DSS looking after DDs on dads weekend

[LimeUser]

My XH and I split just over a year ago and we have x3 DDs (11, 8, 8). He has them every other weekend at his house. Him and his gfrnd are away next Friday night and he’s asked DSS (20) to collect the girls from school and have them overnight until they get back late Saturday night. I’ve also found out that XH gfrnds DS (18) who I’ve never met will also be there. AIBU about not being comfortable with this? I’m away next weekend so I can’t have them but I just worry so much when they are away. I trust DSS and have known him since he was 3, he’s a great kid but he has no experience of childcare or young children. Would he know what to do in an emergency etc. I don’t have a great relationship with XH and we have no parenting plan. He says I’m being controlling and I guess I am but the girls have never been left before other than a parent or grandparent overnight. Am I overthinking this??

Yeah or don't swap and just look after them if he cant

Unfortunately not. She was introduced to my kids before I knew about her or the affair, she’s said she doesn’t want to meet me or talk to me. I don’t have her number either.

I trust my DSS and wouldn’t think there would be an issue like this. He doesn’t see them regularly thou as lives in another city with his mum an hour away. I do think he’s not used to children though so wouldn’t necessarily know what to do if someone was sick, injured or even had a nose bleed! Probably panic and call me in fairness

An adult sibling they have known all their life and his adult girlfriend who they've holidayed with.

Yes absolutely fine, couldn't actually think of a better babysitter. It's 24hrs and you don't have little kids- you have big kids and a pre teen. They don't exactly need their bums wiped or nap routine keeping.

He's 20, I'm sure he's been around plenty of vomit. At 11 and 8 a nosebleed doesn't even require assistance- my 4yo deals with his pretty independently although I obviously like to be with him.

I think you need to relax.

@LimeUser

But they're not babies, really what is the liklihood of there being an issue? They're watching tv/playing games, eating McD & too much sugar.

He'll call you, his mum or 111. Your 11 year old could probably manage that to be fair.

youre not used to leaving your girls with a sitter. It's natural to feel a bit anxious. But it'll be fine🤗

Right well that's then. Your twins so t be going to see their extended family.

Wonder if you'll be back here in a few years when your kids are incapable of doing anything without you

Could you organise a sleepover so your girls stay with their friends' houses? Twins at one house and 11yo at another. Then your DSS doesn't have to look after three by himself, and your DDs are cared for.

That's a massive overreaction RosiePosie ! Are you under the impression that 8 year olds who's parents are still together and live in one household are also well on the way to being incapable of doing anything without their mothers?

The part where they’ve burst into tears at the idea of it and said daddy told us not to tell you we didn’t want to go is a problem though. It’s not like they’d get contact with their dad so I’d keep them at mine. Not sure re the eldest- if she wanted to go I’d probably let her?

And as for him saying you’ve turned them against me, I’d tell him that’s a load of bollocks. You’re telling my children to lie to me about how they feel so I don’t know. The twins felt so awful about this weekend that they just burst into tears and let it out. Do you not even care about how they feel?! They are staying here this weekend.

Sorry I didn't mean to quote this and can't edit it out!

The ones who burst into tears are two eight year olds who were feeling responsible for adult emotions (their dad said it would ruin her weekend to admit to her how they feel - how did him even saying that to eight year olds come about? They should not be pressured into taking responsibility for their mum's feelings nor especially into keeping their feelings secret).

I don't think the OP has mentioned an adult girlfriend being involved in babysitting or indeed present over the weekend, that's a misreading that has been repeated.

There will be the half brother who doesn't live with his dad and sees his half sisters only when he visits his dad on the same day as they do, which OP said was once a month, and there will be the dad's girlfriend's son who is 18 and the OP has never met - he is the one who lives in the house.

My personal concern before hearing the younger two don't want to go was that the 18 year old will end up with friends over - possibly even without having planned a "gathering" or house party. He's got a parent free house for the weekend and only his mum's boyfriend's kids about.

Over the summer my 17 year old son has been going to lots of "gathering" type "not a party" meet ups at whichever friend's parents are away (I usually pick him up if staying over isn't an option because we're rural and several miles from the nearest public transport stop, and as his school catchment was massive some of his friends live 20 miles away on the opposite side). Driving home, having had a few beers, he tells me funny anecdotes and an upset small sibling the friends didn't realise the host had/ was home turning up in the midst of the late night teen revels in his pyjamas has featured once. Nothing bad happened but it's not ideal...

