'd be blocking and moving on. The flaky behaviour of the woman in question will only continue otherwise, nipping it fully in the bud is the only option.

Where's that going to.get her?
Probably be ignored.
It's over op move on.

The amount of people who want to have the last word on anything is terrible advice.

Your not going to be friends, move on. Stop giving her the satisfaction of chasing her. Stop troubling your brain over what to say next.
Nobody is worth upsetting your mental for nobody.

Stop now.....

I think she's being incredibly cruel. She obviously can't face talking to you and so I would take control and block her. Absolutely dreadful treatment of an old friend. The friendship is over, because there is no excuse for this

Hi Op, you sound such a good friend to her. Sorry to hear you have been so upset. I've been in the same situation and sorry to say I think she is phasing you out. Could be a number of reasons. It might not be you that has changed, might be her.

My best friend phased me out and now there is no contact. In hindsight I lost a lot of weight, several stones. Then started doing really well at work, bought a bigger house etc. Before I was always beneath her in her eyes. I didn't realise the signs were there. As I started doing better she tried to cut me down and was very insecure. It's just a thought anyway.

It’s she’s still not replied with her answer/reason she’s taking the piss. If this was a romantic relationship and a man did this everyone would be saying it’s a red flag. It is a red flag.

I might send something like “I’m going to assume that your promise to contact me was bullshit. That’s fine - frankly your behaviour towards me has been incredibly shabby and immature and with that in mind you are no loss. If you didn’t want to remain friends you could have just been honest months ago rather than stringing it out in the slightly bizarre way you have. I’m now drawing the line I should have long ago. I wish you well but don’t bother messaging or sending cards again”.

..

This kind of reply is really tempting because it’s the truth.
The problem is that it comes across as quite intense and needy. Your ex friend will probably be quite pleased with it because she can tell herself (and others) that you were too intense and needy. Saying and doing nothing will be much harder for her to process and she will have no ammunition against you.
I know it’s really hard but silence is the best response

I am so sorry, OP. I really think it was your successful second marriage. I think that she understood and could manage the relationship when you were in the abusive first marriage (perhaps she felt useful or powerful) but now you have emerged into your new life she is jealous of your second chance and your altered social status.

So sorry OP, this sounds really painful 😞 I don’t understand people who mess with other people’s feelings like this - it isn’t fair and she evidently isn’t as nice as you thought she was.

Sometimes people can wear a mask for years, even decades but hers has slipped and you can now see the real her.

Hi OP.
You sound absolutely lovely, I wish you were my friend.
I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve you at all.I feel angry with her on your behalf.

Try to find your anger, it's not easy, but think if a friend came to you with this story, what would you advise them to do ?
I'm a people pleaser too, annoying as that is.I was brought up that way, and I saw my Mum tie herself in knots over interactions with friends.
Her default state was to blame herself first despite the truth of any situation.
This has rubbed on me and I find myself doing exactly the same.
One thing that struck me was you being so happy and relieved when she finally replied to you.My heart sank when I read your update.How dare she offer crumbs then not follow through.
She's being bloody cruel I think.
Please try to move on and block her.Be happy 💐

I completely agree. P is dragging this out because she’s hoping OP will snap, be ‘rude’, and tell her to just go away and not contact her. And then she can do exactly that with the justification ‘she told me she wants nothing to do with me, I have the messages to prove it’.

OP needs to stay completely silent and keep the power.

I completely agree, as tempting as it is, (and as true as that sentiment feels to me!) she's had quite enough intensity from me to know she matters. Any more will just come across as too much - the simple fact is, she knows how to reach me and doesn't want to. If she ever offers any explanation I'll be interested to know but I will never ask her or anyone else for it and certainly won't be looking for messages. When someone shows you who they are, believe them, as my counsellor would say!

Happy New Year to you all whatever you're doing. X

Happy New Year to you too @EmeraldDreams73. Move into 2025 knowing you tried, but you're done trying. It's her loss, don't give her any more head space (however tempting!).

I think you should take this change as a sign of how far you've come, because if I could put money on it, I'd agree with pp that you've upset the dynamic.

By climbing your way to happiness and contentment you've ceased to be the 'lesser' one and for whatever reason she isn't dealing with that cognitive dissonance well, so instead of adjusting to it and celebrating your new status of 'succeeding in life', she's pushing you away.

It could be entirely subconscious, or in the privacy of her own mind she may be aware that she enjoyed being the strong one with healthy boundaries and doesn't like being on equal footing.

Speculation of course, but human nature is a funny thing and the ego can create interesting reactions.

Anyway, from the window you've given I think this is a good sign for those reasons, though sad it is the end of what was a successful friendship for a long time.

Just had a message saying 'Sorry, failed to do what I said already! Chatting face to face would be good, are you ever around on x or y weekdays? Then suggesting a couple of places we could meet, then wishing us all a Happy New Year.

I'm a bit over it tbh. Main feeling at the moment is 🙄 but I can also feel some 😡 bubbling up, which is a novelty!

I will reply before midnight giving a few possible dates, because I would really like to know what's in her head. However, after such a long time I'm almost interested to note just how disinclined I am to jump! Progress, perhaps...