For asking DH not to comment on DDs body

[PennyNotWise]

DH mentioned that 13yo DD is “getting more junk in her trunk” in front of her.
It went over her head so I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time, just gave him a look! But later said can you please not do that, how would you feel if someone said your arse was getting big? And it’s not anyway, she’s just growing up!
(fwiw DD is very skinny but healthy, not that it matters)

He acted all shocked and confused and like I’m being ott. To be fair I have raging PMT but I’m pretty sure I’m right that this is not nice. Just need some back up! Maybe he was acting out of defence/guilt with me.

My stepdad used to call me a fat slag when I was 14. Bit more extreme I appreciate.

My auntie used to always say I had no waist as well. Utter nonsense but I still think about it often.

I remember my dad saying something similar to me around that age. I developed an eating disorder 😪 I hope your daughter is ok

I don’t know why I doubted myself! (Ok I do, hormones)

There is nothing appropriate about that comment. If he’d talked (privately to you) about something that was a health concern, that’s different. But to comment on her body, and used borderline sexualised language, is just unpleasant and I wonder what is in his head to talk about his young vulnerable dd like that.

Hopefully he’s got the message - although it’s concerning that he came out with it in the first place.

Its a weird thing to say. Does he realise it means her bum is getting bigger? Which is an odd thing to say to anyone.
It's fine to discuss puberty etc, with you, or her if they have that kind of relationship, but randomly commenting on anyones body like this isn't acceptable.
Hope he thinks next time.

My grandad died about 30yrs ago . He told me when I was about 9 I was getting too fat. It's the only thing I remember him saying to me . I cannot remember any other thing about him .

Oh God no he's out of order.
When we were teenagers my brother told me sister she had big hips ( not fat because she is and always has been very slim.
She is in her 40s and still has a complex about them. Brother feels awful but at least he had the excuse of being a teenager.
Your husband should know better. Perhaps just start pointing out his imperfections and tell him he's being OTT when he gets annoyed.

My dad used to make comments about my weight when I was young (thunder thighs being one of them) Every comment stays with you and I would be surprised if it truly went over her head. She's at a sensitive age too, comments like that can start eating disorders.
So no YANBU at all

It sounds like a clumsy and stupid comment from a man who has no clue the pressure that teenage girls are under to be a perfect shape.

He needs to understand that comments on shape or size are now completely unwanted.

Perhaps explain to him what causes teenage depression or eating disorders. Show him the hourly rate for a private child psychologist or private hospital treatment for someone suffering anorexia, and then make it clear, that you never want to hear him comment on her size again.

If he is genuinely worried that she is becoming overweight, he needs to have a discreet conversation with you, and you come up with the right support to help her, not criticise her.

Men !!

The best thing to do would be to call it out tgere and then. Show your daughter not to put up with it. A simple. It's rude to comment on other people's bodies, and then carry on your convo

Mine tool the piss the day i got my first period, roped my bro into it.

And referred to my chest as a tray, and said it came into a room before I did.

And he wonders why we have no relationship.

I remember when I was a teenager looking in the mirror one time probabably styling my hair. My dad saif to my older sister (loud enough for me to hear),
"So vain and yet so little to be vain about." My older sister ageed with him. It didn't bother me but I never forgot it

I think anybody commenting about "getting little boobs" is more weird and gross than your husbands comment tbh. Although I also think he was clueless and out of line.

Objectifying, inappropriate and hurtful comment.

It is also very likely your daughter heard and understood what he said.

I’ve known such remarks to be made out of sheer thoughtlessness. One I particularly remember was made by a family friend to the dd of other family friends - she was maybe 13. ‘You’re stocky, aren’t you - like your dad.’ I cringed for the poor girl.

OTOH another I remember was just spiteful. We were on holiday with the dad and dd in question (they didn’t have the best relationship) and the young teen girls were dressed up for the evening. ‘I see you’ve got your padded bra on, darling.’

The girl in question had very little to put in a bra at the time - I cringed for her, and remember thinking how my dh would never had said such a thing in a million years.

My mum once looked at my daughter's school photo and said hadn't she got a big round face? She was already on the skinny side and I don't know if it was coincidence but she stopped eating and still struggles now, years later.

Ewww no! Not so much because he was calling her 'fat' but because it's a highly sexualised comment. It's what guys say in porn movies and rap about women with 'big booties'.

Using a pornified term for your child...ewwwww NO!!!!

And extremely ill advised thing to say, particularly to a teenage girl.

Really, really silly.

That is really grim. I would hit the roof if dh said something like this to dd.

My dad used to compare my sister and I, pointing out who was the slimmest at that point in time and being pleased if we didn’t eat much at dinner, etc (he was hugely fat phobic and used to point out people he considered fat in the street and laugh openly at them - yes, he was a total dickhead). This has had a deep and lasting impact on both of us.

Not ok. My dad used to make all sorts of comments about my face and body and when I'd get upset, he'd be all "ffs, it was a joke". Yeah, fucking hilarious.

It was an awful, damaging thing to say. Let's hope it went over your daughter's head, but it's quite possible it didn't, and she was upset and didn't know how to handle it. (And I assume she has access to Google, so could look up the term later)

He also chose to use very sexualised phrasing. Why?

Talk to your daughter. Her father has commented negatively on her body and you didn't pull him up on it in the moment. So she's just learnt that's acceptable from the 2 most important people in her life.

If there's any chance she did understand, he needs to apologise for his behaviour.

Either way, you both need to tell her it isn't acceptable for anyone, especially boys and men, to comment on or criticise her body, and especially not using sexualised language. She mustn't put up with it, and that you and her father will support her if other boys/men make comments like that to her.

I'm in my mid 40s and remember that everyone in my parents' generation (including parents) thought it was perfectly acceptable to comment on any child growing, being stocky etc. The comments stick and now that most of us are parents ourselves we are really conscious of NOT commenting unless it's a nicely positive balanced comment (eg. I tell both my kids they are strong - they are!). My mum doesn't comment on my children like she would have when I was a kid. I think I have probably pulled her up a few times and she gets it now.

I would have a conversation with your dh. Explain the lasting impact that comments like these have. Tell him that your dd will experience negative comments from everywhere as she gets older and what she really needs at home is for her body to not be commented on. It isn't OK. Also maybe suggest that he thinks about whether he makes comments about other bodies that he sees on tv etc and the impact this might have on his daughter.

Exactly this

This is a huge deal IMO. He is setting her up for eating disorders if he carries on making comments like that, he needs to close his mouth and do some research about how these things start. Idiot.