The 20 year old who has no experience babysitting being chucked in at the deep end babysitting three children he's never lived with despite the half brother relationship is already not ideal. Two eight year olds who want to be elsewhere plus an eleven year old who's at the age where it's normal to be a bit stroppy OVERNIGHT when he has never looked after them or any child before is a lot. My eldest used to babysit and sometimes the preteen siblings of the children she was primarily babysitting were more challenging than the small children behaviour wise, trying all sorts and claiming their parents allowed it - fortunately she has younger brothers and was wise to it...

It's really quite disingenuous to claim that eight and eleven year olds are practically capable of being left alone and no trouble for someone with no experience of looking after children, who hasn't lived with them as a sibling either despite blood relationship, to be in sole charge of for 24 hours.

Would you consider having your step son look after your three girls at your house so they still get the babysitter arranged by exh but in more familiar surroundings, possibly with parents/ ex PIL on standby if anything happens. Leave the girlfriend to sort out what happens to her son.

I would be concerned about why the 8 year olds are so anxious about the weekend. As an adult I can obviously see why you are concerned but I think most 8 year olds would not think ahead that it would be an issue and would think it will be an adventure. Books aimed at that age are full of children going off and having adventures without their parents. I remember the excitement mine had of going away on Brownie/ cub camps. I imagine in reality during the weekend they might find the separation from both parents a bit too much and might not enjoy it, but not the lead up to the weekend. Unless they don't get on with the girlfriend's son...

I don't think you need experience of childcare and young children to take care of dc that age. And presumably he does actually have some as he's likely to have been around them since they were born and now knows them very well? Seeing you know and trust him can you keep in touch while you are away. The other boy would be more of a concern as unknown but if you trust dss not to do something silly like have a party or get drunk with the boy then it's probably ok

He’s their big brother. It’s a lot to babysit three kids - but they aren’t babies or toddler so hopefully he I’ll be okay.

Does your oldest have a phone? She can call you with updates or concerns.

the boys will probably let them eat too much junk food and watch movies that maybe aren’t quite age appropriate.

Sounds like a parenting plan would be a good idea - your exh doesn't like the sound of it because someone other than you would see his lack of parenting. Such a shame he doesn't want to spend time with his children and is offloading them onto others during 'his' time with them.
Well done for putting your foot down about swapping contact times etc but sounds like it hasn't really made a difference to his parenting.
Possibly just communication with your DSS and let him know he can contact you at any time next weekend.
You may have to rethink the contact arrangement if your ex continues to prioritise himself over his children!

@Mumofoneandone I do think being looked after by an adult sibling is quite normal
in most families. At 20 their big brother is more than capable of babysitting. The girls will probably have the best weekend of their lives and I would be surprised if any court or social worker would be alarmed unless there have been previous concerns raised about the older boys.

I’m worried about the posters here who think 11 and 8 year olds look after themselves. I babysit kids this age quite often and they still need feeding, disputes sorting, reminding to take their inhalers etc, sometimes advice on what is and isn’t safe (eg running across big roads in the case of 8 year old), and telling when to go to bed and ideally checking they’re ok once in bed. If I were that 20 year old with no babysitting experience I’d be worried tbh. Sounds like your ex doesn’t give a fuck about any of his kids in this situation.

Would be very different if it was a sibling who lived with them or had babysat perhaps for an evening before. But I also agree highly likely at least one of the boys will have friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend round, not be giving the girls much attention at all.

“Social services wouldn’t take action” is a pretty low bar for whether a care arrangement is good for the kids involved. If I were OP I’d stop all this and cancel my plans and keep the girls home.

If your ss lives with you then surely he’s used to the girls and they know him?

The social services comment was in response to others who suggested this was poor parenting and others would see it. I do t think there is anything wrong with 24 hrs care from an adult who is their older sibling.

I do think twenty year old adults can be responsible enough to care for primary school age kids.

it depends on the adult.

twenty year olds are working in nursery and school settings.

i was looking after younger cousins in my teens.

a twenty year old should be able to cook dinner (or order take out) play with the kids in the back garden, put on a suitable movie and ask them to brush their teeth. He should be able to get up before them and pour cereal in three bowls. Chat to them about what they want to do and take them to a park or the beach or on a bus to Claire’s accessories or build a bear.

he should be able to notice if they are hungry or sick or upset.

a twenty year old man could be a parent to a child himself - suggesting he is not capable of cari g for his sisters for 24 hours is really odd - unless there is some history with this man we don’t know about.

I suspect if this was their twenty year old big sister no one would bat an eyelid.

In fact he is their brother

Oh come on. Random men! It’s their step brother who has always been in their life! The gf’s son… he’s a random to you but not to their dad or step brother. The girls also know him presumably. The step brother will be in charge.