to be really annoyed with DP wanting me to move abroad and all but accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to?

[winestein]

My dad died about 16 months ago leaving his soulmate, my mum, all on her onesome. My brother moved to America a few years ago and I am basically all that my mum has, and happy to repay all that she has given me over the previous years - I sort things out for her, and fix stuff where I can, and I am but an hour away. Every Saturday I take DS and the dog up and she loves both the routine and the company.

DP was born the other side of the world but has been here since he was two. He moved back for about 5 years between the ages of 19 and 24(ish) but has been back here since then (now 40). When his UK dad died, his NZ mum moved back to NZ - this was about 6 years ago - and now he is putting the pressure on me to move over there. He seems not to see the connection between my mum and myself and says that we aren't close (admittedly we aren't best friends, but we are close and I would do anything for her, as she would me where she can).

A few months ago DP said he felt sad about not seeing his mum and all his relations and I said we should go over there for holidays at least every other year. When speaking about this this evening he said he didn't want to go on holiday, that he wanted to move back and that he hated "this shithole" of a country and all of it's schools, no place for our son to be growing up etc etc etc and didn't see why I was so keen to stay. His reasons were my brother moved to the US and is still there and my mum is a bit odd. I admit my mum can be a bit odd, but she managed to hold it together after my dad died and I didn't think she would. She sometimes says the daftest things, but is that a reason to emigrate to the other side of the world?

I have said I would go were it not for my mum, so I don't think I am giving an outright "no" but this isn't good enough for DP. He says that he doesn't want to go when he is old and that he will need another operation for his heart soon (he has fairly severe congenital heart disease and this gives him a certain outlook on life).

I know what I think - but I want to know if I am being selfish or not. What do you think?

'I know dh knew that there would come a time that I would want to return and live in Australia - he saw it as part of marrying/being with me - the possibility that we would live in Aus. His mother saw it as inevitable - marry/be with someone not from the UK and there is a very real possibility they may want to live elsewhere.'

See, I think that makes all the difference.

Because I see couples all the time where one person moves over, but they're not honest with their partner because they don't want to end the relationship, but in the back of their minds, it's always their intention to go back to their home country.

And then sometimes when the truth gets out, the other person just doesn't want to go.

I've personally seen 3 marriages fail because of this.

Do you ever consider going back to US Expat?

Winestein,

I am in a way in a similar position to both you and your partner. I have just uprooted my family from the UK to go and live in my native Norway. I have not lived here for 15 years. New school for my son, new nursery (or rather, it will be new nursery when the next intake is in August) and my husband has to work from here, and all three of them has to learn Norwegian. Why such a move? I need to be with my parents. I have similar views to you. My parents have done their very best for me (and my family) since I was born. They are generous and lovely and very loving. Now they are both suffering ill health, and it is only natural that I now "return the favour" and help care for them. Imagine doing your best for your children your entire life, and ending up sick and alone in old age? It is just not on.

As a daughter, I have a duty. And my parents are not going to live for ever. A few years of our lives here, then we can move back to London, or to whereever we want. Or we can stay. My husband, luckily agrees. (My father is paralyzed in a wheel chair after a stroke, and my mum has terminal cancer, high bloodpressure, and in early stages of alzheimers, and she is my dads carer)

So no, you are not selfish.

I suppose in a way I have it "easy" because, you see where I live is what I consider "HOME"....if that makes sense....!
When with the Army you don't get a choice really, so, you just have to make the best of it! And as long as you give it a good chance, usually it will work out...but maybe I am just very simple, lol!
I can see Expats points, honest...but I suppose, personally I would have different priorities....
admittedly the furthest away we ever moved was to Cyprus and I loved every minute of it!

but quint....what would you do if parents on both sides would need you? More of a rhetorical question

Quint,why does your ds have to learn Norwegian? Did you not speak it to him?

no, moondog, never.

never will, either.

continental europe, it's a possibility, however.

but NZ and all that, i think people forget, they are VERY far away and whole different kettle of fish to mainland Europe.

there's no 'weekend break' flights, Eurostars, ferries, etc. to the UK from those places.

3andnomore, I dont think your situations compare that well. You knew what you let yourself in for. England and Germany is a short hop away by plane, heck you can go by car. And unless you have elderly parents who needs you, and no other siblings who can step in, it is pretty simple.

My husband is Polish and I am Norwegian, we settled in the uk together, untill our second was born we divided our time pretty equally between London, Norway, Poland and India. No big deal, there were no elderly relatives, nothing keeping us neither here nor there.

3andnomore - I tend to think that new starts are along the same lines of people who think that they have run out of steam so they get married as the next thing.

Eidsvold - thank you for taking the time for that response. We could do it, I know we could - but I am the main "breadwinner" and always have been. Our finances are totally seperate (which is alien to me) but I am the only one capable of earning the necessaries. As for my mum - she loves the house that she shared with my dad and would never wish to leave for more than a week or so. She doesn't want to go to my brothers for a few weeks because she feels like a fish out of water. I know what you are saying about a positive change and a hankering but he is unprepared to compromise about the smallest of things so I can't see this being for any rasons but his own.

