Best friend and ex bf

[FirmBlueRaven]

I recently discovered my best friend from childhood is seeing my ex boyfriend. For context this friend is more like a sister to me- she and her mum put a roof over my head when I had no where else to go as a teenager and we literally slept in the same bed for months. And this ex was my first serious relationship/love.

Somebody messaged me and asked if I knew if they were still together and I was confused as I was not aware they were. I have a long term relationship and child with another partner now and obviously don’t care for him anymore in the slightest. My Friend mentioned they had gone put together last year and I told her then I wasn’t bothered about what he does I just wish him happiness. Now, I have found out they have been together since this first meeting and she hasn’t mentioned it to me once. I have also seen her about 6 times since this conversation and she has met my baby 4 times (she is 6 months old.) claiming she is always busy but has regularly found the time to see other people.

When I confronted her about this she stated she didnt mean to make it seem she was prioritising other people and she didnt tell me about my ex as she didnt want to upset me or taint my pregnancy/post birth.

My issue is, she clearly has been prioritising people over me and whilst I’m not bothered they’re together as I wish them both to be happy (although I do find it very strange) I’m annoyed that she didn’t tell me for the best part of a year and feel like she’s using my pregnancy as an excuse. Another thing is whilst he was my bf, he slagged her off constantly saying what a bad person she was, a bad friend, mean…

We are meeting up on Monday and don’t know whether to bring this up and also ask her how i’m meant to trust her anymore? I tell her everything in my life and misses out this massive part of her life for so long. She has also missed out on the first 6 months of my babies life and abandoned me during labour and the newborn/postnatal stage at a time I really needed her most and i've been totally alone for 6 months. It just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone who their child calls Auntie cos theyre that important to them but at the same time I don’t want to ruin our friendship or make her feel bad if she genuinely was trying to ‘protect’ me.

I agree.

Christ, there's some amount of high school crap going on here. Childhood boyfriends, crying over not being the centre of your bff's universe, getting upset over hypothetical situations, t-shirts with 'Auntie' on it. It really does have it all. You've got a baby now, OP. You're going to need to grow up tout de suite!

Her life is her own. She has her own things going on. You shouldn't confront her or ask for an explanation or complain all you can do I say you miss her and would love to see her more.

I agree with this, rather than the upset approach assuming she's been shitty by hiding things from you and avoiding you. She's been a very good friend to you in the past and both your lives have changed and are busy in different ways. Even if this wasn't your ex, she'd be busy with her relationship and your baby wouldn't be her priority now. But she has still seen the baby a fair amount in any context and she's being sensitive by not discussing the ex with you. It might not just be being careful about your feelings either. She might not want your take on him and her, especially as from your OP you seem to be ready to reveal what a bad person he thought she was, as if that's a trump card that you know him better and he likes you more. When in fact he might have liked her and been overcompensating back then. See, it's a minefield when you've both had the same guy and she's wise to avoid those conversations. You'd be wise to enjoy the friendship for what it is now rather than forcing the difficult issues and losing her for good.

The auntie example is a bit loopy, sorry. She's not your DC auntie, no matter what it says on some top, and those projections and expectations are all more like what a separated dad might be accused of, not what you'd put on a real auntie let alone a friend. She's got a normal relationship with your baby for what a friend would have. It seems like your expectations are very high based on what her family did for you as a teen. But you're still both young and friendships don't come with that level of responsibility. You keep saying how much she sees this friends' friend's baby as if that's proof that she's shortchanging you, but it just proves how she's already busy with that friend and her own boyfriend and she can't be that person for you. She's not your sister or your partner. She is a friend and she's being a friend.

I DONT CARE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP

I think you do care. Or you’d not have said the bit about him talking badly of her during your time together, because that sounds like a way of undermining what they have.

Plus your ownership of her is overbearing.

What should she have done in order for you not to be upset, in your opinion?

@ILikeItWhatIsIt guarantee I grew up long before you, I don’t think its a crime for caring about someone and them caring about me? As if said i have asked for advice if you have none quite frankly go bully someone else as I am not easily bullied, especially a keyboard warrior

@Improbablywrong I dont 🤣 Ive already said loads of times I am happy for them. I just am not sure if its something she should be aware of or if by gones are by gones. And if it was me I would have asked for a time she was free to have a good talk together as I need to tell her something and im not sure how you will take the news. Then talk to her about it and see where we both lie afterwards, let her know how I feel about her ex/ and our friendship and that I never meant it maliciously, how we feel and how to move forward and then count my losses and respect her decision if she decided she couldn’t be friends anymore. I would not have hid her from it from a year.

