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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed with DP wanting me to move abroad and all but accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to?

95 replies

winestein · 18/04/2008 20:57

My dad died about 16 months ago leaving his soulmate, my mum, all on her onesome. My brother moved to America a few years ago and I am basically all that my mum has, and happy to repay all that she has given me over the previous years - I sort things out for her, and fix stuff where I can, and I am but an hour away. Every Saturday I take DS and the dog up and she loves both the routine and the company.

DP was born the other side of the world but has been here since he was two. He moved back for about 5 years between the ages of 19 and 24(ish) but has been back here since then (now 40). When his UK dad died, his NZ mum moved back to NZ - this was about 6 years ago - and now he is putting the pressure on me to move over there. He seems not to see the connection between my mum and myself and says that we aren't close (admittedly we aren't best friends, but we are close and I would do anything for her, as she would me where she can).

A few months ago DP said he felt sad about not seeing his mum and all his relations and I said we should go over there for holidays at least every other year. When speaking about this this evening he said he didn't want to go on holiday, that he wanted to move back and that he hated "this shithole" of a country and all of it's schools, no place for our son to be growing up etc etc etc and didn't see why I was so keen to stay. His reasons were my brother moved to the US and is still there and my mum is a bit odd. I admit my mum can be a bit odd, but she managed to hold it together after my dad died and I didn't think she would. She sometimes says the daftest things, but is that a reason to emigrate to the other side of the world?

I have said I would go were it not for my mum, so I don't think I am giving an outright "no" but this isn't good enough for DP. He says that he doesn't want to go when he is old and that he will need another operation for his heart soon (he has fairly severe congenital heart disease and this gives him a certain outlook on life).

I know what I think - but I want to know if I am being selfish or not. What do you think?

OP posts:
posieflump · 18/04/2008 20:59

Can your mum go with you?

Lauriefairycake · 18/04/2008 21:02

I don't think you are being selfish (obviously) but you do need to work out if he really means this - I go through all sorts of periods of dreaming/having crises/getting annoyed with this country so he may be a bit like that.

It needs VERY careful consideration and equal weight to both of your opinions.

And a long time to think about it.

I would definitely agree not to fight about it though and just do a lot of talking and research - and not to get stuck on one issue like your mum as you just get caught in a circular argument

Tiggerish · 18/04/2008 21:02

I really feel for you - you are between a rock and a hard place. neither of you are being unreasonable. You both have very valid reasons to go/stay.

(btw the education system in NZ is really cr** especially secondary. at least here they try to teach the kids to a decent level)

SenoraPostrophe · 18/04/2008 21:03

You're not being selfish. he is, for trying to pressure you into moving. and actually if dh had said some of that stuff to me (presuming to understand my relationship with my mum better than me and calling me selfish), I would be extremely angry with him, and would be rethinking the whole relationship tbh.

assuming you don't want to rethink the relationship, is he close to his mum? would a compromise solution involving you moving to a nicer (and more rural) part of the uk work at all?

Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:15

My mum wouldn't want to go with me Posie - she is 74 and doesn't know anyone out there. She is a home bird.

He really means it Laurie.

Yes, I think so Tiggerish. I only have my mum here, no other family. I love his family and would have no problems in principle.

SP - now I would move to a nicer part of the country, happily. He refuses to sell on the grounds he wouldn't want to move anywhere but NZ. I am questioning our relationship. We have had problems for a long time and was part of the supposed healing process when I realised that he missed his family - so I tried to make a compromise - which wasn't good enough for him.

So I want to work out if it is really me who is being unreasonable but I can't see it.

OP posts:
AnnaPx · 18/04/2008 21:19

No, you're not being unreasonable, he is. Is there something going on in his life that he's wanting to "escape" from? Because it doesn't seem like a very logical standpoint he's taking.

