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Original poster

Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

85 replies

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 08:53

I recently stayed with my long distance partner for a week at his home. We are 3 hours apart on the UK. We usually take turns, as he can often attend meetings online. He teaches at a university and his term doesn't properly start until November.

Admittedly, I have more flexibility overall to work remotely.

He also will come to me for a weekend or previously has fit his visits in a way where he then leaves for meetings.

Talking about when we'd next see each other I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'. But it's an entire month and this was the end of the explanation?

The idea then was we'd meet in the middle at a city for a weekend but now it looks far too expensive, i'd expect him to make an effort

OP posts:
Lipsha · 06/09/2024 10:55

3 hours is no time at all really, if he wanted to make the effort he could, its unlikely that he has meetings for the entirety of September, so he’s just not prioritising coming to see you.

redwinechocolateandsnacks · 06/09/2024 10:56

So no children from the 10 year relationship (thinking that would be a factor). A 10yr relationship when you are early 30's is quite a big chunk of your life. I am thinking he is getting cold feet. I would move on..to be honest couldn't be doing with all the meetings and cheap train ticket stuff. If he wanted to see you it would be a priority and he would make it work.

DeCaray · 06/09/2024 11:00

I think he likes the idea of it all, the romance and anticipation but when you came down and stayed with him last he didn't like the reality of being together.

I don't think the relationship is going anywhere.

Andthereitis · 06/09/2024 11:17

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:42

@summitesay a bit hard to count 6 months but we have always taken turns until now. I visit, he visits, etc

But it's supposed to be twice a month

Are you happy?
Can you can the regularity to make you happy?

It sounds like more work than I'd want.
It's nice to have someone who wants to see you and prepared to make it happen.

Is he married?

caringcarer · 06/09/2024 11:17

SauvignonBlonk · 06/09/2024 08:55

I haven’t got time for this sort of nonsense.
If he wanted to see you he’d make the effort.

Exactly.

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:20

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 10:15

I understand @Squirrelsonthescaffolding

So I'll approach it not in an argumentative way but to find out more about the time constraints. That said, he knew we'd agreed to visit each other so I think he also needs to say more than just 'meetings'

@Rory17384949 he probably hasn't asked because he thinks it would be taking the piss to ask me again when it's his turn. He needs to communicate better as well though.

He cannot relocate to me because of his job and I work mostly remote. The difference is he essentially works and sees friends occasionally whereas I have a very active social life here. I'd need to give that up. Which I may have to.

The difference is he essentially works and sees friends occasionally whereas I have a very active social life here. I'd need to give that up. Which I may have to.

Noooooooo!!! Please DO NOT give up your friends and social life for someone who can't even be arsed to make an effort to come and see you ONCE in a whole month!!!

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/09/2024 10:39

I’ve had several jobs with a 90 minute plus each way daily commute, so thinking of three hours as a very long distance seems a bit odd. You mentioned spending the week together: is he possibly feeling pressure / assuming that’s now the expectation for a visit? One or two nights would be easier to schedule.

”Supposed to be” twice a month does sound quite rigid though. Most people will have some quieter months and some months where they have commitments, a lot of things planned with friends or family etc. Feeling obliged to shoehorn set fortnightly visits from a girl or boyfriend in whether it’s convenient or not would bother me, personally. But I’d also never do a relationship involving distance for that reason. Perhaps you just have to agree that it’s not going to work out and both look closer to home.

Edited

Agree with most of what you've said @ComtesseDeSpair but

Feeling obliged to shoehorn set fortnightly visits from a girl or boyfriend in whether it’s convenient or not would bother me, personally.

Surely if you've been dating for a year then you shouldn't be feeling "obliged" to see someone!!! I still get excited to see DP now and we live together! When we were in the early days we would both drive for 1-2 hours at the end of long work days because we were that keen to see each other. Often he'd arrive at gone 8pm and then leave by 6-7am for work the next day!

Doesn't really bode well for further down the line if he cant' be arsed making a 3 hour trip now because he's "busy"... For a full month.... 🤔

Suusue · 06/09/2024 11:28

If he really was mad about you he would see you no matter what. Maybe he is too comfortable with you now?

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:31

He's just told me he's working all of this weekend.

