Best friend and ex bf

[FirmBlueRaven]

I recently discovered my best friend from childhood is seeing my ex boyfriend. For context this friend is more like a sister to me- she and her mum put a roof over my head when I had no where else to go as a teenager and we literally slept in the same bed for months. And this ex was my first serious relationship/love.

Somebody messaged me and asked if I knew if they were still together and I was confused as I was not aware they were. I have a long term relationship and child with another partner now and obviously don’t care for him anymore in the slightest. My Friend mentioned they had gone put together last year and I told her then I wasn’t bothered about what he does I just wish him happiness. Now, I have found out they have been together since this first meeting and she hasn’t mentioned it to me once. I have also seen her about 6 times since this conversation and she has met my baby 4 times (she is 6 months old.) claiming she is always busy but has regularly found the time to see other people.

When I confronted her about this she stated she didnt mean to make it seem she was prioritising other people and she didnt tell me about my ex as she didnt want to upset me or taint my pregnancy/post birth.

My issue is, she clearly has been prioritising people over me and whilst I’m not bothered they’re together as I wish them both to be happy (although I do find it very strange) I’m annoyed that she didn’t tell me for the best part of a year and feel like she’s using my pregnancy as an excuse. Another thing is whilst he was my bf, he slagged her off constantly saying what a bad person she was, a bad friend, mean…

We are meeting up on Monday and don’t know whether to bring this up and also ask her how i’m meant to trust her anymore? I tell her everything in my life and misses out this massive part of her life for so long. She has also missed out on the first 6 months of my babies life and abandoned me during labour and the newborn/postnatal stage at a time I really needed her most and i've been totally alone for 6 months. It just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone who their child calls Auntie cos theyre that important to them but at the same time I don’t want to ruin our friendship or make her feel bad if she genuinely was trying to ‘protect’ me.

She's not handled this very well, but this type of situation isn't unusual.

My late husband knew (via his ex) that the ex had been visiting his widowed best friend. (The ex's Affair Partner had died less than year previously.)

He got a phone call from his best friend asking if he was okay with him moving in with the ex. All I heard was DH saying "Michty! What are you talking about? I've been married to Weary for 16 years!"

Everyone in your situation has also moved on, if I understand correctly?

Maybe I'm naive and projecting a bit, but it sounds to me as though your friend is an overthinker and possibly was trying to protect you. I hope that you can work round this.

I agree.

I think generally I wouldn't go there with the ex of a friend, but maybe it depends on the circumstances. How long were you together & how long have you split up? How old were you both when you split?

I probably wouldn't be too chuffed if I was in your position, but her text does seem pretty genuine/sincere to me. If you value her friendship, maybe hear her out at least?

It is a difficult situation. My husband's best friend was lovely - the ex...not so much. However, the best friend was indeed a really good friend and it was worth navigating things for the sake of that friendship.

How long ago and how old were you?
The fact you describe it as confronting her kind of signifys that you feel you've been wronged/have a say in either of their relationships?

If you’ve ’moved on’ and told her you didn’t mind her seeing your ex, I genuinely don’t see what you’re being so self-righteous about. You sound as though you think you’re entitled to her time, and as though you and your child should be her priority. Surely you had your partner to help during labour and the newborn stage? Doesn’t she get to have her own priorities? If this is how you behave, I can see why she kept schtum.

@WearyAuldWumman thats what I was thinking too and I really don’t want to fall out but don’t want to seem like an idiot or let her walk all over me in the future if she thinks she “got away with it.” if you see where i'm coming from. I think I might just ask some genuine questions I have about the relationship, express how upset I am/was and how she mishandled it, then tell her she choses her part in our lives and I reciprocate her efforts and attention so if she doesn’t make time for us-I dont make time for her…. And then let the past be the past as it can’t be changed now.

You say she's abandoned you, left you alone through pregnancy and newborn stage... But then also said she has met your baby 4 times..... Which is it?

let her walk all over me in the future if she thinks she “got away with it.”

Got away with what? He was single? She was single?
Did your current partner have a girlfriend before you?

@ILikeItWhatIsIt we were together just shy of 2 years from ages 18-20 which was nearly 3 years ago now. But I am going to hear her out and just express my feelings about the relationship and how she handled it and how involved in our lives she is.

I went out with a guy (E) whose best friend I had had a very brief relationship with at the age of 18 and this was like 20 years later. He got really worried about it and built it into a huge thing in his head that it would cause his friend hurt if he knew but was also worried it would cause massive issues if he didn't and his friend found out and in the end it got built into this massive worry that he just couldn't bring himself to say anything about and got to the point where he was avoiding his friend due to the stress for about 5 months. When he did tell his friend he couldn't have cared less as I'd predicted but I genuinely believe E was just so worried that his friend would be upset that he probably wouldn't have mentioned it for a much longer time if he hadn't thought we might run into his friend at an event we were going to.

