To have not known what to do or say to a woman being treated like dirt by her partner in a restaurant.

[Greentea5cups]

Name changed because I'll give details.

City centre, romantic restaurant it's a small place with only around 6 tables. I am in the window area at a 2 seater table with one other two seater right next to us.

Me and partner joke around a bit order food and relatively happy. I noticed he's stopped making conversation and so him if he's okay. He sends me a text descreetly saying the man on the table next to us is being abusive to his wife/partner.

I try to listen but only catch bits. He puts her down about a new job which she was excited about. Tells her she isn't ready and can't do it. He's slurring and a bit drunk. She calmly asks him if he's jealous and he says 'you can put that fucking idea to bed right now'. I can't hear well and sort of try to go back to what we are talking about but then the man throws a huge tantrum and starts refusing to pay. She ends up paying. He makes more rude comments. She politely thanks the waitress, she looks pissed off. He refuses to move. She says 'shall we go then' after a few more minutes and he just sits there, he says 'stop telling me what to do'.

She ends up going to the bathroom and my partner says maybe I should follow and ask if she's okay but the restaurant is so small it only has a single cubicle toilet so not an option. When she comes back after a few minutes he still doesn't want to move. Eventually he seems to deem this round of punishment over and allows them to leave. My partner tells me more stuff he's overheard him saying, all in a similar ilk.

I was quite shocked at this behaviour in public and my stomach turned at the thought of her having to go home with the nasty old prick. I guess this more a wwyd? Would you have said something? If so what? I'm usually quite outspoken but it didn't feel like my place and I didn't want to cause a scene in the restaurant, or make him angrier and it makes things much harder for her or even dangerous as she's got to back with him.

Probably fearful that it would make the situation worse for them.

If you can catch them away from the man and just give a very minor, but meaningful comment (I'm struggling to think of one on the fly) not intended to make them go "omg you're right! Rescue me immediately!" Just sort of pointing out that it's not normal/ok the way her partner is treating her and she doesn't have to put up with it, then it can help plant or water any seeds of doubt she might have. That's what helped me, anyway. Lots of little comments from others which added up to "this isn't normal and it's not ok" and helped me make the decision on my own to leave.

Same. All I did was say 'are you OK?' in a discreet and sympathetic way and she went ballistic at me. It seemed to me that she used it as an excuse to smooth things over with her partner and they were able to unite in their common dislike of my presumption. She was not a nice woman and I regretted saying anything.

Yes sadly there is often a trauma bond between couples like this. Intervening actually makes them unite - 'it's me and you against the world babes!' It's depressing 😞

I know from previous experience, both as someone who was on the receiving end of verbal abuse and as someone who had tried to intervene, that sadly this won’t work. Although it’s a credit to you and your DP that you want to.

The whole point about the psychology of men like this is that they seek control by isolating the woman from other people’s perspective on the situation. If either you or your DP had got involved he would have instinctively known what was happening and would have reacted very badly.

Blokes like this will just double down on the abuse if they are challenged or they become aware that their behaviour is being questioned. It’s opening another front and just providing another focus for them to lash out. If you make a man like this aware he is being judged he will use it as another reason to lash out at his partner.

Sadly the best you can hope for is that she has a neutral friend to turn to.

There is nothing you could have done OP, unfortunately.

I agree. I'm saddened to read because many people are thinking very short sighted and wouldn't even subtly try to let her know this wasn't acceptable.

For a crime in progress you call 999 and report it to the police. And yes emotional abuse is a crime. They might do nothing or they might send someone to have a word and it might be a turning point.

Not sure that you can take it to the police

A man behaving like an arse in a restaurant by saying nasty things, not paying, refusing to budge, etc is nowhere near a matter for the police!

The context of the conversation implied they had been together for many years, he was telling her she was shit at her current job, and that he wasn't happy when she yook that position, wasn't ready for her new job and then mentioned previous roles before that.

I can't imagine this many was any more pleasant when he was at home.

She is whisper 'youre being abusive' at one point and he scoffed at her :(

I was amazed no men got involved though. None at all came to help, so I felt like this violent man was just enabled by them.

