For asking DH not to comment on DDs body

[PennyNotWise]

DH mentioned that 13yo DD is “getting more junk in her trunk” in front of her.
It went over her head so I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time, just gave him a look! But later said can you please not do that, how would you feel if someone said your arse was getting big? And it’s not anyway, she’s just growing up!
(fwiw DD is very skinny but healthy, not that it matters)

He acted all shocked and confused and like I’m being ott. To be fair I have raging PMT but I’m pretty sure I’m right that this is not nice. Just need some back up! Maybe he was acting out of defence/guilt with me.

Actually, I would show him this thread, if he thinks you're being over the top. You're absolutely not.

Well I agree with pp about it being very concerning he used such a sexualised comment about his own DD.

@PennyNotWise does he want her to have a major food hang up??? absolutely idiotic thing to say to a young teen age girl! you dont want her to start having anorexia, or bulimia! tell him the repercussions of saying things like that and how dangerous it is!

I remember my dad just saying Wow! when I appeared in a new swimming costume at 13. It was said admiringly and it was so creepy and awful and I obviously remember it even now I’m old. He should not have been admiring me like that. I stopped swimming for about a decade after that. I was very self conscious about my weight though but that certainly didn’t help. Being a teenager sucks. And the men around you have to be so careful.

That is fucking gross.
My dad said something similar when I was 16, and it made me seriously uncomfortable xx and it’s stayed with me, and affected me :(

It’s a very clumsy comment but this is the sort of thing that stays with you. Being a teenager is such a weird and difficult time as it is, you don’t need to be getting comments about your appearance from your own dad!! Your reaction was not unreasonable at all, I hope he really takes what you’ve said onboard.

Still remember my grandad (who was a bit of a knob) saying I had fat legs and my friends mum saying my lips disappeared when I smile. Definitely affected my confidence as an adult!

I had never before heard the expression, 'junk in trunk', and think it is quite revolting. Your husband should not have said it, full stop.

However you say he is pretty clueless so doubt he meant to be offensive. He is not likely to say it again.

I have 13 and 9 year old DDs, my DH would never say something like that to them, gross! You're right, nobody should be commenting like that about children's bodies!
I was quite big for my age as a child and started puberty on the earlier side so by year 5/6 was a lot bigger than a lot of girls in my class. I always felt massive and still do tbh even though I'm actually only 5'4"! Looking back at photos I was never an overweight child either.
People were always commenting about how I was taller than my mum as a teen and I hated it!
Comments made in childhood really do stick with you for life.

Please please make him understand how damaging this is. I stopped swimming at 13 because boys were commenting about my figure . But worse, I suffered the same thing at home from my father . In a " joking " way of course. My family had no money ( although both parents smoked heavily . So I had none of the basics ( enough sanitary towels

,deoderant ,decent underwear etc) The shame stays with you. A friends older sister gave me some bras that she had bought but didn't fit her . My Aunt and husband (mothers sister) were visiting. My father held up one of the bras ,said " talk about squeezing a quart into a pint pot" and passed it to the ( narcissistic) aunt who held it up against her laughing . I ran out of the room in tears. I could hear their comments as i sat crying on the stairs .They were mainly about my breasts . I also heard my father say i had legs like pit props! ( actually they were quite average.) My mother said nothing . She was too miserable and depressed herself . I never ,ever felt the same again and still have body and food issues. Please make your H see how wrong this is . If I tell you that it stopped me breast feeding my baby ,that I am old now but have never worn a strappy top or dress perhaps it will be clear.I have never sunbathed ,hate beach holidays ,never go to the gym or pool. I feel so ashamed even typing this and don't know if I can press post .

So true about every comment - I vividly remember being 12/13 wearing a pink striped wrap shirt which tied at the side with a vest under - a (step) grandparent asked my mum what size it was as it ‘looked tight’ which was bad enough but then my mum responded with the size and both agreed I could do with a bigger one. In front of the whole family. I was perfectly normal sized then and I am now but my god did that pave the way for years of self hatred.

Genuinely makes me feel tearful thinking about it now.

