To want to talk about donor conception

[bornleafy]

Me and my DH took the decision to use a sperm donor a couple of years ago, after severe male factor infertility and exhausting other options (IVF/ ICSI).

It was quite difficult for us to come to terms with at first, especially for my DH, but also for me. But we wouldn't have had much hope of having a child without it. We pressed on, had a lot of conversations, and we both ultimately decided it was right for us.

I've been reading forums online where people are saying that they just would never use a donor, and therefore will remain childless.

I completely respect this choice, and I know there are ethical considerations around using donors, telling children, etc. We've been through a lot of counselling and will 100% be talking to our child about this from a very early age, and using a donor who is happy to be contacted.

For me and DH, I am just so grateful that this exists as an option, because it means that we can (hopefully) have a much longed for child.

I'm not sure what my question is.. I guess I'm just interested on opinions/ thoughts from people about why it is so difficult to accept using a donor, to the extent that people would remain childless rather than use a donor?

(Again, I'm not judging this at all - just interested to discuss/ understand others perspectives - especially if you are donor conceived or have used a donor to conceive).

Please be kind - this has been a difficult journey for me and DH.

DH and I went as far as we could to have our own child. Issues on both sides and neither of us wanted to use donor eggs or sperm. It just didn’t feel right. I have ethical concerns about donor eggs both from the donor viewpoint and the child’s viewpoint. We remained childless, built a good life and don’t have any regrets about not going down the donor route.

@KimberleyClark Thanks for responding. I am glad to hear you built a good life and don't have any regrets.

I wonder if you'd feel comfortable elaborating on why it didn't feel right?

I had ethical concerns as well, but after doing a lot of research, I believe that we can deal with it in a healthy way and still give a child a very good life with parents who love them, so they weren't enough to put me off.

I think there can be all kinds of reasons, from ethical through to concern about the unknown (you only ever know as much as the donor has chosen to share with the clinic) to not being prepared to raise a non-bio child - I think the latter is particularly true of many men, who don’t form a bond with a baby through being pregnant and worry they might never bond with “someone else’s” child.

I’ve donated eggs so I don’t have an ethical opposition as such, however, I’ve always been very clear that I’ve no particular interest in getting to know the child/ren conceived using my eggs if they came to find me as adults - which ultimately could have an impact on them if they were keen to, and therefore I suppose falls into the category of ethics.

I have concerns about all kinds of donations to create new people based on the issues it can give (and has given) a lot of children. For example, there are web sites where people try to find their donor dads when the only thing they know is that they were called "N346" and they were conceived in X location. (It is still not a requirement in all countries that children are allowed to learn about their biological origin sadly.)

One thing I read about telling children that they are donor conceived seemed to be a good tip: it suggested that you start telling the child immediately, ie as a baby, in appropriate language, so that you never have to decide on when to tell them. A couple in a documentary was interviewed and they had used a donor sperm. The dad said that he'd talked about it to his child from day 1, saying eg 'we got help having you, we got a seed from someone' and then this was expanded on. Worked well for them and their child always knew.

I do not have any children.

@apprenticeison Yes you are right. I know about those websites too and how there are many people who are damaged by not being able to find their donor.

I guess I am hoping that because we chose a donor who has clearly stated he is open to talking to any children born - and we are of course supportive of that too and will not be keeping any secrets - we're hoping it will be OK.

I feel very strongly that egg donation and embryo donation exploits vulnerable and desperate women (it should be called selling because women are given discounts in the UK, or in other countries like the US, it's for-profit where agencies charge intended parents and pay women) - so I strongly judge anyone who goes that route.

However, no man suffers physically from selling his sperm, so I don't see it as exploitation, however, if any man (especially if they were young) asked my advice if he should do this, I'd caution him not to because it might be very difficult to know you have a child out there you have no opportunity to check on or know. So, you might want to consider why a man chooses to donate.

The other criticism against donor gametes is the child you're creating on purpose to not know their biological parent. So, this is something you'll need to consider as your child should have a right to know their origins, including his/her extended family, much like open adoption does. I would try to look at male gamete donations from a child-centered point of view and make your decisions based on that, not on personal desires.

