to be really annoyed with DP wanting me to move abroad and all but accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to?

[winestein]

My dad died about 16 months ago leaving his soulmate, my mum, all on her onesome. My brother moved to America a few years ago and I am basically all that my mum has, and happy to repay all that she has given me over the previous years - I sort things out for her, and fix stuff where I can, and I am but an hour away. Every Saturday I take DS and the dog up and she loves both the routine and the company.

DP was born the other side of the world but has been here since he was two. He moved back for about 5 years between the ages of 19 and 24(ish) but has been back here since then (now 40). When his UK dad died, his NZ mum moved back to NZ - this was about 6 years ago - and now he is putting the pressure on me to move over there. He seems not to see the connection between my mum and myself and says that we aren't close (admittedly we aren't best friends, but we are close and I would do anything for her, as she would me where she can).

A few months ago DP said he felt sad about not seeing his mum and all his relations and I said we should go over there for holidays at least every other year. When speaking about this this evening he said he didn't want to go on holiday, that he wanted to move back and that he hated "this shithole" of a country and all of it's schools, no place for our son to be growing up etc etc etc and didn't see why I was so keen to stay. His reasons were my brother moved to the US and is still there and my mum is a bit odd. I admit my mum can be a bit odd, but she managed to hold it together after my dad died and I didn't think she would. She sometimes says the daftest things, but is that a reason to emigrate to the other side of the world?

I have said I would go were it not for my mum, so I don't think I am giving an outright "no" but this isn't good enough for DP. He says that he doesn't want to go when he is old and that he will need another operation for his heart soon (he has fairly severe congenital heart disease and this gives him a certain outlook on life).

I know what I think - but I want to know if I am being selfish or not. What do you think?

Unless your DP has always been upfront about wanting to return to NZ at some point, he can't now call you selfish for resisting it.
Your reasons are entirely unselfish. If you went now I think you would spend a lot of time worrying about your mum and feeling bad that you'd left her.

In your position I would say that I would seriously consider a move there after my mum had died and not before.

Xenia's idea is interesting, but she's now dissed the entire population of NZ, not just its SAHMS!!

Wonk - I would find it odd that he can't see my concerns were it not for the fact that he has never been able to see past the end of his own nose/concerns. It's why we are in the mess we are. I feel that his compromise button is missing and there are only a Lemony Snickett series of Unfortunate Events which have kept us together. And now we have a child, who is lovely, and is in no way an unfortunate event, but is the only reason we are trying to stay together. And now he knows his daddy, he would miss him.

Bugger.

Wannabe - then we must celebrate our differences!

Elasticwoman, I don't hold the faith in marriage per se which you appear to do - I would not wish to marry the man of my dreams but I suppose I would if they really wanted to. I would hold the same feelings, married or not. But my mum has always been there, for richer, for poorer.... (Emigrating there would be easy in my line of work btw )

Aga - I would do it - I don't need my relationship to be secure as there is lots out there for me regardless. I love my (were I married) MIL. The vast majority of the rest of the family are superb. I would only miss cold Christmases...

I have to consider that DS has a fabulous relationship with my mum too and she is all he has really known in term of grandparenting.

Do they have roads n' cars n' stuff in NZ then??

It sounds as though you've already made your mind up to me. Perhaps your DP will drop it if he realises that you're not going to be persuaded. My DP went through a phase of trying to get me to move to Manchester (not quite the same, I realise ), but I just said that he was welcome to go if he really wanted to, but that I wouldn't be going with him (again for family reasons), and he's never mentioned it since.

Can I ask - why did Relate sign you off when you and he still have stuff to resolve? Did they decide he was a hopeless case, or is there a maximum number of sessions you're allowed?

YANBU my dream is to move to the other side of the world, but I couldn't contemplate doing it without every single member of my family coming as well. As you can probably guess, it aint going to happen. This is where you live, he has already moved round the world and knew that when he met you he would be putting roots down here. If he wasn't happy to do so he should have gone back to NZ and not contemplated marrying someone from the UK.

