To want to talk about donor conception

[bornleafy]

Me and my DH took the decision to use a sperm donor a couple of years ago, after severe male factor infertility and exhausting other options (IVF/ ICSI).

It was quite difficult for us to come to terms with at first, especially for my DH, but also for me. But we wouldn't have had much hope of having a child without it. We pressed on, had a lot of conversations, and we both ultimately decided it was right for us.

I've been reading forums online where people are saying that they just would never use a donor, and therefore will remain childless.

I completely respect this choice, and I know there are ethical considerations around using donors, telling children, etc. We've been through a lot of counselling and will 100% be talking to our child about this from a very early age, and using a donor who is happy to be contacted.

For me and DH, I am just so grateful that this exists as an option, because it means that we can (hopefully) have a much longed for child.

I'm not sure what my question is.. I guess I'm just interested on opinions/ thoughts from people about why it is so difficult to accept using a donor, to the extent that people would remain childless rather than use a donor?

(Again, I'm not judging this at all - just interested to discuss/ understand others perspectives - especially if you are donor conceived or have used a donor to conceive).

Please be kind - this has been a difficult journey for me and DH.

I personally despise this attitude. A woman getting paid for her eggs could be a life changing thing for her while it changes the lives of recipients. It could pay off crippling debt, help a young woman finish university, or help a struggling mother pay bills. How DARE you be on your high horse saying women should not be compensated for this very beautiful gift of life they give to another? A win/win situation where a donor and a recipient both have their lives improved is good for everyone. It’s absolute shit that UK and EU governments think they have a right to limit compensation for such an important act.

But the money being life changing means that some women may do this because they need the money.

Having your biological child raised by someone else is a huge decision, and women should not be in a position where they are motivated to do it out of financial necessity.

I'm a mum to a (known) donor conceived child and am aware that being a egg or sperm donor is a lifetime commitment - committing to be there should the child have any questions about their origin/why you donated when they grow up. If the 'win' for the egg donor is a shit tonne of cash, they may well not have thought the donation through, and be equipped for what may come 20 years down the line. There's no win for the child if donors are financially motivated.

I am the mother of a donor conceived child and decided to have him when I was still single in my late 30s. I have friends who don’t have kids because they were single and never found the one, friends who were widowed leaving them with small children and friends who have to deal with a terrible coparenting relationship.

My DS has always known he is donor conceived, has read the letter the donor has written, knows (thanks to the HFEA) that he has 2 half-brothers born around the same time as he was through his donor’s sperm and that his donor has 2 children of his own.

He has always seen this as a gift. The donor gave him the gift of life and me the gift of having and knowing my DS. He is well adjusted, bright, happy and, apart from the usual pre-teen strops, we have a great time together. I am, and have always been able to more than support one child on my own but now also have a partner who we live with, with daughters of his own that DS gets on well with and while a blended family brings challenges of its own, he is benefiting from those relationships as well.

I honestly believe the life he is living is as good as anything I could have given him in most other conception circumstances, and better than many. I believe we will always remain a strong unit, we spend time together, go on holiday as the two of us, have fun.

I appreciate he will never know a father-son relationship with his donor but neither do so many other children and he has men in his life (my partner, his uncles and my father) who are strong role models and I am a strong independent woman and I believe that is just as important.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying it is without challenges for some but, to date, we have experienced no more than any other family. I don’t judge anyone for the decisions they take but genuinely believe that any decision to have a child is fundamentally selfish and about the parent and not the child. All anyone can ever do is their best and that is all I am trying to do.

I completely understand your decision op, and I don't know what DH and i would have done in your position (for me personally I'd have really struggled with childlessness) but i struggle with some of the issues with donation.

You hear about these prolific sperm donors who have hundreds of bio kids.

For some reason I find it discomfiting the idea of my DC having hundreds of bio siblings we don't know etc.

On the egg side a lot of women who can't afford ivf end up egg sharing who probably would rather not if they had any choice. Plus there are vulnerable women doing it for money etc in some parts of the world.

I personally could not ever donate gametes, I could not cope with my bio kids being out there and not under my roof.

Hope you don’t mind me asking this, but have you/will you ever tell your son about his potential siblings? Feel free to ignore if you don’t wish to answer.

As a parent of a now (just) adult donor conceived, it has worked well for us. My DH has a genetic condition, so we used donor sperm.
We have always been open about using donor sperm and started when our child was about 18months. The story was much loved.
We made contact with the donor via our clinic, and now have a light email relationship. My kid has seen photos of bio paternal grandparents, asked a few questions and curiosity is filled. No actual meeting wanted!

Our kid is surprisingly well balanced ( for a teen!!) and loves to share their unusual start in life.

I definately think openess and honesty help. DH is dad and sperm donor is " sperm donor"

I thought way more about issues before my kid was born, than after.
Im not impressed by the judgemental people on here, but people judge others over so much, especially on an internet forum.

🧟‍♀️ Zombie thread 🧟‍♂️

What age are you planning on telling DC?

You clearly don't give a damn about that woman because:

1. she's never been a mother and has NO IDEA what it can mean to give away a child
2. the paltry sum given to women who sell their eggs wouldn't cover a semester's tuition in many countries.
3. The selfishness of the commissioning parents means they overlook the facts that egg retrieval can put that woman at risk of endometriosis, infertility, ovarian cancer.

I despise anyone who plays loose with young women's futures and creates warped justifications for exploiting their bodies. If you are so willing to justify commodifying women's bodies, a young woman could make more money in less time with fewer health risks if she worked a strip club for a month or did a few OnlyFans videos.

As someone who has had IVF (unsuccessfully) I know what an egg donor goes through and it is not anything I could ask someone else to do for me.

The vast majority do it as part of their own IVF treatment to get a discount.