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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed with DP wanting me to move abroad and all but accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to?

95 replies

winestein · 18/04/2008 20:57

My dad died about 16 months ago leaving his soulmate, my mum, all on her onesome. My brother moved to America a few years ago and I am basically all that my mum has, and happy to repay all that she has given me over the previous years - I sort things out for her, and fix stuff where I can, and I am but an hour away. Every Saturday I take DS and the dog up and she loves both the routine and the company.

DP was born the other side of the world but has been here since he was two. He moved back for about 5 years between the ages of 19 and 24(ish) but has been back here since then (now 40). When his UK dad died, his NZ mum moved back to NZ - this was about 6 years ago - and now he is putting the pressure on me to move over there. He seems not to see the connection between my mum and myself and says that we aren't close (admittedly we aren't best friends, but we are close and I would do anything for her, as she would me where she can).

A few months ago DP said he felt sad about not seeing his mum and all his relations and I said we should go over there for holidays at least every other year. When speaking about this this evening he said he didn't want to go on holiday, that he wanted to move back and that he hated "this shithole" of a country and all of it's schools, no place for our son to be growing up etc etc etc and didn't see why I was so keen to stay. His reasons were my brother moved to the US and is still there and my mum is a bit odd. I admit my mum can be a bit odd, but she managed to hold it together after my dad died and I didn't think she would. She sometimes says the daftest things, but is that a reason to emigrate to the other side of the world?

I have said I would go were it not for my mum, so I don't think I am giving an outright "no" but this isn't good enough for DP. He says that he doesn't want to go when he is old and that he will need another operation for his heart soon (he has fairly severe congenital heart disease and this gives him a certain outlook on life).

I know what I think - but I want to know if I am being selfish or not. What do you think?

OP posts:

3andnomore · 19/04/2008 00:21

oh absolutely Quint....

dh and I sort of dream to maybe immigrate at one point (for some reason Canada keeps coming up...he loves Canada, and well, I like the idea of it, not that I have ever been)....but for us right now it's not an option anyway...

Original poster

winestein · 19/04/2008 00:24

Vaction is the thing though, isn't it Moony? You come home from vacation - wherever you have made home.

OP posts:

moondog · 19/04/2008 00:25

Yes Wine.
I love being in all places but ultimately I want to be home speaking Welsh with my children in a Welsh speaking school (maybe as direct result of nomadic childhood?)

3andnomore · 19/04/2008 00:27

but you cna make home anywhere, wine!
Have you actually been to NZ? If yes, did you lke it htere, did you hate it?
If you haven't been...any chance you could first go for an extendet prolonged holiday?

Also, you mentioned you are the main earner....how would your job prospects be over in NZ?

Original poster

winestein · 19/04/2008 00:33

I think things become important to people through all manner of things and the only really important part of that is that they just are (if that makes any sense whatsoever).

Probably not, and on that note of cod-psychology I am orf to retire to my boudoir. Thank you one and all for your input. I really do appreciate it.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/04/2008 00:35

oh, no, you most certainly cannot make your home anywhere.

some people definitely cannot.

others can.

but it is not true for everyone.

3andnomore · 19/04/2008 00:36

lol...but then, it's obviously important for your oh to go to NZ....hm...
but yeah...bed sounds good....past midnight...shock

3andnomore · 19/04/2008 00:37

expat...that would explain the many breakups there are in the army....like I said, I possible am just a bit simple,lol...hence it never really been a problem for us...

expatinscotland · 19/04/2008 00:39

it really and truly doesn't work for some personalities.

i've seen it time and time again.

there have even been people on here who went with their husband for a job move and they have been beyond miserable, for many different reasons.

eidsvold · 19/04/2008 00:39

weinstein - might be easy for him - but what about the rest of you. Perhaps when he sees the work that will be needed - you may see if he really means it.

Original poster

winestein · 19/04/2008 00:40

Ok - one last word...

I easily make home 3andnomore. I feel very few ties. I don't know how to describe why - I think I am a bit different because of being adopted. I think there is a difference with how adopted people relate to others and places.

Job prospects great - I have been offered jobs out there before so no problem there. I haven't been but would love to go on holiday. I would up sticks and live there if my mum were not here, DP relationship aside.

It's just not right, right now.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/04/2008 00:42

and moving to a place you've never been to before, when it's that far away is insanity.

3andnomore · 19/04/2008 00:43

I have to agree with expat....if you have never been there , then it would be a bad idea just for that reason alone.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/04/2008 00:44

Why not go on a long holiday, see if you like it, and research a little. Find out what the job situation really would be, find out about schools for your kids, etc, and just get some more information?

You cannot leave everything behind to go somewhere you have never been before?

Moving a family overseas is not done at the drop of a hat. We worked bloody hard for 3 months to prepare the move, my dh is still in London finalizing things, my oldest has had his second week in the new school already. There is a lot to deal with, and a lot to take it. It would have to be a long term plan, right?

Original poster

winestein · 19/04/2008 00:50

ok, the last final word then...

If my mum was not here I would not be leaving anything behind that I could not replace. Even of adopted children the saying "you only have one mum" is true. I have friends out there and I have a family who have adopted me and my son...

I need sleep....

OP posts:

Original poster

winestein · 19/04/2008 00:51

Although I have to agree with what you say Expat - insanity it probably is.

OP posts:

Janni · 19/04/2008 01:05

I did a degree in modern languages. I could, very easily, have made a home in either France or Germany. I decided not to because it was too important to me to have English as my mother tongue and to
live where my cultural references were.

Partners really need to be upfront with each other about where 'home' can be, otherwise there will be no end of problems.

eidsvold · 19/04/2008 11:13

call me insane - expat I moved from Aus to the UK in the space of four weeks - hadn't even thought about it and then just decided to move to the UK to work, resigned job next day, worked two week's notice, sorted out renting house, said goodbye to my mum and off I went to England. I knew no one.

hecate · 19/04/2008 11:29

you're not being selfish for wanting to stay but equally, he is not being selfish for wanting to go. You just feel differently. He is as entitled to want to go to be close to his relatives as you are to want to stay to be close to your mum. This is going to be a tough one for you to work out. Who matters more - his mother or your mother? Or you as a couple? It is a very tough choice for you. Hope it works out ok. xx

expatinscotland · 19/04/2008 13:08

were you single, eids? because that makes all the difference.

i came here without knowing anyone, although i had visited once.

but with a family? completely different story, especially if the kids are school-age.

also, this is about the OPs fundamental happiness as a person, too.

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