Heated - when my mum dies I would have no family here to miss so I would find it easy to start anew. It's a long way to go from family. I think it is too easy to up-sticks these days as the "done thing" on the back of the belief that somehow the grass is always greener. I certainly don't believe that.

Janni - yes, exactly what I think. I feel so strongly about it I can say that I absolutely wouldn't leave my mum.

Xenia - I could do the part time thing with my job - but that wouldn't suit DP and it would be too difficult with schooling unfortunately. I'm quite well off, but not that well off if you know what I mean!

Yay Petetong . All I can say is yes, yes and yes.

Wonk, I think it is just pony and traps and bicycles and the like, but I am very adaptable

I have made my mind up, you are right. I was just wondering if I was just being stubborn (moi?) or if others understood. I don't think I am being stubborn and I think I have offered a suitable compromise. I will also tell him he is more than welcome to go I think. In repsect to the Relate thing, one can attend indefinitley but there is only so much you can gain from it. The counsellor had a rant at him last time we went, in that she saw that "winestein" has recognised some problems and made some adjustments as recognised by DP but shithead DP is unable to see it and unable to compromise - that being ok if that is how he wants to live his life (on his own) of course.

It could work, but not only with one side striving, but as I said to someone recently, kids make some decisions bloody difficult.

You can add or subtract words to make that last sentence make sense as you see fit dimwit emoticon

--dimwit emoticon

Ah, bugger it.

dimwit emoticon

grrrrrrrrrrr [pmsl]

Hm, I can see his point to though....after all if all his family is out there, including his mum, then it is just as natural for him to be wanting to be with them as it is for you to want to be with your mum....

Why not give it a try? If you hate it, then there is plenty of time for you all to move back to the UK before your little one starts school.
I know you say you are supporting your mum after loosing your dad (her hubbie and soulmate), but in the end she is a grown up, and can come to visit you the same as you can visit her...after all that is what you are asking your oh to put up with, those every otehr yearly visits....

BTW, I am talking as a german who left her family behind when marrying my British, now Ex Army, dh...we have been all over the place, but to me it was part of the parcel.....

Good luck with it. It sounds as though you need a child-free evening, a bottle of wine and a possibly painful conversation. Did he make any reference to what the Relate counsellor had to say or is he in denial about it?

I know what you mean about children making some decisions difficult. I'm not sure I'd still be with DP were it not for the children.

3andnomore - that is why I realised it was important for me to compromise and say we will have long holidays there... but it is not like I have ever moved around so it's not something that should be assumed that I would be willing to do. I was born and raised here - as was my son, and my DP has been here for 33 of his 40 years so there has been no previous suggestion - in fact around 8 years ago when I was offered a job on a plate he wouldn't go because of his health - and that, to me, is ok because it is a valid reason.

My mum is 74 and hasn't been a big traveller so she is not going to start globetrotting now. I wouldn't hate it there - I would only hate it if I had left my mum behind.

Well, I was born and raised in germany, all my family, bar my sister that I am not close to, are in germany....! I was a nurse in germany, my english was school english...I fell in love with my dh, and nothing was more important to me then to be where he is, where I can....him being army, we were obvioulsy seperated a lot of the time anywway...
if you think Holiday and long ones are that, are o.k. for him....why not for you, if turned around...?
And believe me, it was, at the time we moved from germany to england (dh and I met in Germany) very difficult, as my "stepfather" decided it was the right time to break up with my mum and file for divorced, after we had just spend x-mas with them, no one knew anything, until the day my dh and I arrived...same day he left my mum....
but at the end of the day, you can't live your life for anyone else....and why not give it a chance, at least? Maybe you will love it?

Not sure there is much else to say between us tbh Wonk, as he doesn't seem to get it. And I have already drunk the bottle of wine... (see typos)

Is it crap of me to take some consolation from your last sentence?

Winestein, you have to go with what is right for you. 3andnormore knew what she was getting in to, you married somebody who was settled in this country so it is different.

So, are tehre issues in your relationship anyway? If so, I suppose it's different, because when I took the step we were pretty much newlyweds...but I have not regretted it....however, there are times when I do get a little homesick and there are things I prefer the way they are done in Germany, but then....whenever I visit germany, there are as many things I start to miss about england...kinda no-mansland I am in, lol

Ah no, consolate away (no it's not a word). I often wish I had the gumption to make a proper decision one way or the other.

is it? I mean, I could have put my foot down and told dh, no sir, we stay in germany.....

