DSS looking after DDs on dads weekend

[LimeUser]

My XH and I split just over a year ago and we have x3 DDs (11, 8, 8). He has them every other weekend at his house. Him and his gfrnd are away next Friday night and he’s asked DSS (20) to collect the girls from school and have them overnight until they get back late Saturday night. I’ve also found out that XH gfrnds DS (18) who I’ve never met will also be there. AIBU about not being comfortable with this? I’m away next weekend so I can’t have them but I just worry so much when they are away. I trust DSS and have known him since he was 3, he’s a great kid but he has no experience of childcare or young children. Would he know what to do in an emergency etc. I don’t have a great relationship with XH and we have no parenting plan. He says I’m being controlling and I guess I am but the girls have never been left before other than a parent or grandparent overnight. Am I overthinking this??

No, there will be two males there.

One is the DSS, and the other male is the girlfriend's son, whom the OP does not know.

** "random men" - you mean the girls HALF BROTHER !
Hardly random.

it is not a half brother… that would mean the children shared a parent, they don’t. It’s a step brother.

Yes, but the poster said "men" not "man". Their brother is not a random man.

Are you saying that you have never had anyone babysit for you?

The default in the visitation agreement should be that if one parent can't be there, then the other gets asked to step in.

There should not be babysitting by other parties unknown to a parent if a parent is available.

@mathanxiety I would love to be able to do this - unfortunately when we first split my XH would constantly ask me to cover his weekends and swap loads of stuff. I don’t have much of a social life but tried to book a few things in when they weren’t with me. I had to put my foot down in the end as it was becoming a joke that he wouldn’t have them hardly ever. If I suggested this again I think he would end up taking the piss again!
I’ve suggested a parenting plan to help us both navigate this but he has screamed at me that I’m being controlling and trying to turn the kids against him.

Could you swap weekends and you have them, OP? I know you might be working or have plans, but if not, then could they be with you?

Their dad has made arrangements with someone he feels is safe to look after them. But you can always offer to have them yourself if it’s worrying you.

There will be 2 males there. One is the son of the dad's girlfriend, the other is the oldest son of the dad. So yes, the kids' half brother. All 4 children share a dad, then there is a separate person who is no relation.

They do share a parent, OPs ExH is parent to her children and her DSS. They are biologically related, and presumably have grown up together.

There are two young men here.
One is the DSS, and one is the son of the girlfriend.
This particular young man isn't a step brother or a half brother to the children. He's actually not related to anyone except the girlfriend.

The DSS may or may not be a half brother of the OP's children.

Ok to add to the complexity - I’ve just gently asked my DDs if they are excited about next weekend and seeing their big brother. I’ve also said I’m around and they can call if any issues. My twins have just burst into tears and said they want to stay with me but didn’t want to tell me because their dad said it would ruin my weekend! I have plans but would cancel them of course. My eldest is determined she wants to go - arghhhh!!

If they don't want to go I wouldn't force them to. In the case of your eldest can you convince her stay home with her sisters? (Like it'll be boring without anyone her own age)? I'd say they all go or none of them go.

OP’s children and their older brother share the same father. When Op was with her ex, his son was OP’s stepson. They have 3 children together so that means they are his 20 year old son’s half siblings. They aren’t stepsiblings because they share a parent.

Their father’s girlfriend’s son is their stepbrother. And I use the term stepbrother VERY loosely.

Get a solicitor and go to court.

Get the agreement hammered out.

How many more weekends away will there be with the girlfriend, and how many more times will the DSS or even the girlfriend's son on his own be expected to cover? And how many other friends do these lads have, who might pop in for a visit on a weekend when the mother and ex are out of town?

It sounds as if this man really doesn't want to take responsibility for the children.

The girls in this situation are quite vulnerable to abuse. Predators can sense when children have an uninterested parent.

He's not their step brother. They are not married.

I agree. I think the rest is potentially ok, but not the friend.

@KendraTheVampyrSlayer now to deal with XH on this - he’ll say I’ve poisoned them against him 🙄. Would love him to see them more (and to have more of a break!) but he just has so many people looking after them or leaves them on their own in the house so he can go running. Grrr!

But for clarity on this thread.

I would have some reservations about the young man I’d never met, and definitely have a refresher conversation with DDs about safeguarding (age appropriate, obviously).

Hence why I said I use the term very loosely

I think it actually fudges the question, because it implies a closer or longer or more established relationship than might be the case.

For all we know, the ex and the gf here might have known each other for two weeks.

I wouldn’t be overly happy about this arrangement unless I had spoken to DSS and agreed appropriate boundaries. He might be a great guy but he’s young and not the girls’ father - what’s to stop him inviting a bunch of lads round on the Friday night for a few beers. I wouldn’t want my young daughters in a home with drunk men they don’t know. I’m not sure it’s fair to expect DSS to devote himself entirely to his step sisters when most likely the arrangement has been dumped on him. It seems to me that this contact time is arranged so the girls can spend time with their dad - if he’s not going to be there for the first 30 hours or so of the weekend then what is being achieved by them being in his home? I do think it very much depends on DSS’s personality though and if you think he is mature enough to understand the responsibility he is taking on.

All I was getting at was that they have a half brother because they share the same father.

But a person in the girlfriend’s son’s shoes is the one who would be their stepbrother in time. And again, I wasn’t actually saying that that’s what he is at this point now. I was just explaining the difference between half and step because some people don’t seem to understand the difference.

I agree he isn’t their stepbrother. I should have said potential stepbrother. OP only split with her husband a year ago. So they don’t have a stepmum, either. Dad’s girlfriend isn’t their stepmum.

I’m not disagreeing with you. He’s not their stepbrother. But out of the two, he’s the one that would be.

If you are NOT comfortable! Cancel your outing and stay with your kids!

I agree with this