Best friend and ex bf

[FirmBlueRaven]

I recently discovered my best friend from childhood is seeing my ex boyfriend. For context this friend is more like a sister to me- she and her mum put a roof over my head when I had no where else to go as a teenager and we literally slept in the same bed for months. And this ex was my first serious relationship/love.

Somebody messaged me and asked if I knew if they were still together and I was confused as I was not aware they were. I have a long term relationship and child with another partner now and obviously don’t care for him anymore in the slightest. My Friend mentioned they had gone put together last year and I told her then I wasn’t bothered about what he does I just wish him happiness. Now, I have found out they have been together since this first meeting and she hasn’t mentioned it to me once. I have also seen her about 6 times since this conversation and she has met my baby 4 times (she is 6 months old.) claiming she is always busy but has regularly found the time to see other people.

When I confronted her about this she stated she didnt mean to make it seem she was prioritising other people and she didnt tell me about my ex as she didnt want to upset me or taint my pregnancy/post birth.

My issue is, she clearly has been prioritising people over me and whilst I’m not bothered they’re together as I wish them both to be happy (although I do find it very strange) I’m annoyed that she didn’t tell me for the best part of a year and feel like she’s using my pregnancy as an excuse. Another thing is whilst he was my bf, he slagged her off constantly saying what a bad person she was, a bad friend, mean…

We are meeting up on Monday and don’t know whether to bring this up and also ask her how i’m meant to trust her anymore? I tell her everything in my life and misses out this massive part of her life for so long. She has also missed out on the first 6 months of my babies life and abandoned me during labour and the newborn/postnatal stage at a time I really needed her most and i've been totally alone for 6 months. It just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone who their child calls Auntie cos theyre that important to them but at the same time I don’t want to ruin our friendship or make her feel bad if she genuinely was trying to ‘protect’ me.

Yes the OP's child is 6 months, so it must be the friend who is dating the ex-boyfriend that has an older child. So maybe she is just generally busy with her life?

@Matronic6 Agree completely! I want to show her I support her and that I miss her and want her to be a part of my babies life and be a part of her life too! We generally have a very chill friendship were we do one big catch up in person due to uni, work, babies. So the fact she hasn’t mentioned it just kinda bummed me as like I say I would of been fully supportive

@InWalksBarberalla Sorry for the confusion- no my baby (6 months) is going to call her Auntie/ she is talked about as Auntie Name. e.g. she has a top saying Auntie Name is the best Auntie…

Exactly.. controlling to the max.

Thanks, think I understand the situation now.
I do feel for you - as it seems like your friendship was very close and you are still both very young. Unfortunately friendships can wane over time - particularly when you are both at very different life stages (you're married with a baby, she is dating). I guess she does feel that dating your ex is a bit wrong and has felt uncomfortable with that and stepped back without realising how that impacted you during your pregnancy and with a newborn (not having been through that herself). I don't think there is much you can do though - only time will tell if you end up as lifelong friends or she'll be a memory of a childhood friend down the track.

Sorry if asked but just looking for a bit of context, who ended the relationship with your exbf, him or you?

Who your friend sees is her business. Who your friend tells is her business. Who your friend doesn't tell is her business.

@Thevelvelletes okay you have a child who is excited to see their auntie have been looking forward to it then she cancels or just doesnt show. Next time she promises to take your child to a funfair then she cancels in the mean time you’re child is hearing about how Auntie keeps taking another child to the fair, cinema, toy shop, playing at their house… but theyve not seen auntie for months and she keeps promising to do things with them. Would you just allow your child to be constantly disappointed or would you protect them by distancing yourself from this person and taking a step back in order to spare and protect you’re childs feelings?

Or are you too scared to be judged by other people and be seen as controlling? As that seems like a you issue, as there is nothing wrong with trying to protect my child and myself from being let down and hurt if she can’t fulfil her promises. Ive not come on matter of fact or thinking I know the answers as what would be the point in posting if I knew what to do. I’ve come on asking for advice as how to navigate the next part of our friendship and move forward. So if you don’t have any advice go bother someone else. I’ve not come on here to become a target of abuse for other peoples sad boring lives.