3andnomore - I see what you are saying, and I really appreciate it. I think your story is fantastic and think your DH must love you very much. Sad to say, I think that as much as I wish it was, it is not my story.

You could have, but I am assuming that you knew that his job might take you away from Germany?

i don't think you're being selfish.

NZ ia much farther away than Continental Europe.

Winestine...obviously your issues are not so much down to him wanting to move countrys, but there are other issues, and that of course means it's very different....if you think your relationship is on the breakdown, it may well be better to stay where you settled....however, is there a chance that the relationship might become stronger with a new start?

as someone who asked her partner to emigrate to the other side of the world - I know I asked dh to give up a lot - secure job, his whole lifestyle and life.

We moved to Australia (I am an aussie) almost 4 years ago and have not looked back.

It depends what sort of life he is looking for and the future he sees for his child/ren.

I realise I asked dh to give up his family of origin for our family. Made even harder a couple of years ago when my fil was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and died in a matter of months. We needed to find money for two trips home in a short space of time. However that was agreed that if dh ever needed to get back to be with his family for some reason we would find the income.

Actually from my understanding the education system - especially in terms of early years in NZ is one of the best.

We do have a quality of life we would never have in the UK. We now have three children ( we had one and one on the way when we emigrated) I am able to be a sahm on dh's income. The frenetic work schedule that dh has gone. He is spending more time with the family. We certainly have a less stressful life. The girls are able to be outdoors all year round - they love being able to get out and about. They have access to good schools - and there is a greater freedom of choice with regards to schooling.

I realise it is a long way - but as your mum is retired - she would be able to spend long periods of time with you - perhaps 6 months in NZ and six months in the UK. You think she might not go for it BUT she might surprise you. She could even then go from NZ home via the US and see your brother.

Dh came on a spousal visa which made it easy - and dd1 had aussie citizenship by descent. Your dh would need to sort his NZ citizenship out as I could see the heart disease being a deal breaker. He would need to look at what sort of visa you could go in on and what it would mean.

At the moment it seems all talk - perhaps if you start investigating exactly what it would mean in terms of visas and cost - it may make it more real. I think then you could judge if he was serious about this or not.

I know dh knew that there would come a time that I would want to return and live in Australia - he saw it as part of marrying/being with me - the possibility that we would live in Aus. His mother saw it as inevitable - marry/be with someone not from the UK and there is a very real possibility they may want to live elsewhere.

It may not be about your mum etc - it may be about his family and feeling distant from them, wanting to be closer to them, it may be about his heart condition that makes him want this. It may just be that he is hankering for a change and thinks it could be a positive move for you as a family and for your child.

This is a long post - don't want to comment on the right or wrongs of behaviour - not my place to judge - just wanted to put ideas to you.

i'm an immigrant myself.

100% by choice.

i strongly advise anyone considering doing this - especially with distance like NZ - to NOT EVEN CONSIDER it unless they are 100% this is the right move for them, too.

sorry, but if you do this for someone else, even your own child, you are really smelting the iron rod for your own back.

it can be very trying at times, even in the best of times.

and if he is not willing to compromise, you need to see a marriage counsellor.

i have seen many, many relationships and marriages fall apart because of this.

because at the end of the day, unless both people are 100% behind it - and even then it can fall to pieces - i'd say about 8 times out of 10 someone's going to be very, very miserable.

and never, EVER go with the mentality, 'oh, well, if i don't like it i can just come back.'

easy enough when you're single.

when you have kids, it can be difficult or even impossible due to custody issues.

i know someone from NZ who has been stuck in Scotland because of her son. she's bursting at the seams, only has a couple more years till he turns 16 and then they're both off like shots. but for now, custody agreements mean they have to stay here.

that's how it goes.

sorry to see it like this, but hey ho, this is my life.

i chose this. i chose to come here and have a family here.

and so that means i need to suck it up at times.

so does he.