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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS looking after DDs on dads weekend

108 replies

LimeUser · 06/09/2024 16:56

My XH and I split just over a year ago and we have x3 DDs (11, 8, 8). He has them every other weekend at his house. Him and his gfrnd are away next Friday night and he’s asked DSS (20) to collect the girls from school and have them overnight until they get back late Saturday night. I’ve also found out that XH gfrnds DS (18) who I’ve never met will also be there. AIBU about not being comfortable with this? I’m away next weekend so I can’t have them but I just worry so much when they are away. I trust DSS and have known him since he was 3, he’s a great kid but he has no experience of childcare or young children. Would he know what to do in an emergency etc. I don’t have a great relationship with XH and we have no parenting plan. He says I’m being controlling and I guess I am but the girls have never been left before other than a parent or grandparent overnight. Am I overthinking this??

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 07/09/2024 09:28

He’s not their step brother - he’s their half brother!

AnnaCBi · 07/09/2024 09:29

Bellyblueboy · 07/09/2024 09:22

The social services comment was in response to others who suggested this was poor parenting and others would see it. I do t think there is anything wrong with 24 hrs care from an adult who is their older sibling.

I do think twenty year old adults can be responsible enough to care for primary school age kids.

it depends on the adult.

twenty year olds are working in nursery and school settings.

i was looking after younger cousins in my teens.

a twenty year old should be able to cook dinner (or order take out) play with the kids in the back garden, put on a suitable movie and ask them to brush their teeth. He should be able to get up before them and pour cereal in three bowls. Chat to them about what they want to do and take them to a park or the beach or on a bus to Claire’s accessories or build a bear.

he should be able to notice if they are hungry or sick or upset.

a twenty year old man could be a parent to a child himself - suggesting he is not capable of cari g for his sisters for 24 hours is really odd - unless there is some history with this man we don’t know about.

I suspect if this was their twenty year old big sister no one would bat an eyelid.

Plenty young children are left with 18 year old au pairs who have just arrived in the country. I’m not saying it’s perfect parenting choices, but it’s not frowned upon at all.

this is their step brother… he’s known them since they were born! (Since OP has
known him for 17 years…) I can’t really see an issue at all, so long as he is responsible, which OP says he is.

Bellyblueboy · 07/09/2024 09:35

Again he is their half brother isn’t he? He is their dad’s son.

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/09/2024 09:38

I'm massively on the fence here.

And anyone suggesting social services needs to get a grip. The DDs will be with related adult males; social services will not have even the slightest concern about this.

If you're not happy OP and you're going to be worrying and you can get out of your weekend away then likely I would. No point going away if the worry is going to spoil your plans.

But have you spoken to the boys in question and also to your girls and checked that everyone is happy? It's a big ask for a young adult to babysit 3 youngish children and the DSS might be relieved if he doesn't have to although he may well be absolutely fine with it. Equally if your girls are well behaved and not likely to misbehave or kick off and are looking forward to the stay then I'd probably be ok with it personally. Communication is your key here.

WitcheryDivine · 07/09/2024 10:31

That’s really true but people who work in nurseries etc have chosen that work and are presumably interested in kids and have a rough idea what they need. None of what you list is beyond a 20 year old of course not but it’s about knowing what needs doing as much as anything.

GreenClockTower · 07/09/2024 10:33

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/09/2024 08:01

Would you consider having your step son look after your three girls at your house so they still get the babysitter arranged by exh but in more familiar surroundings, possibly with parents/ ex PIL on standby if anything happens. Leave the girlfriend to sort out what happens to her son.

I would be concerned about why the 8 year olds are so anxious about the weekend. As an adult I can obviously see why you are concerned but I think most 8 year olds would not think ahead that it would be an issue and would think it will be an adventure. Books aimed at that age are full of children going off and having adventures without their parents. I remember the excitement mine had of going away on Brownie/ cub camps. I imagine in reality during the weekend they might find the separation from both parents a bit too much and might not enjoy it, but not the lead up to the weekend. Unless they don't get on with the girlfriend's son...

Show quote history

This is the best solution actually! It takes the 18 year old son of dad's girlfriend whom OP hasn't met out of the equation.

I'm a parent of teen sons as well as an adult daughter and most of the boys' friends are lovely and polite, "good kids" but they seem to get into situations without thinking them through in a way the girls didn't in my experience (doubtless partly down to us socialising girls to be constantly on guard and thinking about consequences not doing this as much with boys unconsciously, but also just due to the whole biological aspect of puberty starting and ending later with boys and them being emotionally younger on average).

As a parent of a 17 year old boy it's occasionally terrifying and frustrating that they seem to drift into situations, and this is why I keep coming back to the fact that even if the 18 year old is a nice lad, the odds on friends drifting in and hanging out in the parent free house are high if his friendship group are still in education and living with parents, and that tends to mean drinking and generally letting your guard down and not an ideal environment for younger children without a parent in the house.

The boy who just lives at his mum and mum's boyfriend's hasn't been tasked with babysitting his mum's boyfriend's daughters and it's likely that they aren't at the forefront of his weekend plans when he chats to his mates and mentions his mum is going away with her boyfriend ...

Original poster
LimeUser · 07/09/2024 19:05

Just wanted to update you all - I had a really good chat with XH and explained about the twins being a little upset. We’ve agreed I will pick them up from school on Friday and have them overnight for him. They will then spend a few hours over lunchtime with their brother doing fun things and XH is going to come home earlier on Saturday afternoon. So a bit of a compromise all round.
Just want to thank everyone for all the advice it’s been so helpful. This parenting lark ain’t easy and it feels like I’m in a silo sometimes so it’s been great to get some wider thoughts and opinions.

OP posts:
GreenClockTower · 07/09/2024 19:13

LimeUser · 07/09/2024 19:05

Just wanted to update you all - I had a really good chat with XH and explained about the twins being a little upset. We’ve agreed I will pick them up from school on Friday and have them overnight for him. They will then spend a few hours over lunchtime with their brother doing fun things and XH is going to come home earlier on Saturday afternoon. So a bit of a compromise all round.
Just want to thank everyone for all the advice it’s been so helpful. This parenting lark ain’t easy and it feels like I’m in a silo sometimes so it’s been great to get some wider thoughts and opinions.

Edited

That's a fantastic resolution!

Fingers crossed it's also a step towards him genuinely co-parenting with the interests of the children front and centre!

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