What a disgusting man. Do not brush this off as 'doesn't get it/problems with empathy'. He made sexualised, leering comments about his child.

The best thing I did for DDs body confidence was get her into girls rugby, everybody type is celebrated the small and speedy, the stocky and strong etc. Girls spend their winters covered in mud, being physical and tackling each other and then at the end of season awards night were (mostly) glitz and glammed up doing TikTok dances which was quite funny compared to how I normally saw them.

Season is about to start and now is a great time to join if your daughters are interested.

@Toiletbrushdisaster please order yourself a swimming costume today and go at the weekend. Don't let that awful moment in your developing years stop you from enjoying life.

I wish people would just fuck off commenting shit like that

What's wrong with
She's so strong/good at sports/kind/good with her siblings...

And I'll recommend watersports for the summer.

You should have embarassed him and said what is it to you? You're her dad.

I have one ! Never even tried it on . Perhaps I will now . Thank you

I always remember in my early teens hanging out with a friend who introduced me to another friend (he went to a different school but she knew him since young). Anyway after a bit I overheard her asking him what he thought of me. Then I overhead him saying I was nice, but my bum was big though.

Now, to be fair I am a pear shape and I'm short as well, it's not a great combo for arse size, so yes it is bigger than the rest of my proportions. I never gave it a second thought before.

But it really dented my confidence, while all the girls at school were rolling up skirts, mine was near my ankles. I wore a school jumper, even in the blazing sun, because it hid my bum. This was the 90s when the tall waif look was in (the most popular girl in our year boasted she was thinner than Kate Moss), and I was a short arse who had puppy fat. But I can pinpoint that comment to the start of feeling self conscious.

Even now I shop for stuff that floats over my bum to hide it.

The day her own dad moves into the category of ‘men who comment on her body/looks/weight’ is the day he’s lost the unconditional trust of his child.

Sounds dramatic - it isn’t. It really has significance in two ways - realising that your dad is also ‘one of those men (ie most men) - 🤮- and also being given the message that you no longer have that ultimate ‘protection’ of home, where things are different and you are always safe. Horrible.

Show him this thread as it’s clear he doesn’t really get it. Maybe ask how he’d have felt if his mother had made comments on his body as a teenager, especially elements that could be construed as sexual. Ask him how that would have felt at that age? Ashamed, unsettled, embarrassed, no longer with the same level of unthinking trust that Mum is just Mum and sees you as her little child.

My Dad used to comment on how I had lovely legs and how men will like that. He also made an observational comment about my boobs once when I first got them although I can’t actually remember what it was he said but I do remember the confusion and embarrassment of it.
Then there was the time he wrote "Miss Piggy" on my bedroom door in permanent marker when I put on weight.

Tip of the iceberg

Aren't you creeped out? Because yes it's rude to comment, whether factually true or not, but it's a sexualised phrase and to state the blooming obvious he shouldn't be looking at her like that. I'd be feeling really ill at ease.

To be clear, I think the two reasons I can’t remember exactly what his comment about my boobs was, are 1. Because he always made nasty comments to us all and this was by no means the worst & 2. I blocked a lot of comments out and pretended I didn't hear them (put hands on ears and ran away).

The incident itself I'll never forget though, the fact that my own Dad was even looking at my chest.

I’m thrilled you have your daughters back about this. I put up with various comments from my own Dad when I was a teen ‘your boobs are getting big’ ‘put yourself away’ etc and well into adulthood- ( coming back from holiday a few years ago) ‘well your bust has got bigger’. I don’t remember him making similar comments to any of my sisters (or brother).

Since forever, I don’t give him a kiss or hug or anything like that (and avoid him doing it to me too). He’s given me the lifelong ick!

This, not sure I could ever look at my DH the same again if he made this kind of comment about DD.

He probably didn't mean anything weird but comments like that will show your daughter that it is OK for men to comment on her body.

You know him best so will know if it is concerning or just misguided.

I think where someone is just misguided and not actively being misogynistic it is hard to make them understand that they actually are even if they don't consciously realise it.