To want to talk about donor conception

[bornleafy]

Me and my DH took the decision to use a sperm donor a couple of years ago, after severe male factor infertility and exhausting other options (IVF/ ICSI).

It was quite difficult for us to come to terms with at first, especially for my DH, but also for me. But we wouldn't have had much hope of having a child without it. We pressed on, had a lot of conversations, and we both ultimately decided it was right for us.

I've been reading forums online where people are saying that they just would never use a donor, and therefore will remain childless.

I completely respect this choice, and I know there are ethical considerations around using donors, telling children, etc. We've been through a lot of counselling and will 100% be talking to our child about this from a very early age, and using a donor who is happy to be contacted.

For me and DH, I am just so grateful that this exists as an option, because it means that we can (hopefully) have a much longed for child.

I'm not sure what my question is.. I guess I'm just interested on opinions/ thoughts from people about why it is so difficult to accept using a donor, to the extent that people would remain childless rather than use a donor?

(Again, I'm not judging this at all - just interested to discuss/ understand others perspectives - especially if you are donor conceived or have used a donor to conceive).

Please be kind - this has been a difficult journey for me and DH.

So you used a donor too.
Until you walk in someone else’s shoes you can never know what you would and wouldn’t do.

You said what I was trying to say, far better than I managed as I feel as you do. In your shoes, I would have done the same. And I am also a (childrens') therapist.

And does that go for the approx 1m children in the U.K. who have zero contact with their biological fathers, or the 3.1 million U.K. children being raised in single parent households, mainly by mothers?
Or is it just the few couples who have used sperm donation that you have issue with?

I have 2 dc who were conceived naturally but it took a long time and we debated various fertility options. For me I decided early on that any donor option was not something I wanted. It's an entirely selfish thing, but I wanted our child to be genetically related to us, despite our older age and risk of certain conditions. I feel a huge part of the connection I have with my dcs comes from the fact that they have so many features of mine and DH, both in looks and personality. And there's a personal satisfaction in passing my genes on.

If we couldnt have conceived without donor help I think we would have drawn a line there and opted not to have children at all. I have never been so desperate for a baby that I would have tried all options. I don't think we would have even have tried IVF (because the chances of success seemed slim, as we would have been quite old). I would have just accepted things weren't to be and continued with my child-free life.

@Blouseybiggal if you’re asking me, Yes. We did. We used known donors. That’s the bit I can’t justify- using an unknown sperm donor.

It’s been a lot more complex for us as adults. It’s been a lot more expensive. It’s been harder on our bodies.

But when we thought this wasn’t an option, we agreed not to have kids.

Then it became an option and everything changed. So I do know what I would have chosen if this hadn’t been an option.

It’s been a really really tough time but I couldn’t do something that I couldn’t justify in my own mind.

i would be curious to know the age of these donor conceived individuals- assuming they are online forums they must be 20s and up? I feel like best practice for parenting donor conceived children has changed dramatically in that time and I hope that leads to better outcomes for our children. I don’t want to diminish their lived experience in anyway but I wonder how much insight this can provide when things have changed so much? things like social acceptance to accessing therapy has changed markedly over the past few years, awareness of ART, or the rich variety and visibility of families that make up our communities (eg my little one has friends with two mummies, trans parents, traditional families, solo parent families, families by adoption … so our family set up doesn’t feel particularly unique in anyway )

i obviously want to learn from their experiences and ensure that I don’t replicate things for my child - while being grateful that so much has changed.

This is the problem I have. I just can’t compare the two- they aren’t a fair comparison.

People having accidental pregnancies, splitting up, or a partner dying, any kind of accidental or unfortunate circumstance etc, leaving a child without one or both of their parents… they’re all unintentional. They weren’t meticulously planned to be that way.

It feels different when I am considering intentionally creating a situation where someone has an absent biological mother or father.

