Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

[JennaRink]

I recently stayed with my long distance partner for a week at his home. We are 3 hours apart on the UK. We usually take turns, as he can often attend meetings online. He teaches at a university and his term doesn't properly start until November.

Admittedly, I have more flexibility overall to work remotely.

He also will come to me for a weekend or previously has fit his visits in a way where he then leaves for meetings.

Talking about when we'd next see each other I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'. But it's an entire month and this was the end of the explanation?

The idea then was we'd meet in the middle at a city for a weekend but now it looks far too expensive, i'd expect him to make an effort

This allows follows a conversation last month where we both expressed wanting to see more of each other. He said he wanted to see me more then.

When I visit he treats me like a queen, but I'm not willing to take on all the expense or effort

I haven’t got time for this sort of nonsense.
If he wanted to see you he’d make the effort.

3 hours is nothing. Does he work weekends?

Ask him for more of an explanation! It's only the end of the conversation if you didn't continue it. You need to be able to talk about these things properly in a healthy relationship, I think.

How long has the relationship been going on?

He clearly doesn't see you the same as you see him. You are way overinvested in this casual dating relationship. You think of him as your partner he thinks of you as his casual date.

He has meetings 7 days a week???
Can he not come for the weekend?
Sorry, it sounds like you are not his priority.
3 hours is perfectly doable for a weekend

@Azerothi well not as far as I know!

He describes me as his partner and behaves serious when we're together. He even made the effort for one night last month!

It's not on really.

He works at a university. If he has anything to do with Freshers or admissions, this is the busiest time of year. There will likely be evening & weekend stuff too.

Have you asked him why? What his workload is this month. Does he need to see elderly relatives or siblings. I assume he has something else in his life. Find out what the pressure is this month.

@Meadowfinch the thing is i'd hoped he'd make the effort to visit more knowing full well it will be much harder once term starts properly.

I think just saying 'meetings' when we'd agreed to make the effort was a bit crap.

I'll.need to find out why. He has been free on the weekends so far

@tuna82 nope

Three hours isn't much at all. Now DH and I spent a year living 10 hours apart (north of Scotland to south of England) and we saw each other at least once a month and more often whenever we could so it was usually every fortnight. Three hours you could come for just one night 🤷‍♀️ so just once a month sounds kind of rubbish to start with.

@doodleschnoodle last month he came for a weekend and then just one night at another time

I want to see each other minimum twice a month

Next month we have x2 weekends trips booked which helps but I do expect us to take turns with travel otherwise

Term starting in November is very late. September is still part of conference and meeting season and my DH has sometimes been away for several weekends in September.

Yes@Summertimer the term doesn't start in November but his teaching does. He is an assistant prof.

Yeah I agree, 3 hrs is nothing. At one point my ex was in Germany for work. I'd fly out Thursday evening, back early Monday morning and straight into work, usually 3 weekends out of 4.

With LDR's, when someone stops wanting to make the effort, then the relationship is on it's way out.

How old are you both ? How long have you been together ? How did you meet ?

We're early 30s, together a year and met online (although do have a mutual friend)

The good part is we have two weekend trips booked next month. Also that he went out of his way cooking and planning nice days out while I was there.

The bad is we agreed we wanted to see more of each other and him making a vague comment about meetings when it's his turn to visit.

Yesterday he said he was buying a family rail card we can share to reduce train costs

Which is great, as long as I'm not the only one using it!

How long have you been together? Honestly, if a guy really likes you, they make it happen. Busy or no busy. When he says he has meetings, what, at the weekend? Is he working every single day?
I just couldn't be bothered with this.

Hold on. So he can't visit you during the week next month because of meetings/a slightly heavier workload that week, but you have 2 weekends away in that time so will see each other every other week?
I think I must have misunderstood because I can't see the problem.
Me and (now) DH used to live 3 hours apart. We saw each other every other weekend. Not during the week. And those weekends were flexible as we might want to do something with friends or family.
LD means not seeing each other as much especially if you don't drive!

@Whenthechipshitthefan the issue he is saying he can't visit me THIS month - September

October isn't an issue

Find someone closer to home who is available more. Or put up with it. Doesn't seem like he is bothered or wants to see you more.

Btw......not seeing someone one month is no real biggie imo. But if it matters to you then do something about it.

As far as I’m aware the family/two together railcards only work if you are physically travelling together for the duration of a journey, it can’t be shared for solo travel.

Ultimately, all long distance relationships will reach a crunch point of one person wanting development/more, and needing to have a conversation regarding the future. Have you discussed what the future looks like? Is it going to remain a long distance relationship?

So in the past 6 months how many visits have you done and how many has he done?