I dont know @DeCaray - would be have said 'it feels like you just got here and the place is going to feel empty without you' as I was leaving if he felt that way?

I agree with all who have said it isn't showing enthusiasm though

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:32

Suusue · 06/09/2024 11:28

If he really was mad about you he would see you no matter what. Maybe he is too comfortable with you now?

Probably. Maybe the honeymoon period is over and he's just comfy now.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 06/09/2024 11:33

Of course, he could pop over and see you if he WANTED to

As you say, previously, he's popped over for one night

So, however , he is he CAN make time

He's choosing NOT to make time in September for some reason

Could you go to him and he pay half your travel costs?

What would he say to that? Does he want children?

If I were you, I'd keep an eye on this until the end of the year and bin him off in January if it doesn't improve

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:33

Suusue · 06/09/2024 11:28

If he really was mad about you he would see you no matter what. Maybe he is too comfortable with you now?

That's sad if true. It's been a year and they've only seen each other the odd weekend 😐

Floraant · 06/09/2024 11:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BeyondSmoake · 06/09/2024 11:39

If he can fit in time to meet you in the middle, then surely it's not a "no time" issue - it's that he doesn't want to come to yours in that time?

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

@BeyondSmoake he prefers his place to mine because it's quieter.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent.

He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely. But it hasn't been an issue before now and he hasn't raised it as one.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

He did say if we moved in together he wouldn't want to live here

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:47

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

@BeyondSmoake he prefers his place to mine because it's quieter.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent.

He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely. But it hasn't been an issue before now and he hasn't raised it as one.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent. He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely.

Sorry but WTF 😂His reason for not coming to yours is because you live beside a busy road?!?! Any bloke (or woman!) that I know who has been crazy about someone wouldn't give a flying fig if they lived on the hard shoulder of the M6 if they really wanted to see them!

Just get rid OP. Come on, surely you want someone who will make the effort and actually wants to be with you?!

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:50

@Starlight1979 he hasn't given this as a reason for not visiting at all.

I'm just guessing. I dont think it's a real factor and if it is, he hasn't said so.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:57

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:50

@Starlight1979 he hasn't given this as a reason for not visiting at all.

I'm just guessing. I dont think it's a real factor and if it is, he hasn't said so.

Edited

You've said it yourself @JennaRink but if he can't make an effort to come and see you for a whole month when it's not even term time yet then, to be blunt, you're going to be fucked come November.

You need to have an honest and upfront conversation with him.

Sorry but he's making excuses to not come to you - for whatever reason - and I wouldn't be putting up with it.

BakedBeeeen · 06/09/2024 11:57

He needs to keep you interested so so he says little comments about missing you, and also mentions moving in together in a vague way (I believe this is called “future faking”. Please don’t waste the best years of your life with him!

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:59

@Starlight1979 I agree it seems like an excuse.

He did say he would come here before Christmas so that we can have our own putting up the tree/time together so he's not consistent.

I expect consistent effort, not lukewarm effort.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 12:04

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:59

@Starlight1979 I agree it seems like an excuse.

He did say he would come here before Christmas so that we can have our own putting up the tree/time together so he's not consistent.

I expect consistent effort, not lukewarm effort.

Christmas?!?! Why is he on about Christmas when he can't even commit to seeing you in September?

Yeah fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Someone else said it already but it's like he's happy being a couple when you go to him but he can't be arsed making any effort on his part. That's not someone who really wants to be with you OP.

Sparklefroggle · 06/09/2024 14:21

I don’t think I could get annoyed about this. You already have plans together for 2 trips next month and we are already a week in to September. If there is no reason to think he is lying, maybe he really can’t fit in the journey to you this month.

You’ve mentioned having an active social life, you could use this time to have fun with your friends? Or, if you really feel the need to see him, you could offer to travel up and stay.

Biggaybear · 06/09/2024 16:07

Hi @JennaRink . You mentioned railcards earlier.......do either of you drive becuase I wouldn't want to do a 3 hour drive at the end of a busy week. But then I'm late 50's.

GladAllOver · 06/09/2024 16:39

You're not really partners are you? You're just friends with occasional benefits when you can both be bothered.

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