If she is a good friend then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Talk it out with her. By all means express your hurt at her absence but I don't think her actions were meant to be cruel.

It was shy of 3 years ago and I meant confronting about the hiding not the relationship although I admit that may not have been clear how I wrote it. Like I say, I have nothing to do with him anymore and dont really care theyre together if theyre happy. I just dont like the fact she hid from me and for a whole year.

@FlaggyShore My partner works away and (as you may know) only has 2 weeks paternity leave. The first week me and my daughter were in the hospital due to a tricky birth and so we only had 1 week at home together.

My issue lies with the fact she has hidden it from me for so long and then catapulted that into not seeing me as often to “mute it down” when she knew I was alone. (We previously saw eachother atleast once a week) I am just conflicted as to wether to ask her why she hid it and that she choses her place and the amount of effort and time she has with us and I will reciprocate that at a risk of causing an argument or upset. I obviously sympathise that she has been in an incredibly difficult situation but at the same time I need to protect me and my childs feeling and understand that she does still want to be as big a part in our lives.

@rachelvbwho Maybe for some this is considered a normal amount but previous to them getting together we saw eachother atleast once a week but mostly more and she was telling me she was gonna be in the labour room… so 4 times isn’t really a lot of times for us. For perspective another one pf her friends has a 3 month old that she goes and see maybe every 2 weeks maybe more.

Do you think you have a say in who she sees and how she lives her life? It seems you possibly had a friendship where you 'led' and expect her to defer to you? The fact you call her living her own life "mishandling stuff" is bonkers. What 'genuine questions' are you confronting her with??

Bluntly, so what, though? You had a baby. Your friend, however close, isn’t responsible for making up for your partner’s short leave and your prolonged hospitalisation. I absolutely get that it’s tough. I had DS in a different country to all family and almost all friends, and DH was unexpectedly made redundant a month before my due date, which meant he needed to grab the first job he could find, a two-hour commute away, which meant he left at 6 am and got home at 8.30, and it was very tough, especially as I had a CS whose scar got infected and lived up a flight of steps, and then got kidney stones and had to go to A and E alone at midnight — but was our job to deal with. It wasn’t any of our friends’ jobs. Your friend had her own stuff going on. She’s not wrong to prioritise herself. And, given your response, I’m not surprised she chose to keep it from you.

And maybe she no longer wants to be ‘a big part of your lives’, if that means prioritising you. Maybe she’s fine with seeing you four times in six months — it’s possible that this isn’t any kind of punishment for her. Maybe your ex is a very attentive boyfriend, and she’s all loved up and happy.

@DoreenonTill8 you seem to care more than me 🤣 Ive always stated i dont give to 2 flying shits their together- I only care about my friendship and that friendship is her not seeing me or my child and hiding a massive part of her life from me. If I hadn’t found put when would she have told me? Would she have just turned up to my house married with a child one day and me none the wiser. Its literally not about their relationship at all- as you stated and are absolutely right I have a new partner and child who are my family and all I care about.

@FirmBlueRaven not really, you've started the thread!

I think you didn't quite move past that young stage where your "best friend" is more like a partner. Maybe your relationship now is struggling at you've certainly jumped in very quickly, but with a baby on the scene you should try to make it work rather than focusing all your emotional effort on how to better control your friend. You could try out baby groups too to make some new friends going through the same life stage, as that really helps. As for the friend - just be nice, she's your mate, no need to burn bridges over who she dates.

Jaysis. You’re quite the drama llama.

She has seen your kid a fine amount - she didn’t “miss the first six months” and she told ya about the ex. Did she lie about her love life or the first meeting when ya asked how it went?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say i do think it’s a shitty thing for your friend to have done, considering they’d been together for a year then say you’d been split up from your ex 2 years at the time they started out? 2 years isn’t really a long time on the grand scale of things. I don’t think you’re “batshit” or “controlling” as the catastrophisers above will claim. I will say though and please don’t take it to heart as I’m only 25 myself, you do sound a bit immature going on about how she’s been prioritising other people etc unfortunately that’s just life and even more so when you have children. You prioritise your baby, don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. I can’t imagine starting a relationship with my friends exes and if they done that to me I’d count my losses tbh. You need to decide now whether or not your friendship is worth continuing, your friend will be thinking of her own future now and she may be willing to lose you if it means marriage and kids so it really comes down to whether or not you can forgive her for overstepping that boundary.

Sounds like your BF did the wrong thing but with the right intentions.

How you handle this will now determine the future of the friendship. Concentrate on the bad and the friendship will decay and die. Instead, concentrate on the fact that your BF tried to do the right thing by not stressing you whilst pregnant and appreciate you have a friend for life.