I teach all my children in my classroom and out if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it- if 4 year olds can grasp it i’m sure you can wrap you’re head around it and then maybe think about what you’re saying (again what I teach children) is it helpful, is it needed, is it kind?

and that goes with everyone else who has come on just to insult and abuse @DoreenonTill8 @FlaggyShore @Franjipanl8r @TheShellBeach @MillyMollyMandHey @JustTalkToThem

You have no right to be upset about any of this. You don't own people just because they are or have been in a relationship with you, and it is quite disordered to think you do. I would strongly suggest intense therapy.

@LifeExperience

I thought your child was a 9.month old? Who is being expected to be taken to all these things and who is being taken instead? Are you projecting to a possible future where the other child is this aunties own child?!

@LifeExperience are you mental? Therapy is for people with mental health problems, trauma, stress… nevermind intense therapy 🤣 I am upset as my friend felt she had to hide something from me and I haven’t had the chance to see her as much and we both would like and you think that warrants not just therapy- intense therapy. What do you think of abusers, pedos, rapists, murderers… if you think having emotions warrants therapy 🤣

@DoreenonTill8 no this other child is my friends friends baby who have I mentioned in many other comments who she sees atleast every 2 weeks. (So much for judging when you have clearly only read posts involving yourself but have the nerve to call ME selfish 🫠)

@DoreenonTill8 you seem hellbent on making up narratives in your head or just trying to find some flaw in what I say but have yet to actually solicit some actual advice? Why don’t you go back, read all the posts and words very carefully, interpret EXACTLY what is on the page (without going off in your head of what your perception of me is or what you think I mean or sound like) and then come back and give out some actual advice without any name calling or digs that could somewhat be helpful to my situation and what im asking (which to be crystal clear- is how to navigate our friendship going forward so we both feel comfortable)

Kind of both- I said I needed some time away as he just wasn’t being very boyfriendly or mature and I wanted some space to think and then we got back together after 2 weeks for 3 days and he was like your right in what you’re saying we aren’t working and should break up.

okay you have a child who is excited to see their auntie have been looking forward to it then she cancels or just doesnt show. Next time she promises to take your child to a funfair then she cancels in the mean time you’re child is hearing about how Auntie keeps taking another child to the fair, cinema, toy shop, playing at their house… but theyve not seen auntie for months and she keeps promising to do things with them.

Do you have 2 children? Surely your 6 month old isn't excited to be seeing anyone or going to a fun fair etc? At 6 months old they wouldn't be aware of any of that.

@InWalksBarberalla I’m talking about the future. And shes 6 months not 6 weeks, she is very aware of what is going on. Laughs at people, talks to people, cries when people leave (as do most 6 month olds I fear)

@FirmBlueRaven - so you are holding things against your friend that she hasn't even done? But you think she will do in the future? I think maybe you need to step away from this friendship for both of your sakes.

@InWalksBarberalla again context is a beautiful thing- this was a hypothetical situation in reply to the original comment. Ordinarily that is mental, anything can happen in the future that we can’t control. In context to the comment- makes perfect sense and paints a point. But I should walk away from the friendship as I want to be friends? That makes sense. I want to find out how to move forward and yet i’m the one who should bail?

Just tell her this then. Cooly and calmly - that you’re happy for her, but also relieved to know what was wrong because you’ve felt her distance and missed her friendship. Show your vulnerability without getting mad or making her feel bad about her relationship, and this can be a good opportunity to get your friendship back on track.

The thing is you having a baby was always going to change the dynamic of the friendship. To keep up the same level of contact as before would require your friend to put in more effort and energy because you have less freedom and time now. But her starting a new relationship actually means she has less time available than before. This combination of changes naturally results in you seeing each other less. That's just life though. You can't expect her to put her life on hold and pick up the slack for you to keep your level of contact the same.

I understand you are hurt that she kept something important from you, but I think you are projecting too much onto that. Her keeping a secret from you is not the cause of all this. Both your lives have changed. If you want to stay friends you need to understand and accept that. No one is at fault here.

If you want to keep the friendship, then accept that she was trying to do the right thing. She may have cocked it up but if you value her as a friend the surely you think she’s the type of person who would try to do the right thing?

in which case your approach should be to take it at face value, and just have a chat with her about when it’s possible to see more of each other. And then get on with it.

if after that she continues to not see you, at that point will you know where your friendship stands.

This