Most men like to think they are Jason Bourne and can handle themselves but deep down they know when it comes to proper physical violence they are woefully out of shape and unprepared to deal with a very angry man wanting to beat shit out of you. If you 'get involved' in a random situation you have to be prepared to see it through, i.e. the person pinned on the ground while you wait for the police. Unless you know what you are doing that is probably going to involve you ending up with a fat lip, bloody nose and ruined clothes and if you are really unlucky a trip to the police station on assault charges.

I remember in Milton Keynes watching an abusive man shout at his wife in a morrisons, walk away, and shout at her again because apparently she ‘should have known’ what was in the house and shouldn’t need his help. I asked the woman if she was okay and she was so embarrassed - explained he’d lost his job and was at home but still expected her to do everything despite working full time and she brought him there to ‘teach him’ how to grocery shop. It was so sad

I was beaten up three times as a teenager by random strangers. That's the kind of place I grew up in! Each time a man intervened. So men often do help, but yes, sometimes they're just too scared.

I agree about your comment but the OPs description sounds like it was way more than your dismissive comment.
Also the fact that the female commented about other half being abusive......

Unless the abuse or aggression is physical, intervening is probably rarely a good idea. And if it, one has to be aware of potential risks to one's own safety.

As onlookers, it can be difficult to assess what is really going on, and whether the victim needs or would welcome support.

In the OP's situation, the only thing she really could have done is follow her to the restroom and perhaps told her "I couldn't help overhearing - if you think you might need help, call Women's Aid...... take care".

Exactly. If he could hear it why didn't he do something?

This, sadly.

My exH was abusive. If someone intervened publicly (which did occasionally happened), I would get 'punished' when we got home. Really escalated the situation. Weirdly someone intervening on my behalf used to make me feel worse too. I guess because it made me realise the situation was worse than I was admitting to myself.
Now I'm out the other side thank goodness. Basically the abused partner has to find the strength to leave and be ready within themselves to do so. Hopefully the lady in question has solid friends around her like I did.

I wonder if you could have taken a photo of your being at the restaurant with the abuser in the background, so even if not contacting the police there and then, could have done so later? Or if you overheard any evidence they have children, contacted social services instead?

Staff at a restaurant probably don't have the means to refuse the man further service, and indeed he'd probably leave without paying if they did.

It sounds like in that scenario, realistically you could have only gone over to speak to her if he'd left the table to go to the bathroom. If they weren't being overly loud, chances are he would have got even more angry if he felt you were eavesdropping and that would have escalated things for his partner.

I've intervened in a couple of situations where the man was shouting and hitting the woman, but that's when I've been right outside my place of work or home, so felt safe doing so. In both instances I offered for the woman to come with me and we went inside and I locked the door to keep him out. Fortunately that was enough to make the man leave without any further commotion and I talked with the woman, gave her my phone number and offered to be a witness if she wanted to report it to the Police.

I had a bad cold on holiday but we still needed to go out to eat, I wasn't sneezing but I had endless tears streaming down my face. I did wonder if other diners were going to think DH had done something!

Sounds like he was drunk and embarrassed himself like a drunk person often does.

Sounds like she handled herself perfectly fine.

Sounds like they might have a pre-existing issue around the job which isn't your business (and you eavesdropped on) and will only be inflammatory if you jump into something you have no place it.

He will sober up and they will either work through it or split up... no need for a nosy white knight.

Nothing sounds 'abusive' in what you said just an argument where hes blunt and petulant because hes drunk.

I’ve stepped in when someone was manhandling his female partner. They were both quite elderly so I didn’t feel worried that he might turn on me as I could have fought him off easily but I’d have been worried if he was younger.

Also just remember saying something when I heard a dad berating his wife in front of their daughters as a festival. I told him to stop speaking to her like that, it’s disrespectful and setting a horrible example to their daughters about how a woman should be treated by her husband. She looked shocked and he told me to mind my own business. I said you’re making it by business by being such a prick in public. If you don’t want people to tell you to stop being awful to your wife, then stop being awful to your wife. I figured even if it did nothing for the wife, the kids would remember the day someone stepped in and stood up for her and them in the face of a bullying man.

I’ve also been the one having dinner with a DP who was being horrible and made me cry. Once I’d picked him up from work for lunch and I just walked out and left him there so he had to make his way back to work on his own. Maybe I was the abusive one that day?! But he was aggressive and nasty so I don't give a fuck tbh!

She already knows he's toxic but chooses to be with him. Pointing it out will only get you an earful.