Our younger child (now 9) was conceived with egg donation. We also have an older child. We thought very carefully before going ahead with treatment with donor eggs and I can only say I love them both as much as each other (and they annoy me sometimes as much as each other too).

We’ve always followed the Donor Conception Network advice to talk about it with our child from the start so both our children have always known. As do close family. We stayed in the U.K. for treatment so they’ll have the option of getting the donor’s details when they’re older (it was an anonymous donor so we don’t know her).

The future will always be unknown and our child could have struggles related to being donor conceived or resent us in the future. But that’s a chance we’ve taken and my husband was always confident that they’d ultimately be glad to exist.

Our donor was already a mother so that was a factor in believing she was making an informed decision to donate. And as I say we had treatment in the U.K. where everything is regulated by the HFEA.

I'm 40 and as it stands, childless with donor sperm as a single woman being my only option. I can't reconcile myself with this route and my own personal values. As painful as it is I've decided to take the emotional hit and grieve the fact that kids most likely are not in my future. It IS unbearably painful, but from a psychological perspective it seems like the lesser of two evils as I wouldn't want to treat a child like a commodity (that can be "bought" for my own selfish need) nor would I want them to experience the complication of being intentionally deprived of a relationship with their biological father. I also don't have family that could raise a child if something happened to me so that all felt too unfair/precarious too.

No judgement of women who chose differently. I just couldn't go ahead with it myself and this decision is painful but 100% right for my conscience.

@Delphinium20 Thanks for the post. I must admit I know very little about egg/ embryo donation, so that is interesting.

We're very aware as potential parents of looking at the child's perspective. We are in a good position emotionally, physically, socially, financially, to give a child an excellent life - which I think is more than many parents can say. Our child would definitely have a better childhood than either of us did in terms of material things and also stable, socially/ emotionally available parents.

I suppose I feel there is compromise in everyone's life, and this will be a thing that we as a family have to deal with. But on the other hand, our child will not have to deal with an unstable home life, financial worries, lack of family or social support, etc.

You are brave to bring this to Aibu OP. Mumsnet is generally anti gamete donation and a lot of people have very strong and very judgemental/ negative opinions about it. I hope it won’t distress you too much when these posters inevitably arrive. Put your hard hat on!!

But YANBU, there are all sorts of ways to create a family . As long as you are honest with your children right from the start, it will just become part of who they are like anything in life. Good on you and your husband for doing what works for you and good luck xx

Be much easier if we were like Mr Potato head
"My uterus is no use to me but it works well so here you go"
Although I've just found out mine is full of endo so a bit late now!

♥️

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry for your grief. This is the kind of response I was hoping for and I can understand your perspective, although it must be terribly difficult. Good on you for making the right decision for you.

Haha thank you, I have already got a mental list of posts i won't be replying to (e.g, those along the lines of "why don't you just adopt")

I just thought I'd get more responses as the donor conception board is really not all that active.

Thanks for your kind words.

Thank you for your kind words but I feel I have to point out, I don't think it is the right decision for me. Having a child honestly would take away so much of my pain - I never wanted anything more than to be a mother and think I would have been a good one.

But it's my own belief (accepting others will completely disagree) that it's what's in the best interests of a child.

I understand. I suppose the right decision for your potential child is the right one for you as well, ultimately, even though it is painful. This must be so hard for you and many could not to do it, I really respect your choice.

As the saying goes - you love them so much that you never had them. I heard that from a close friend who won't have children (unrelated to infertility - they are concerned about climate change factors and the state of the world - which is a whole other debate I guess!)

Thanks for understanding - yes I really relate to your friend's saying. And I do often tell myself that maybe it's for the best climate/world affairs wise, especially recently. But hopefully things will improve with the world before too long.

Wishing you the very best with your own journey x

IMBC - both (!!! Just had my 12 week scan!!!!) of my children are DC.

