To want to talk about donor conception

[bornleafy]

Me and my DH took the decision to use a sperm donor a couple of years ago, after severe male factor infertility and exhausting other options (IVF/ ICSI).

It was quite difficult for us to come to terms with at first, especially for my DH, but also for me. But we wouldn't have had much hope of having a child without it. We pressed on, had a lot of conversations, and we both ultimately decided it was right for us.

I've been reading forums online where people are saying that they just would never use a donor, and therefore will remain childless.

I completely respect this choice, and I know there are ethical considerations around using donors, telling children, etc. We've been through a lot of counselling and will 100% be talking to our child about this from a very early age, and using a donor who is happy to be contacted.

For me and DH, I am just so grateful that this exists as an option, because it means that we can (hopefully) have a much longed for child.

I'm not sure what my question is.. I guess I'm just interested on opinions/ thoughts from people about why it is so difficult to accept using a donor, to the extent that people would remain childless rather than use a donor?

(Again, I'm not judging this at all - just interested to discuss/ understand others perspectives - especially if you are donor conceived or have used a donor to conceive).

Please be kind - this has been a difficult journey for me and DH.

From the other side - my husband has donated sperm recently. We have our own kids and he decided to do it in order to help other people have kids too.

We did of course discuss it first and are both fine with the idea of young adults getting in touch in the future.

There were a lot of tests, discussions and appointments involved, but obviously much more straightforward than egg donation! If that were easier I'd have done it myself.

Please tell your husband what an incredibly wonderful life-saving and creating thing he did ! What a glorious hero of a man ♥️♥️♥️

same - I wanted to be an egg donor but sadly my eggs are not a fan of being fertilised!

Isn’t that a lot of pressure on your child as they have to keep a huge part of themselves a secret from everybody?

It's a hugely personally decision and what's right for some people won't be right for others.

I can't have children but have a very high AMH & good quality eggs. Given, I can't use them, I enquired about donating them (I was in my mid 30s do they wouldn't allow it) so I don't subscribe to the notion that it's an exploitation of women. I know others how donated for personal reasons too and very willingly.

I might be oversimplying it but I think a child needs love, shelter, support and safeguarding. There are a hell of a lot of natural concieved children who don't have that. How a child is loved and cared for will always be more important that how a child is concieved in my opinion.

I wanted my husband’s child and he wanted mine.

Please understand I’m not judging you for going down the donor route. You do what is right for you.

I hope you’ve told your DC though?

I think the main ethical objections to sperm donation are child-centred, given the relatively low physical cost to men in donating. While I accept that no family is perfect, I think that intentionally depriving a child of a biological parent is deeply problematic. I think co-parenting with the donor/biological father is more ethical from the child’s point of view though obviously more difficult for the parents.

Our DC doesn’t know as they are far too young.

It really isn’t something we give a second thought to now. We’re not hugely close to other family members so doesn’t feel like we’re hiding some huge secret. I think a lot of people make it out to be a far bigger issue than it is.

'I suppose I feel there is compromise in everyone's life, and this will be a thing that we as a family have to deal with.'

Might be a compromise for you but what about the child? Most of your posts op are about how you will deal with it, not any issues your child may have with it.

I rarely read thoughtful comments from parents using donors about consideration for the child - it's usually about them and their feelings and how they'll 'deal with it'.

I wouldn't create a human and intentionally deprive them of their biological parent.

Have you read studies into sperm donation and its effects - how the children feel the donor is very much their father, how fathers of children created from the sperm of another man feel differently towards the child compared to biological fathers... There are some studies, mainly American I think when I was researching.

I chose to remain childless as opposed to use a donor after many IVF rounds with a partner. I have my personal ethical and moral codes and they far override my ultimately selfish desire for a child. I couldn't do it to someone.

I recommend the Facebook group donor conceived best practises and considerations

I'd also recommend reading the posts of a donor conceived child on the donor boards. Their posts are heartbreaking about the effect it has had on them. But it's an uncomfortable truth donor parents won't want to acknowledge

After a successful round of IVF, we found ourselves with four embryos that we kept paying to store year after year. 99% sure we’d never use but couldn’t let them go. We’ve now donated them to couples who desperately want children. No financial gain at all as suggested by some of these posts, only a lifetime of questions and wonders, and we are open to being contacted in the future. We have our beautiful little boy and because of health issues really couldn’t chance another and our family was complete the day we found out it had all worked and how we cherish our little soul.

The advice is to start telling them before they can even understand, so that it is something normal to them from before they can even remember.