So, for example, what makes him think that his experience of NZ 16 yrs ago gives him a realistic picture of the way things are there nowadays? And if he was in NZ from the ages of 19 to 24 what does he know about the schools there? And if it's about his mother then why can't she move back to the UK? She's only been out there for 6 yrs so much less upheaval for her to come here than for you and DCs to emigrate somewhere you've never been.

for you, but do really think it might be worth trying to think if there is something else behind all this. Hope it works out for you.

SenoraPostrophe · 18/04/2008 21:21

he is being very unreasonable, and I wonder if there is another reason for his behaviour - maybe he is questioning the relationship too and trying to use the emigration thing as an excuse? maybe marriage counselling would help?

Lauriefairycake · 18/04/2008 21:21

There is nothing to see You are not being unreasonable

some things are really difficult to compromise over but if you really wanted to stay together then you would do anything to be together, wouldn't you?

If neither of you wants to stay together more than move then it's sad but at least you know where you are

GrapefruitMoon · 18/04/2008 21:28

Are you sure he's not having a MLC? (seems to be a lot of it about today!)

How about going to NZ for a longish holiday - if it is a case of the grass being greener maybe he needs to actually go to look into it properly and realise the reality... I'm not saying NZ isn't a nice place to live btw but I believe that there are certain issues you need to take into account - like the fact that flights are relatively more expensive coming from NZ in comparison to going there from here - so you might not be able to come back to see your mother as often as you would like. The cost of living might seem low there but salaries are also lower - and the NZ dollar doesn't go very far once you leave NZ.

I would also talk to him about the reasons why he left NZ again when he was 24 and why he feels differently about moving there now...

Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:29

Anna - he wants to escape from heart disease and to live free of it's limitations. He also wants to live life as he wants to live it and with no one else to consider. Chicken and egg.

SP - we have just finished Relate counselling. The counsellor ahd a go at him on the last session for not wanting to change anything (she did apologise for stepping out of counsellor role!) so I do realise there are some major fundamental flaws in our relationship - and there are areas I have changed. The counsellor had a go at him for not being willing to compromise and I see this as an example - but I have become unsure.

Laurie - yes, quite.

OP posts:
Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:33

Grapefruit - that's given me some good things to talk about. I did know about the finance stuff though as, as I say I am not opposed to moving and my kind of work is in demand over there.

It's just that my mum, well, she really properly needs me and I don't mind her needing me. I needed her when I was growing up and she needs me now. That's how I see things - another question: is his an odd way to see it?

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 18/04/2008 21:42

Another thing to consider - what's the healthcare system like in NZ?

I really think a long holiday would be a good idea - can you say that you want to go for a month (or however long you can get off work) and you won't consider a permanent move until you've done that so you can look into it properly. He may find that he has a rose-tinted view of how well he'll get on with his relatives, for example. Would also give you a chance to see how your mum would cope without seeing you for a while...

Lauriefairycake · 18/04/2008 21:45

would it be worse to go and break up ?

I'm wondering if really deep down you don't think/want to be with him.

That's a very hard question though.

Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:48

My mum doesn't cope well with not seeing me for a week. She's ok but is really glad to see me the next week IYKWIM.

I would only go for a minimum of a month anyway - I am my own boss so I am pretty kind to myself holiday-wise! Early next year is the only time we can go in decent weather though as DS starts school after that so we would only really be able to go in NZ winter.

I don't think the healthcare is as good as it is over here - particularly for his kind of complications. It's strange - he cited this fact for his reasons not to go a few years ago.

OP posts:
shubiedoo · 18/04/2008 21:51

Well, if your mum is elderly, this will sound morbid, but could you make plans to retire there after she's gone? Or at least wait till the kids are college age, more independent?

Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:52

It's not hard Laurie - I don't think I do because I don't think he puts any effort into making changes. If he did, I would, but I think he is too selfish to do so.

I obvioulsy realised my view is biased by it being, well, mine so I am looking for everyones perspective.