I knew I would be a better mum solo so I feel it’s my duty to parent the best I can if I’m going to bring children into this world. Failing asexual reproduction, DC was the way forward. I also knew I had the capacity to bring up my children in a loving , nurturing, creative and happy home so I was bringing them into a ‘good life’

My children have known since they were in the womb that they are DC. We talk about it in a child friendly way and it’s something we talk about loudly and proudly. My donors have amazing backgrounds and I think it’s something to be excited about.

i know several women who regret their choice of ‘baby daddy’ and so there’s absolutely no guarantee that a marriage or long term relationship is going mean that the child ends up with the sort of dad the mum would have hoped for. The only person I would have had children with ended up having a significant mental health crisis and turned into a completely different and unsafe person - while I would have 1000% at the time have told you I was making the right decision and had been in a relationship with him for 13yrs at that point , I’m incredibly glad i dodged that bullet!!

Im a bit sad I couldn’t use the same donor for both - and I have reservations about the potential number of siblings. But those are discussions for when they are older- particularly as I’m hoping there will be some changes to legislation by then so they can have greater access to information.

i am a therapist so I feel I’m very well equipped to deal with things therapeutically and thankfully have lots of connections for good therapists if they feel they want to talk to someone when they are older.

I'm 33/40 pregnant and with an IV pregnancy using donor sperm. I'm really open about it. UK law means if you do it legitimately then the child gets to find out their donor's name and details when they grow up. There are also books aimed at children about. My child will know about their donor who gave mummy a gift so she could them from before they can talk. It will be part of them, not a big secret.
I imported sperm from an EU sperm bank where I could get a bit more information, I have baby photos, a sketch of him as an adult and a letter from him to any children he conceives. He still meets UK criteria for identity release. This was important to me, as it gives my child more info about him.

All families are different, some have 2 mummies, some a mummy and a daddy, some just one parent, some a grandparent.

I've decided not to have a child as I'm autistic and don't want to pass that on and for me I just can't come to terms with the idea of using donor eggs and sperm. I have never met my biological father and it was so, so difficult to deal with as a child and I just don't think I could cope with my child going through the same thing as I did, knowing that I intentionally put them in that position. I acknowledge that part of this difficulty is because my family never allowed me to speak openly about my father and I also acknowledge that a great number of children in my position don't care at all but for me this is the right decision.

Also to add that while I recognise there’s no father figure - im incredibly lucky to have such a fantastic support network round me so she has lots of uncles and aunties. Speaking to families in more traditional set ups, I think she actually has a closer relationship to the wider family than most of her friends . Yes , it’s a loss - but it’s also a huge gain for both her and my wider family/friends.

in terms of selfishness- yes? However, reproduction is - there are families who have children when they can’t afford them, families who bringing children into unhappy relationships, we’re all destroying the world answering a reproductive need … however I can confidently say my children are absolutely loved beyond measure. They have been brought into life by a mum who has gone through an incredible amount to bring them there and is completely dedicated to making their lives magic.

I used a donor egg due because despite being with DH for nearly 20 years we didn’t decide until very late on that we wanted to have a child.

We took the decision not to tell anyone and other than DH and I not a single person has any idea our DC was born as a result of egg donation. DC looks like my DH so nobody queries it. We didn’t even tell our parents.

It worked well for us. We have the most wonderful DC and to be honest we don’t give it a second thought. We are a very happy family.

Good luck with your journey.

I wouldn't do it unless I could be really clear with your child why it is a positive thing.

It is all very well saying 'we will always tell the child' but as a parent I can tell you that you won't want to impose awkward discussions on your child. Unless you can explain to your child in a way that it is easy for them to process I really wouldnt do it. Its a huge burden for a child to carry.

Why is it awkward? Do you mean explaining how babies are made- that shouldn’t be awkward, especially if you are a parent!! Honestly think it’s probably less awkward for my kid to think about some genetic material in a Petri dish than having to realize that dad put his penis in mum’s vagina repeatedly if we are going to be blunt about it!

and how is it a huge burden?! I’d love to hear how you talk about kids of abusive fathers…