For asking DH not to comment on DDs body

[PennyNotWise]

DH mentioned that 13yo DD is “getting more junk in her trunk” in front of her.
It went over her head so I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time, just gave him a look! But later said can you please not do that, how would you feel if someone said your arse was getting big? And it’s not anyway, she’s just growing up!
(fwiw DD is very skinny but healthy, not that it matters)

He acted all shocked and confused and like I’m being ott. To be fair I have raging PMT but I’m pretty sure I’m right that this is not nice. Just need some back up! Maybe he was acting out of defence/guilt with me.

Yeah this to be honest. It’s a phrase I’ve always seen as being complimentary but in a crude, objectifying way.

Definitely not a phrase I’d want to hear from my father at 13 but not because it’s particularly insulting but because it’s creepy.

Hopefully it was a clumsy comment from DH and he’ll realise now that he shouldn’t really be commenting on your teen DDs body.

It’s a revolting phrase and to say it about one’s daughter is horrific. No decent man would say that about any woman.

Can only assume the ones who voted yabu either didn't read your op properly, clicked the wrong option, or think yabu for not going absolutely nuclear on him.

When I was about 12 I was a bridesmaid for my auntie. The wedding planner or whatever they are called told me to make sure I smiled with my mouth shut as my teeth didn't look very nice (had a bit of an overbite) and she didn't want the pics ruining.

My mum and dad were really angry and on the day during the pics while she was there signalling me to keep my mouth closed he shouted, REALLY loudly, for me to ignore the old bag (sure he said old bag, or witch or something like that) and smile properly as i had a beautiful smile. That made me laugh and the photographer caught probably the last pic in existence of me smiling showing my teeth.

to this day even though my overbite is hardly noticeable now I never smile showing my teeth 😔 but I'll never forget my Dad, who could be a dick at other times, sticking up for me.

Men are more clued up than we give them credit for. Your amusingly exasperated comment of "men" and describing the comment as "clumsy and stupid" is the type of behaviour that upholds and infantalises men and excuses their actions.

Men should not be commenting on teenagers bodies. It isn't ok. No-one will ever know if his comment was coming from a place of real concern for her weight or a place based on sexual attraction. Given Mom has said she isn't overweight, my money is on the latter.

OP, the comment was enough to send you here for advice and you then apologised for thinking what you did.

Why?

If the post was enough to make you uncomfortable and need other opinions, imagine how your daughter felt. You said she didn't seem bothered but I'd say it's more likely she's already learning how to block out inappropriate comments from men.

Grown men shouldn't be commenting on the developing bodies of teenage girls. Don't make excuses for him

Yes this is what I was trying to say but less articulately than you!

He's not criticising her weight he's giving her a porn-y compliment, which is even worse tbh.

Throw him out.
He is looking at the body of a thirteen year old. His own daughter. And he can't even keep that to himself.
Her weight - if that's his excuse for looking - is not his business.

I thought this phrase was about blokes .....!

There have been articles in the news about the male Olympic swimmers and divers ( and on MN too , ) some of these men are bareley out of their teens .
Obviously none are your sons but it's not a phrase I'd use

This is not ok.

Would he comment on her breasts getting bigger - hopefully not.

It’s a sexualised comment that no one should hear at that age, especially not from an adult or parent.

He may have been trying to clumsily compliment her to make her feel good but even then that’s a stretch and me trying hard to play devils advocate.

Ugh no. YANBU in the slightest.

My dad teased me about going through puberty and even though it never felt sexual (he teased me about literally everything and it was disastrous for my confidence), I hated it. Comments by fathers on their daughters' bodies are just not appropriate.

That's grim thing to say about your daughter. If that's ok, then she should start laughing at/ mocking his hairline, his belly etc.
But none of that stuff is cool. Tell him it sounds fucking pervy!

If my DH said this about one of our DDs I would go absolutely nuclear. Disgusting.

So inappropriate. He needs to have a think about what it means to be the father to a teenage girl and how he can do a good job.

tell your daughter to tell him to fuck off/that he can talk with his fat arse/whatever else.
Good lesson for when creeps other than her own father say disgusting shit like that.

my father laughed at me, 16, wearing a red dress, because it made my breasts look like huge tomatoes. Never forgot that.

What a bizarre thing to say. Its actually disturbing to use that phrase (in general) about a child.

If she had a weight issue, you talk about that alone and privately as adults and come up with a plan for health that isn't appearance focused.

Absolutely didn't go over her head. I used to stew on the comments said about me and pretend I hadn't heard them because i was so humiliated.

Your friends commenting is another matter. It does not carry the same weight or undertone coming from women vs a man (especially her father)... but again, comments should never be made in front of her.

Its pretty normal for mothers to discuss changes, puberty, periods etc with friends, but I would be strongly making sure no one did it within earshot and I would be calling people out when your daughter is around so she knows you have her back and that its unacceptable

That's other women recognising the changes. Me and my DD discuss the need (or not) for my developing GD.
I'm surprised you didn't feel concerned about the sexual nature of the comment. It isn't fat shaming, more admiring a booty. Why did he think it was appropriate and is he her biological father?

That's truly revolting op. Why is he even noticing this in any case?? And so what? She's 13yo in puberty and hormones, he is shaming her. I would be so bloody angry. That's completely wrong not to mention inappropriate from her own father

Oh Jesus. No. Not OK. At ALL. He is vile

He absolutely should not say this or anything that sounds judgemental about her body. If he had a concern for her weight there are ways of approaching it discreetly.

I don't agree however with those who are presuming it's sexual, that's a giant leap. It's just a dumb phrase, an American phrase I would have thought, the context in which you interpret depends on the context in which you hear it. I also don't agree that he is inappropriate for 'looking at her body'. Parents aren't blind, it's their job to notice any physical issues that might need addressing. I look at my sons body and note the changes (but don't comment) it doesn't make me a pervert.

"Little boobs", that's just freaky

My dad used to make comments like this to my sister and I - I am still sensitive about my body at the age of 40 and my sister is consistently doing some fad diet. These comments have lasting effects.

It's a degrading way to speak about someone developing. Your friends need challenging too.

Many many children go onto develop years of questioning other people's perspective of what they look like.

I disagree that he did this as a joke or accident. This isnt 1970s, this is 2024. It's important to keep reiterating "that's creepy. Very very creepy." And keep repeating it.

He's capable of keeping his thoughts to himself about other people's changing bodies (postpartum colleagues, friends getting older) etc he is not stupid in my opinion.

It's a practice environment for when she becomes 16 and onwards and men make worse degrading comments. She will be learning things at school on how to challenge this behaviour and it needs back up at home too.

I didn't know what he meant.
I'm not British by origin, thought the trunk meant she eats junk food.
🥴

Not going to weigh in on the actual comment as it sounds like a verbal grenade, but it's important to remember the having a conspiracy of silence around certain things is more likely to be internalised by a child as shameful, then an open and safe conversation. So educate your children about weight and beauty standards and ask them how they feel about it all, rather then clamming up and pretending you're blind to it all.