Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

[JennaRink]

I recently stayed with my long distance partner for a week at his home. We are 3 hours apart on the UK. We usually take turns, as he can often attend meetings online. He teaches at a university and his term doesn't properly start until November.

Admittedly, I have more flexibility overall to work remotely.

He also will come to me for a weekend or previously has fit his visits in a way where he then leaves for meetings.

Talking about when we'd next see each other I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'. But it's an entire month and this was the end of the explanation?

The idea then was we'd meet in the middle at a city for a weekend but now it looks far too expensive, i'd expect him to make an effort

@summitesay a bit hard to count 6 months but we have always taken turns until now. I visit, he visits, etc

But it's supposed to be twice a month

He has already said at the start of September that he can't fit in seeing you until October? And he lives 3 hours away?! And you've only been dating a year?!

So many alarm bells here.

Me and DP would do over 100 miles every single weekend (and sometimes on week nights!) in the early days as we both had our own houses and responsibilities. Yes it was a pain in the arse but we were desperate to see each other! He was once in work all day, with his mum in hospital all evening and then drove 60 miles to mine at midnight, only to have to get up at 6am to leave for work. When you want to be with someone, you just do it.

@BleachedJumper we've broached this but not discussed fully.

He said he'd be up for living together but in a new place and that we don't need to rush. True but I am early 30s.

I just stayed with him for a week and he said the place feels quite empty without me there. We got used to having all our meals together etc so I felt the same.

I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'.

He has meetings every single day and night between now and October?

@Starlight1979 well this month we agreed to meet at a city in between both but now we've looked it is far too expensive

I think 3 hours is nothing and hes taking the piss. I'm going to ask him to look at when he can visit and if he comes up with excuses I won't be impressed.

So if it's been fairly equal to now

I'd do a visit mid September. See him the twice in October and see what he's offering in November

If he's expecting you to visit twice a month and he do zero it would be a no thanks from me

Alarm bells would ring in my head. Is there someone else he has met in the last couple of weeks or so?

@summitesay do you mean me visit him mid September?

@LlynTegid I doubt it. I just left him a few days ago after being at his for a week.

Also came to say the rail card will only work if you travel together.

Academia can be brutal , I was an academic for years and DH still is. It’s seriously underfunded and expectations keep rising. I’ve taught in schools and worked in other sectors. Academic workload was the highest, no official hours and elastic job description. So I understand and accept the demands on DH’s time.

So you might not want that level of commitment from your partner to his work but I wouldn’t necessarily disbelieve him during conference season and the start of the academic year. He sounds committed from what you say but sometimes there can be periods when one person has to make the travel effort and someone else might be msking a different kind of effort. The problem with academia is that most people think you have a dossy job and don’t understand the workload and demands in the way they might if someone was a doctor.

The thing is, 3h isn't that far so if he wanted to see you he would.
But if you see a future in this and he has been making the effort up until now it would be worth considering giving him the benefit of the doubt and travel to see him this month and then see how it goes.
He might not be teaching yet but surely September is a busy month for an assistant prof?
I think it's a little concerning that he hasn't been able to have a proper conversation about it - like "actually do you mind coming to me again this month because it's going to be a hectic month in work".
Depending how long you've been together you should be able to have a conversation about how each of you sees this progressing, like would you relocate to him, would he?

When I first met DH he was in the Army, based 3 hours from home. He used to drive to see my every weekend, even before we were sleeping together.

I can understand him not being able to come for a longer period, duribg the week, but three hours is nothing for a weekend.

This man isn't bothered.

I understand @Squirrelsonthescaffolding

So I'll approach it not in an argumentative way but to find out more about the time constraints. That said, he knew we'd agreed to visit each other so I think he also needs to say more than just 'meetings'

@Rory17384949 he probably hasn't asked because he thinks it would be taking the piss to ask me again when it's his turn. He needs to communicate better as well though.

He cannot relocate to me because of his job and I work mostly remote. The difference is he essentially works and sees friends occasionally whereas I have a very active social life here. I'd need to give that up. Which I may have to.

This. A man who really wants to do something will always,always find time. A man who is vaguely interested will find time for things that are delivered directly to him with minimal effort on his part. If he won't do 50/50 he's not interested enough

True. He seems serious enough when I'm there but I am delivering myself, so to speak!

Sorry yes so you do one (as you would have if it was two visit)

Re someone saying he can come at the weekends, I worked almost every weekend as an academic. I remember a discussion with a colleague with older children who said you start again about 9 or 9.30 once they’re in bed. Everyone academic I knew who was teaching and research active and doing their admin responsibilities was like this.

When you go to his place do you go out, have you met friends of his?

I'd leave it for now, op, don't contact him but wait and see if he pops up with anything positive.

Long distance relationships can work and be extremely fulfilling but the couple have to be very open with each other.

Good luck whatever happens.

I’ve had several jobs with a 90 minute plus each way daily commute, so thinking of three hours as a very long distance seems a bit odd. You mentioned spending the week together: is he possibly feeling pressure / assuming that’s now the expectation for a visit? One or two nights would be easier to schedule.

”Supposed to be” twice a month does sound quite rigid though. Most people will have some quieter months and some months where they have commitments, a lot of things planned with friends or family etc. Feeling obliged to shoehorn set fortnightly visits from a girl or boyfriend in whether it’s convenient or not would bother me, personally. But I’d also never do a relationship involving distance for that reason. Perhaps you just have to agree that it’s not going to work out and both look closer to home.

Family railcard can be used by either of you without the other being here, but, as it’s a family railcard you have to have at least one child with you.

@ComtesseDeSpair it's possible. He spent a week with me last month so maybe he thinks that's my expectation.

A weekend during a busy period would be ok.

Do you know anything about his previous relationships? Anything long term? Or is there little history - maybe a lack of commitment to relationships?

@redwinechocolateandsnacks he was married for five years, 10 year relationship.

My first boyfriend and I were about 3 hours away when we went to university. We managed to alternate weekends (so we saw eachother every weekend) for 2 years, even on student finances and with student pressures.

Until he suddenly found he couldn't - for various reasons. But really because he didn't love me any more.