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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have not known what to do or say to a woman being treated like dirt by her partner in a restaurant.

82 replies

Greentea5cups · 06/09/2024 02:46

Name changed because I'll give details.

City centre, romantic restaurant it's a small place with only around 6 tables. I am in the window area at a 2 seater table with one other two seater right next to us.

Me and partner joke around a bit order food and relatively happy. I noticed he's stopped making conversation and so him if he's okay. He sends me a text descreetly saying the man on the table next to us is being abusive to his wife/partner.

I try to listen but only catch bits. He puts her down about a new job which she was excited about. Tells her she isn't ready and can't do it. He's slurring and a bit drunk. She calmly asks him if he's jealous and he says 'you can put that fucking idea to bed right now'. I can't hear well and sort of try to go back to what we are talking about but then the man throws a huge tantrum and starts refusing to pay. She ends up paying. He makes more rude comments. She politely thanks the waitress, she looks pissed off. He refuses to move. She says 'shall we go then' after a few more minutes and he just sits there, he says 'stop telling me what to do'.

She ends up going to the bathroom and my partner says maybe I should follow and ask if she's okay but the restaurant is so small it only has a single cubicle toilet so not an option. When she comes back after a few minutes he still doesn't want to move. Eventually he seems to deem this round of punishment over and allows them to leave. My partner tells me more stuff he's overheard him saying, all in a similar ilk.

I was quite shocked at this behaviour in public and my stomach turned at the thought of her having to go home with the nasty old prick. I guess this more a wwyd? Would you have said something? If so what? I'm usually quite outspoken but it didn't feel like my place and I didn't want to cause a scene in the restaurant, or make him angrier and it makes things much harder for her or even dangerous as she's got to back with him.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 06/09/2024 12:01

User135644 · 06/09/2024 11:58

She already knows he's toxic but chooses to be with him. Pointing it out will only get you an earful.

Choice is a grey area when you're in an abusive relationship.

leftsndrightrain · 06/09/2024 12:03

It's not something I would ever get involved in. I've been in an abusive relarionship and I know anyone intervening would not make a difference, the person has to come to that realisation by themselves. I don't think it would help and the only thing it would achieve is help the bystander feel good about themselves.

Newnametoday5 · 06/09/2024 18:47

Only a week ago I got on a local underground train and sitting close by were a young couple and their toddler daughter. The mother looked nervous and wàs very obviously embarrassed. The horror she was with was on his phone and loudly discussing the previous nights sex session. His language was vile and in front of his child. The mother tried to tell him he was embarrassing her but he ignored that. I felt so sorry for her and god only knows what else she endured with a low life like that. One or two other passengers must have heard too. I buried my head in my newspaper but felt anger rising in me. They got off the train before me and I watched him pull his daughter along the platform while mum trailed behind. I hope that young lady finds the strength to ditch him.

Thingypb · 07/09/2024 07:18

To start yes I'm male, this man use the term loosely, need to be thought some respect, by that he needs the shit kicked out of him! Probably not going to be popular but scum like him give all men a bad name,

Newname71 · 07/09/2024 07:44

HousesChoices · 06/09/2024 06:40

I was walking through town once, at lunchtime, busy streets, when a man started shouting at the woman he was with.

A few people noticed and looked/watched, he was being foul to her.

Then he punched her, a proper pull-back, swing of a punch, to her face.

No one did anything. The men around all hurried by, while a few of us women stood in shock - I caught the eye of another woman who had seen and we both indicated to our phones, we both called the police.

I decided not to intervene because 1) my safety 2) the victim's safety, often with abusers they'll blame their victim for the unwanted reactions

I was amazed no men got involved though. None at all came to help, so I felt like this violent man was just enabled by them.

I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago. Middle of a Saturday afternoon in the middle of town. A really big fella (he looked in his 40’s) punching hell out of a lad that looked about 17, the lads little brother was hysterical, screaming and crying. Everyone stopped and just watched including, like in your case a lot of men, it was horrendous. It made me so angry I didn’t stop to think and I got in the middle of them. Told big fella to walk away, I wasn’t going to let him carry on punching shit out of a child. . After my mum said what the bloody hell were you thinking? The truth, I didn’t think!

JohnTheRevelator · 20/06/2025 17:28

AimieDaisy · 06/09/2024 03:21

I’ve stepped in before only to have both the man and the female ‘victim’ both turn on me, sadly

Unfortunately,this is all too common. Very odd.

HatsOffToThePigeons · 20/06/2025 17:35

Why the piss did you resurrect a zombie to give this great insight?!

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