Best friend and ex bf

[FirmBlueRaven]

I recently discovered my best friend from childhood is seeing my ex boyfriend. For context this friend is more like a sister to me- she and her mum put a roof over my head when I had no where else to go as a teenager and we literally slept in the same bed for months. And this ex was my first serious relationship/love.

Somebody messaged me and asked if I knew if they were still together and I was confused as I was not aware they were. I have a long term relationship and child with another partner now and obviously don’t care for him anymore in the slightest. My Friend mentioned they had gone put together last year and I told her then I wasn’t bothered about what he does I just wish him happiness. Now, I have found out they have been together since this first meeting and she hasn’t mentioned it to me once. I have also seen her about 6 times since this conversation and she has met my baby 4 times (she is 6 months old.) claiming she is always busy but has regularly found the time to see other people.

When I confronted her about this she stated she didnt mean to make it seem she was prioritising other people and she didnt tell me about my ex as she didnt want to upset me or taint my pregnancy/post birth.

My issue is, she clearly has been prioritising people over me and whilst I’m not bothered they’re together as I wish them both to be happy (although I do find it very strange) I’m annoyed that she didn’t tell me for the best part of a year and feel like she’s using my pregnancy as an excuse. Another thing is whilst he was my bf, he slagged her off constantly saying what a bad person she was, a bad friend, mean…

We are meeting up on Monday and don’t know whether to bring this up and also ask her how i’m meant to trust her anymore? I tell her everything in my life and misses out this massive part of her life for so long. She has also missed out on the first 6 months of my babies life and abandoned me during labour and the newborn/postnatal stage at a time I really needed her most and i've been totally alone for 6 months. It just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone who their child calls Auntie cos theyre that important to them but at the same time I don’t want to ruin our friendship or make her feel bad if she genuinely was trying to ‘protect’ me.

And to add to above ^ as you told her at the start you were cool with it, it would be pretty unfair to now say you’re not. (Didn’t realise you’d given her the go ahead before).

This. And we were together just shy of 2 years from ages 18-20 so completely serious, exclusive relationship?

@GRex I absolutely agree! We do do baby classes and swimming… And I want to find a way to move past this and for her to feel comfortable with me about her relationship and “save” our friendship. As for the friendship maturing, that is absolutely fine with me had I been clued in. I had been led to believe from her she was going to see us very frequently and she’d be with me in labour… and then she wasn’t with no other words about it. I left her obviously as were adults with lives that get busy but don’t promise things and then not do it because of a hidden relationship

I absolutely agree with this.
FGS let it go, OP.
This level of rage is unhealthy.

@JustTalkToThem yes 🤣 I only know as someone else told me. And as ive said in other replies we normally saw eachother atleast once a week before the relationship started and she told me she was going to be in the delivery room… and then sees her other friends baby atleast every 2 weeks. Out of context she has seen my baby a normal amount of times but with the context it seems she hasn’t seen my baby due to the relationship

The reality is once you've had a baby your relationship with people often change. You're in a different world to them. They are continuing on, on their normal path but you've entered another Galaxy and it's not always easy to continue the same relationship dynamic. You've now found she has kept an intimate part of her life from you and you're hurting. I get that but it would seem she overthought the situation and decided to keep shtum..she realises her decision hurt you and has apologised.
You both have to decide how much your friendship means to you both and move on or maybe call it a day.

she and her mum put a roof over my head when I had no where else to go as a teenager and we literally slept in the same bed for months. And this ex was my first serious relationship/love.
How long did you live in her home for? Was she in agreement to your moving in? Were you dating this boy at the same time?

Im not angry in the slightest just upset as I feel deceived and i’ve not seen my bestfriend properly for a year due to a relationship she wanted to hide

Why do you feel she needed to hide it?

She obviously felt she couldn't tell you... going by your reaction, she was right

@neilyoungismyhero 100% agree and we both want to stay friends obviously I just want to be clued in to what I’ve missed and for her to have a relationship with my baby.

You’re high maintenance and she didn’t tell you because she thought she’d get it in the neck from you and she couldn’t face your drama.