It’s like comparing the loss of a mother or father through adoption to anonymous donation. Adoption happens after tragedy strikes. Not when someone decides to create the separation, in order to have the child.

I don’t want to justify my actions on the basis that other people have done worse. I want to be able to say I chose this carefully because I truly believe it was the best option.

But please, don’t think I derive any satisfaction or joy in saying this. I’m just being honest about why I’ve done what I’ve done.

I guess you could argue that what I’ve done is also not the best possible option. Therefore I shouldn’t have done it. We did come close to not having our family at all.

I don’t doubt you’ve done everything with the very best of intentions.

I have my wonderful baby lying on my chest as I type this - conceived using a donor egg.

After a longish journey we discovered I had endometriosis and my ovaries were basically fucked.

It was a hard decision and I've had some wobbles wishing I'd been able to have a child that was mine genetically but I couldn't love this little mite more. I've not made it a secret he's from a donor egg, I wouldn't be able to keep track of who I'd told. And I don't think it's a big deal, it was a voluntary donation.

He couldn't be more perfect.

Good luck.

Having ANY child is a selfish decision. We have them because WE want a child not because the child decides to be born. Having DC children in my life, it is important that they know the origins from the beginning. Their baby book looks a bit different. And they don’t see it as a big deal. Secrets are what destroys people. The stories from adult donor conceived people I’ve read, it’s the bombshell of finding out later in life and/or a DNA test returning an unexpected result. I think it’s imperative to have the ability to contact the donor if they want to. And to ensure that there are limits around how many families a donor can assist (there are some early horror stories of potentially hundreds of half siblings). Your child will be just that - your child. Love, care and stability are the basis of a successful adult. You should be offered counselling. Take it to make sure you and your husband have explored all your emotions.

Please please tell your child asap- before they are old enough to understand , you should normalise this for them. You may not think it’s a big deal, but it can come as a huge shock to older children/ people who aren’t told as young children to learn their genetic origins aren’t what they thought they were. It can be really traumatic . Please read some of the advice on this- you have to understand your DC’s perspective may be different to your own.

I can give you the perspective of the child in this situation - however in my case I was conceived through egg donation and surrogacy in the mid 1990s but effectively a similar situation to you in that your potential child would be yours from birth but just living with one biological parent and one non-biological parent.

There was SO much stigma for my parents at the time and whilst they didn’t handle it well (I wasn’t raised with the knowledge of my parentage and there were even articles written about my parents suggesting they were buying a child) I can honestly say I had a wonderful childhood and was so loved and wanted.

Whilst my mum is of no biological relation to me and I did not grow in her womb, I loved her immeasurably and whilst at times I longed to be biologically hers we were very close and bonded. She raised me from when I was days old and was my mother in every way it counts.

If your husband is a loving, attuned, involved father to your child from the moment of his or her birth the fact that they don’t share a biological connection will not matter in the grand scheme of things. A parent - child bond is so much more than biology and to suggest otherwise is so deeply offensive to me and to many other families.

Of course this doesn’t mean biological connection doesn’t mean anything at all - but if you and your husband are able to guide your child through any difficult questions or emotional distress they have about being donor conceived then your child will likely be absolutely fine about it and just happy they had parents willing to to whatever it takes to make a family.

I’m also 100% with you on being fed up with people telling you to adopt - adoption is way more complicated and difficult than using donor egg or sperm. You shouldn’t have to justify why that will not be your path to parenthood.

‘** if you’re asking me, Yes. We did. ’

there you go then, you used a donor. Just because you feel you did it a ‘better’ way doesn’t mean you did.
Perhaps you shouldn’t have at all given you couldn’t conceive ‘naturally’, perhaps you should have accepted you weren’t having kids or - as people like to suggest - adopted.
I would never have used IVF ( or so I believe) but I certainly don’t sit in judgement of those who did.