Have seen a relationship counsellor Expat - have just finished it in fact. I often warm to your clear cut view, and this is no exception (not just because it veers to my view on this occasion btw).

Wonk - yes. Me too.

moondog, if we were ever going to move to germany, then my Kids, as well as my dh would have to learn German, because I was a bad mother and did not teach it to them....
I did try with my es, but well, he doesn't find learning to easy, we were under a lot of pressure and stuff and we decided to try just to go it in english and it helped him...which meant that with subsequent Kids english was just to much in the system....

Moondog. I spoke Norwegian to my oldest till he was three years old, my dh spoke english and polish to him, and even if we lived in London, he went to nursery three days per week, he still did not learn English. He was a very lonely little boy, as he could only communicate with me. When his brother was born, and I was bedridden with bad SPD we got a summer au pair, and she did not speak norwegian, so I started speaking English all the tiem. It took my oldest just a few weeks to start speaking English, and his life changed! He could talk, he could play with other children, and he was happy. He was still able to communicate with my parents, as we would speak Norwegian here. But he lacks a lot, so he has much to learn now.

My youngest mixes in Norwegian words in English sentences.

Interesting Expat.
I spent all of my teens and childhood abroad and don't want that for my kids.I am blissfully happy in my Welsh village feeling part o f all that goes on. Dh works abroad though and althoguh not ideal, we get ot spend 4 months a year wherever he is.

There really needs to be some level of compromise on his part.

Because it can also be a strain on kids.

Yes, people say, 'Oh, kids will adjust' and for the most part they do, but some take it very, very hard and just never feel a part in the new location.

It's hard to tell how they will react.

But if you're a family then you MUST take everyone's feelings into consideration.

It cannot just be all about what one person wants anymore, whatever the reasons.

Because quality of life is just that. There's no quality in being miserable.

It seems that the daughters have the day, and stay or go to their own mums.

My own mum is 73 and apart from me she is alone here - she has (oldish) sibs also.

My sis lives in the US and my dad and other sis are dead.

Even though we don't get on - I see my Mum every week and recently went to hospital with her as she had an abscess in her jaw. I was stunned at how confused she was by the whole process - she's normally OK? but I was glad to be there to help her with forms, and where to go in the hospital etc.

My DH is from the UK and I would never move there whilst my mum still is alive - even though my sis is in the US (precedent is set). I just couldn't do it - duty - fairness - karma whatever.

Your DP may have trouble getting back into NZ with his heart disease / illness and I would look at visa issues, finances and health insurance before saying anything further. It may be that he can't move back there anyway.

I feel for you, and I hope that whatever you chose you chose for yourself and your DC. IMHO your DP sounds very immature, scared of dying 'away from home'? narcissistic and unreasonable.

3andnomore. Yes, very rhetorical question. My MIL has a much larger family, is over 20 years younger, she has my dhs younger brother and his wife around the corner, and 2 brothers and a sister living in the same city, and a large circle of friends.

Qunint...but surely, if you marry within different cultures there is always a chance for either person to want to move to their Country of origin?

Also, my rethorical question was more, that, at teh time of our move it was probably my mum that could have done with my physical support more...however due to inlaws old age and Alzheimer issues, but also my mum getting on in age, etc....by now it would be equal....if that makes sense...

I konw it is hard to be abroad speaking minority language. Not criticising, just intersted in socio-linguistic factors especially as am a speech/language therapist.

I grew up speaking Welsh (father only,mother English) in the Pacific and only now realize what a monumental task it was for my father.)

I spent years out of my first 18 living abroad, mostly because of my father's job but also voluntarily.

I don't really have an opinion as to what I want for my kids, because I've come to expect from my own experience that what's important is that they are happy where they are.

Quint - then you really are Omnipresentshadow .

A large part of me is relieved to see that others feel the way about their parent(s) that I feel about mine.

it's other stuff, too, for many people.

i never had a problem with it, because i never fit in in my home country, but some folks don't shift cultures very easily if at all.

that is a thought - perhaps he does see that he will die in the UK and it may not be something he wants - not saying it is right or wrong - may just be a thought.

I really think you need to investigate the mechanics of moving back to NZ - he is saying it is what he wants BUT when it comes to do the actual move - very very stressful - in terms of paperwork, visa applications, medicals, insurance, movers, jobs etc - you may see that it is just a 'dream' or 'thought' for the moment. Iyswim.

Possibly 3andnomore. But we spoke about that long time ago, and sort of settled on the idea that it was most fair to remain in the country we met in. England. We had both chosen England before we chose eachother, was the reasoning. We could see no true weightbearing reasons to move to either country, until now. So yes, the chance of course is there, but equally is the chance that you should want to move somewhere else within the same country, or to a different country alltogether.

My sister is moving back to Korea with her dh next month after 15v years.
A lot of it seems to be to do with (lovley) bil's morbid fear of dying in UK and noone giving a crap.
Me? Am already planning next vacation.

That too has sometimes bothered me. I have this morbid idea of being buried next to my parents. I cannot imagine myself in Mortlake Cemetary. It is so flat, rows upon rows of graves.

DP can move back tomorrow without so much as the blink of an eye - he is a New Zealander but has but has dual nationality on the back of his English father.