@DoreenonTill8 Yeah it was her suggestion and about 5 months. And No it was before but I stayed at her house about 3 times a week when we first got together

She told you about their first date and you told her that you’re not concerned about what your ex does so why would their relationship be an issue ?
She hasn’t mishandled anything but probably didn’t consult you as she knew how you’d react ! You’re happy now ( aren’t you ?) , so just wish them luck and move on .

It's worth remembering that to her you've "moved on" with the partner and baby, she hasn't done that bit yet so it makes it harder for her to connect as easily. This may not be only about the ex, but a necessary adjustment that's the start of the two of you getting to a new stage where you aren't everything to each other, still important - but not the everything you once were. Your baby has that spot now, and if things work over time maybe your partner will get there too. I hope you find fun mum friends to have coffee with, the ones I found have been a godsend! Try to take it all calmly, and I think you'll both benefit as your respective worlds grow.

@Justcommentingby thankyou was questioning my upbringing 🤣 Yeah Im not bothered about the relationship tbh as long as theyre both happy. And I get what you’re saying about prioritising but she told me she was going to be in the delivery room… and we saw eachother atleast 2 times a week before the relationship started. So I was just basing how much we saw eachother from what she has said. So to then not see or talk to her at all lately and then everytime I asked her to go out she was ‘busy’ but then could see her with other friends or friends babies just left me a bit confused. Had she just told me about the relationship then I wouldn’t of cared as obviously she will prioritise her relationship but as I didnt know about it I thought she was trying to distance herself from me or Id done something to upset her.

I agree.

@FirmBlueRaven The friendship dynamic can really change when one of you has a baby and the other doesn't, same thing when someone gets married. Plus, you and your friend are very young and things can just change as life moves on into your 20s. I think you're overdramatising the situation and should let it go. Your friend hasn't done anything massively wrong.

If someone took me in when I was homeless in my teens, and gave me a roof over my head for months, then I think they would be my friend forever, as far as I was concerned, without them needing to ‘earn’ my ongoing friendship by seeing me a certain amount or attending me in labour, or filling me in on their relationships.

Or is the issue that because she and her mother looked after you when you were homeless, you feel she should still be doing it, OP?

@DoreenonTill8 @Justcommentingby Yeah it was a serious relationship we were talking about moving out together… and still am completely fine with the relationship just sad that I’ve missed the first year of it (in terms of an important time in her life and that she felt she had to hide it from me)

Just to preface for everyone who wants to come and shit talk me when im simply asking for advice (it can be done without name calling) I DONT CARE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP especially if theyre both happy. I also dont try to control her or whatever. We are both adults with busy lives I’m simply upset i’ve missed an important part of her life as she didnt tell me and that she doesnt have as close as a relationship with my child that she 1) said she would and 2) I would like :)
Also I am very happy with my relationship and child thankyou
Sending love to everyone as you all seem to need some love, peace and positivity in your lives if you’re so spiteful online

@FlaggyShore neither :) I simply define friendship and talking to eachother about our lives, problems… and I cant support her or help her if I don’t know what is going on in her life

@FlaggyShore I actually happen to own a house and have been looking after myself and siblings since I was a child. This whole post originated from being upset she felt she had to had such a big part of her life from me when I would of been nothing but happy and supportive and how to navigate the friendship now when I feel I need more socialising and feel isolated especially with my partner being away, so simply to find a way to see eachother more and both being happy and comfortable with each other.

However, it seems from your tone you are upset with something yourself and feel the need to send sly digs or insults disguised as advice or questions.

I think you need to adjust your expectations in your friendship now. I didn't see friends as much after they had their babies and I also saw less of friends after I had mine. Life changes and the way people present in your life changes. I have a very good friend who just wouldn't want to hang out with me and my now toddler every week. That's fine, I didn't want to hang out with my friends and their baby every week when I was childfree.

Her life is her own. She has her own things going on. You shouldn't confront her or ask for an explanation or complain all you can do I say you miss her and would love to see her more. Perhaps her relationship made her feel awkward and now it's out in the open is an opportunity for you to show her she had nothing to worry about!

It just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone who their child calls Auntie cos theyre that important

Trying to understand the situation - does she have a child that calls you Auntie?

Can't be ops as it's a newborn I thought.