@pinkdelight Thankyou! I only mention the things he said as I wasn’t sure if I should let her know he said it or leave it in the past as we are all obviously different people- wasn’t about trump cards or anything snidey. Was just wondering if it would be something she would want to know! I am definitely just wondering how to navigate the new friendship with boundaries we are both happy with :)

You're not asking for advice though, are you? You're asking for validation. Plenty of people have given you advice & opinions, but because it's not what you want to hear, you're calling it bullying. So, again, grow up.

I wasn’t sure if I should let her know he said it or leave it in the past

You seriously think she'd want to know that he used to tell you that he didn't like her? What could be gained by that? It would look totally snidey and/or insecure, and would only push them further away. He'd be able to justify it - and people do change their minds anyway - and it'd feed any sense that you were causing trouble. Even if you genuinely think there's some valid reason to consider saying it to her, that only proves she's right to not discuss this relationship with you, as you've got a skewed take on it that isn't helpful for her and won't make your friendship better.

This is so much drama. Just wish them well and move on.

abandoned me during labour and the newborn/postnatal stage at a time I really needed her most and i've been totally alone for 6 months.

How is this possible when a) you have a partner and b) she’s seen your baby 4 times.

Your child isn’t calling her auntie or anything else – they are 6 months old.

You know how he used to bad-mouth her to you? He's probably bad-mouthing you to her, and that may well be why she's cut down the contact.

@ILikeItWhatIsIt I have- look at any of the thread of people who are being mature and respectful in their opinion and advice. My question was how can I now navigate the new friendship with boundaries we are both comfortable with?

@pinkdelight thankyou! That was my thought tbh to just leave it in the past, was just interested to see what other people though, would do and opinions x

@Didimum please just read the whole thread as I’m really tired of having to say the same thing over and over to people who are quick to assume they know me or her and haven’t even read all the thread to see. I have already said my partner works away so I have been alone the majority of the time since she was 2 weeks old. And no obviously not she can’t talk, again as already explained my friend is spoken about to the baby as Auntie Name by myself and her.

@ChristmasFluff possibly, I hadn’t thought about it that way!

You've said once that your partner works away and not in your OP – don't expect people to catch that. Regardless, it's not your friend's problem that you chose to have a baby with a father who is absent a lot for work.

You could have expected her to tell you she was dating her ex, but she didn't. She's apologised and told you her reasons – you either decide to get over it or you don't. I think you're being a little OTT wit how often you expect her to see you, and with all the 'auntie' stuff and imagined expectations about her cancelling on taking your child to the fair ... why go down these fictitious paths?

It all sounds incredibly immature.

@Didimum the ‘fictitious paths’ were in response to another comment xxx

Doesn’t he work the opposite shift to you in a restaurant?

@Smithhy weird you know that 🤣 thats what we were going to do come the new year he has been (for the past 10 years) been working 8-10:30 (am-pm) everyday except his day off Sunday.

Another one against the grain here. I think what she did was shitty. She knew it was shitty which is why hid it and distanced herself. Her 'I'm so genuine in my reasons for lying to you for a year' text is absolute BS. It was easiest to avoid you than be honest. However, talk to her and explain how you feel. Friendships change, especially when one has kids. I had a best friend of 20 years and by the time my DS was 5 we'd agreed we couldn't make our friendship work because we were both at different stages in life and had other priorities. Then I met 'mum friends' and all these years on, they are my best friends. I hope you can work it out with your friend but if not, there's plenty more people out there x

It’s normal for friends to reduce contact when they get into a new relationship. It can suck a bit for the one not in the new relationship but it’s normal. Their priorities change… and that’s nothing to do with WHO they are seeing just that they have this new relationship which takes up a lot of their time. My best friend and I saw eachother multiple times a week and spoke on the phone daily when he was single and now he’s got a girlfriend I’m lucky if I catch up with him once a month. It’s change of priorities just like your priorities changed when you had a child… it’s life.

Stop being a baby, you’re a grown woman.

This sounds like a very aggressive stance to take!
You need to calm down.

It seems the most upsetting thing to you is the secrecy and your perception that she isn’t seeing you as much because of shifted priorities.
You can very gently let her know that you would prefer openness and honesty in future rather than protection. I think from her message she already understands that though.
As for a shift in her priorities- she’s now in a relationship so needs to divert some of her time to that. It’s normal to have reduced time with friends when you’re establishing a new partner in your life. Cut her some slack!
She’s your friend. Be supportive. Be kind.

She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d react like this. Sounds like you’re about 22/23 so still quiet young. Honestly just let it go. She didn’t want to upset you or have you ‘confront’ her just for having a relationship with someone.