Thankyou to all who have given it so far btw

OP posts:
Original poster
winestein · 18/04/2008 21:55

I have said as much Shubie - if my mum were no longer here I would go. She is my reason to stay. Even if DP and I split up if we ever got out there DS would have a large family. Starting anew doesn't bother me.

It'll be too long to wait before DS is college age - he is only 3 now!

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 18/04/2008 21:56

Bloody hell, Winestein, he hasn't married you but he thinks you should leave your aged mum to go to the other side of the world with him?

You have made no public promise to stay with him for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health etc. You might have trouble emigrating if you're not married. Some other countries are funny about it. Not sure if NZ counts as one of those, but I do know some one who married her partner just so that they could go to America together.

And even if you were married, I think your mother's wellbeing is a consideration.

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 22:02

This is a tricky one.

It?s not wrong for not wanting to go, but imo it?s wrong to stay for the sake of someone else, ie your mum. Whatever you do, you have to do for you, because ultimately you are the one that has to live your life.

If you stay because of your mum, I imagine she won?t be around for ever, so what will you do once she?s gone? Can you live with potentially losing your dh for the sake of your mum and then end up being on your own when she?s no longer here?

If it wasn?t for your mum, would you go? And if not, why not?

policywonk · 18/04/2008 22:03

Oh winey, it sounds like a very difficult situation for both of you. I feel for you over your dad's death and your relationship with your mum, and completely understand why you don't want to go. FWIW I agree with you that older children can feel a great sense of obligation (in a loving and non-martyrish way) towards their parents - I'd never leave my dad to cope on his own.

It sounds as though your DP isn't able to discuss this calmly, for some reason. It's not reasonable of him to start talking about 'shitholes', or to expect you to drop your life here so easily.

wheresmyAga · 18/04/2008 22:05

If you make the decision to go, please make sure it's because you really, really want to and are committed to it.

I moved abroad with my (now X) OH and DCs (then aged 5 and 3) when I knew, deep in my heart, that I wasn't sure it was the right thing for me. We, too, had problems with our relationship, and moving overseas was definitely a 'make or break' move. I agreed to go because I wanted to save our relationship. I stuck it for two years, then came back to the UK with the DCs because my relationship with my OH had broken down and I felt too isolated (physically and emotionally) to go it alone as a single parent there. OH decided to stay put. He's still there and our children only see him a few times a year now, which is very sad.

Moving abroad (especially as far as NZ) is difficult enough if your relationship is strong. If it's rocky, the cracks will become ever more apparent once you're out of your comfort zone and away from the security and support of friends and family.

Echoing what LFC said, take a long time to consider all your options. Only go if you're convinced it will make all of you happy. Especially you: children need a happy mother.

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 22:05

ah, so if your mum wasn't a consideration you would go?

tbh I would go.

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 22:09

oh yes, I do agree that you should only go if your relationship is secure.

I couldn't even see myself moving 150 up the road at a point when I was feeling ve insecure about things, so another country would be totally different.

now however I would be on the next plane out if someone offered me an opportunity to move abroad

Heated · 18/04/2008 22:17

It takes two ppl to be totally committed to make the move work ime.

I have friends who are going to move back from NZ having spent 5 years there. They miss family, have a long commute since they wanted a big house but couldn't afford what they wanted in Auckland (as was the case when they lived here really) and she has never really got used to the heat. I think he would stay but she hates having to slap on sunscreen even at 9am on a cloudy day. She feels they've had a fab extended working holiday but are ready to come 'home'. But then no doubt she'll be pining for NZ when back in the UK...

Judy1234 · 18/04/2008 22:18

I know someone who has a place in the UK and NZ and spends about 3 months a year in NZ which works well for him. Is that kind of thing a possible compromise?

it is a very dull country with nothing much there. Very beautiful but people leave it to make a proper living, many young people have to leave to find jobs. It will not be the best thing for your child to be brought up there.