We considered this and went as far as having a counselling session with the clinic to discuss everything.
Ultimately we decided againt it. DH was never keen and after the counselling I didn't feel good about it either.
I beleive that honesty is vital and that if we had a child we would have to tell them. Then that extended to who else to tell, family, friends. People comment so much on who babies look like like etc. By telling people DHs infertility is then revealed and that would have been difficult for him.
I think donor conception can work very well for some families but it wasn't for us. We actually adopted 2 children in the end
Good luck OP.

It's neither awkward nor a burden.

Just like with adopted children, you drip the information to them from a young age.

It's a bit of genetic material. Your parents are who brings you up.

Reflecting on this. I think a big problem in the UK is awkwardness about sex / fertility etc.

We wentvthrough infertility and openly discussed it with friends. There is no shame at all to me but I know culturally it's different.

Ditto to sex and baby making. I think its not ruining a chds innocence to understand a biological function from a young age. We live on a farm though so see it in action!

I was raised by my mum and a man who was not my biological father. Lots of issues and I will spare you all the details but I strongly believe genetics are so much more intertwined with your personality and identity than you likely realise. Having genetic children of my own really cemented this for me when I could see how much like me and their dad they were. I adore that we can understand them in this way.
I imagine you will probably see my post ‘unkind’ as you only wanted positive, life choice reinforcing responses but I really think it is unethical to intentionally create a life from the very start that will be deprived of two genetic parents.

@Pacificisolated I don't see your post as unkind at all, other than you putting words into my mouth that I "only wanted positive, life choice reinforcing responses". I said I was interested to discuss and understand other perspectives.

I was also raised by my mum and a man who wasn't my biological father (for other reasons than sperm donation). I see him as my father in every way that matters and I am very glad of his presence in my life.

Thank you for the thoughtful post, it's very good to hear from people who are donor conceived themselves, and that you have a good bond with your mum. I feel like a lot of the people I have spoken to who are donor conceived and found out in a healthy way seem to be fine with it/ not see it as a big deal, so that is reassuring (although I am sorry to hear you were not raised with the knowledge of you own parentage). It often seems to be people who don't have actual experience who judge.

Thanks also for saying about not having to justify my path to parenthood - particularly re adoption - that's always the risk on these forums and I didn't come her to justify myself. Luckily that sort of post has been very minimal on here so far!

We made the decision long ago and are happy with it - I was just interested in other people's opinions and perspectives on why they did not/ would choose this path that I am so grateful to have open to me.

I don’t sit in judgement of anyone. I’m answering the questions raised and giving the reasons I did what I did. My reasons are not a judgment of anybody, they are a thought process/ logic around why we did what we did.

It is impossible for me to answer the question and say why I chose not to use an anonymous donor, without saying that I felt it would be unethical.

For us it was essential that we had a relationship with our child’s biological father from the very beginning. There needed to be a relationship between our donor and our child(ren), in order for us to go ahead. Not for our benefit (as you can imagine it’s a lot more complex for the adults doing it this way) but for the sake of the person being conceived. We all had to be on the same page regarding transparency, healthy communication, who holds and does not hold parental responsibility and most importantly an agreement that the person we have conceived is always placed at the centre of all decision making.

I can conceive naturally, so I’m not sure how that’s relevant? In my case, conceiving naturally would have been logistically a lot easier and involved no injections, hormones and invasive procedures. It would have been a lot better for me financially and physically. One of my IVF cycles almost ended in me dying of a life threatening haemorrhage.

I think it’s incredible that IVF exists for those with fertility issues. I simultaneously think we need to be very careful about how IVF is used to ensure everyone involved (including the person being conceived) is treated ethically.

It was important for me that I thought ahead- not just about the baby I wanted, but the person they would become- independent of me and my own wishes. As with any family, I may have made mistakes that I’m not yet aware of, because I’m human. And they may have questions I haven’t thought of or simply disagree with me. I’m not claiming there is one way to have a family or that I’m better than anyone else.