This is not meant to be barbed whatsoever, but hopefully you are not entertaining not telling your DC at all, because with DNA testing so widely available it’s not a secret you have any control over. And it will massively mess them up finding out like that.

As an aside, while the HFEA has regulations regarding family size limit, that only applies to the UK and there is a scandal where clinics are selling material abroad where there are no such regulations. Donor children can still end up with a very large amount of siblings.

Offensive nonsense.

i knew I would be a better solo parent than I would either in a relationship or in a co-parenting situation . Should I deprive my children of having the best possible version of me as a mum (which I can control) to have some (imagined) father figure who may or may not be up to scratch (which I can’t ) ?

i see co-parents run themselves ragged to meet the needs/stresses/pitfalls of their co-parent while I get to invest all my energy in my child and be the best version of myself. I think it would be more problematic to say ‘meh - I could be a fantastic mum but I’ll settle as a mediocre mum to meet some societal ideal’ (holding in mind the ‘ knowing your biological father /co- parenting model’ is by no means a global parenting approach. I find the idea of accepting this Eurocentric model as best simply because it’s what I am familiar with deeply problematic )

in saying that , of course when they are old enough (they don’t get the information until they are sixteen/eighteen at the moment which I agree is problematic but that’s out of my control - I’d give it to them earlier if i could) I will fully support them meeting and exploring a relationship with their donor and any donor siblings . If the donor are comfortable to meet me, I’d love to thank them for the absolute unbelievable privilege of becoming my children’s mum .

I'm donor conceived. I agree the child should be raised knowing they were donor conceived. I was told at 15, by my dad and stepmum who I lived with, and that was definitely the wrong timing.

Being donor conceived is a non issue for me. I barely think about it. I'm old enough that my donor had the right to remain anonymous, so I did a 23 and me out of interest but it didn't dig anything up, so I've left it at that. I view my donor as a person who gave me an incredible gift, nothing more, nothing less.

@Dream2762 children should be told while they're very young so they grow up always having known with their origins normalised rather than a big reveal. TBH it sounds like you don't have any intention of ever telling anyone?

Different situation but I had DS through a one night stand with a waste of space. A lot more to it but DS knew age appropriate details all throughout his life.

I agree that it appears to be a bigger issue for those who have never been part of it than those who have.

The notion, as expressed in offensive terms by an earlier poster, that parents who use donor eggs and/or sperm are somehow selfish is nonsense. If anything the fact that parents were willing to pay and go through the process shows just how wanted the child is.

Neither DH and I are close to our families so not really anyone to tell who would be interested to be honest. I don’t think anyone knows we even used IVF let alone a donor.

@Dream2762 are you going to tell your child?

YANBU - your choice.
Wife and I used a sperm donor, I could give a shiny shit about what anyone else thinks of that, quite frankly! IRL I find that no-one else really cares or has an opinion either, at least not anyone we care about anyway.
Show me that your relationship, partner and kids are perfect, then you can judge…

I would have concerns but if I wanted a child and there was no other way I would go for it. And I agree with the poster who said she didn't tell anyone. Best way.

Our children will find out their donor details at 18c if they choose do, which I assume they will. Which we fully support and agree with.

I couldn’t do it. We couldn’t justify doing it so we didn’t do it. I thought we weren’t going to be able to have children because I felt so strongly about this. But we were able to use known donors, who are a big part of our lives and will always be known to our children as their biological fathers, no secrets, no waiting, no searching. Always known and always enabling their development within the context of a real relationship… not just an abstract idea/ unknown entity until they turn 16 or 18 etc.

If we hadn’t had this option I wouldn’t have opted for an unknown donor. I would have given up my dream of having a family. Which would have been soul destroying for me, as I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

I know many people who have bought anonymous sperm and conceived that way- people I love and in all other ways truly respect. I don’t tell them what I think. But I don’t think it’s ethical. I couldn’t do it. I’m their Mum, I couldn’t do that to them.

I really liked that quote you mentioned- about loving them so much that I didn’t have them.

I don’t know how to reconcile all this. I want to have a different answer. I wish I could feel differently about it. I don’t think people who choose this are bad, just blinded by their own dreams.

I wish you, your family and your child(ren) the best possible outcomes.

I’m not interested in winning a debate. I want to be positive and kind. I just can’t find a way to justify using anonymous sperm.

I feel like if I did, I’d be prioritising my own desires over the well-being of my children. I’d feel like I’ve lost everything that matters about being a mother, before they’d even been born.

I’m a therapist too.