I would love to adopt as well. Some of the things you’ve said are irrelevant- I can conceive naturally. And I do want to adopt. But adoption is an entirely different process. Nobody should adopt for any reason other than because they genuinely want to adopt.

Do I think I used a donor in a ‘better’ way because they are known and not anonymous? Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have put myself through the last 6 years of IVF.

Do I think I’m ‘better’ than anyone else? Absolutely not. My decision to do what I did had nothing to do with what anyone else did or didn’t do- it had everything to do with my own morals.

Someone conceived via a donor up thread said, “A parent - child bond is so much more than biology and to suggest otherwise is so deeply offensive to me and to many other families.”

I consider myself one of those ‘many other families’ and I agree. My spouse is not genetically related to either of our kids. That doesn’t diminish their role as a parent in any way. But it also doesn’t diminish the role of our child’s biological father.

By prioritising our children’s mental health over our desire to have a family, we have had to make additional space for uncomfortable conversations, invasive treatments and complex decisions.

We have tried to take everyone involved into account, for the sake of our children. Not to judge others, but to do what we think is in the best interests of our kids.

I know many families who have used donor sperm - all of them open about it.
I know straight couple who used IVF, they’re also open about it, and one straight couple who used egg donation - also open about it.
Its transparency that’s important - there are a lot of couple in relationships now where the father isn’t actually the bio father of one or more children but isn’t aware of it.
as it ever was thus.

Just to add to this @Dream2762 i have nothing at all against donor conception. But transparency with the people created is the key.

Hi. I had a child via sperm donation - DS is now 17. I struggled with the idea initially - would it mess the child up etc but ultimately went for it as a single parent. My concerns were allayed to some extent by choosing an open ID donor that my DS could contact when he's 18. It's all turned out absolutely fine. My son has zero interest in who is father is. I have a child and adult photo of the donor and an audio recording of him being interviewed. He's never shown a shred of interest. I used a US sperm bank and I don't know what happened but he's ended up with vast amounts of siblings. Lots of us are in a Facebook group and those living near each in the states (most of his half-siblings are over there) are meeting up and are forming bonds. He has no interest in meeting/connecting with any of them either - that he is a donor-conceived child is just of no consequence to him. I thought when he started secondary school that I would have to talk to him about how to tell his friends - but he'd told everyone within about three days of getting there. When I went to pick him up his lovely new friends asked 'is it true that Lucas has X about of siblings and his dad is a sperm donor'. I confirmed that it was. There thought it was cool and that was that. My advice: go for it - it's the best decision I ever made. And be honest right from the get-go so there are no nasty surprises. Conversations from when he was very young along he lines of 'I really wanted a baby but needed help and a nice man gave me the thing that was missing and I was able to have you' made it completely normal for him. I have a friend who did the same thing as me. We met at a workshop on 'how to tell your child they're donor-conceived' - he's completely fine too. Good luck.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/assisted-reproduction-kids-grow-up-just-fine-but-it-may-be-better-to-tell-them-early-about#:~:text=It's%20something%20that's%20been%20shown,adulthood%20(20%20years%20old).

Here's an interesting study from UoCambridge you might like to read

I used a donor and have two extremely well adjusted children/ teenagers who are open about their conception. They have also connected with their donor and his family. If you are upfront and confident people fall into line. I've had one person not be polite - turned out he had extreme mental health issues and an inability to hold his tongue.

We used a donor for our kids. They are old enough that donors were still anonymous. He left a paragraph describing himself and it’s very evident what talents they get from him as the kids are good at maths, science and music which they don’t get from either of us!

we did an DNA test so they know his ethnicity.

they have a mild curiosity about him (so do we, I’d love to see a photo and see his other kids) but it doesn’t seem to have caused them any trauma or difficulty. They’ve always known. We decided to go for it after learning that only a minority of adopted children seek our their bio parents. It seemed less morally questionable if it wasn’t inevitable that kids will always want to know their biological roots.