To struggle with his scalp psoriasis? (attraction)

[VioletW]

My partner has scalp psoriasis and I noticed it on the first date. Obviously, the rest outweighed that issue as here we are.

But a year later it does bother me at times. Some days it isn't noticeable and others it is really bad and flaky, and I have to be honest, looks gross.

Ive spoken to him about treatment and he dismissed it, saying he tried once and it's pointless. Also 'I don't care, I'm not trying to win beauty contests"

But he does have head and shoulders in the bathroom and uses it, so he must care a bit. Am I being very shallow?

Try T-Gel every now and then. Smells a bit funky but is very soothing and can stop the itch. Worth a go I reckon.

It even ends up on my clothes sometimes just from cuddling and interacting. He gets embarrassed when that happens.

Well of course it’s fine for you not to like it, you can talk to him about how you find it off putting, but you can’t force him to do anything about it.

Is it a dealbreaker?

@OrwellianTimes I hope not.

But every so often, when it's really bad, it does turn my stomach. I hate to say that

You have to tell him (gently but firmly) or else live in silence!

If you have lasted a year and it's only now really really bothering you, I'd question whether you're just over the relationship in general.

It's fine that you hate it. Sounds like he does too but is resigned to living with it. Just explain that you want to help him sort it out if possible and keep your fingers crossed.

Agree. Just sounds like you're getting The Ick

My partner says coal tar shampoo is good, and coal tar moisturiser for skin. It smells a bit odd but not unpleasant

Just tell him that his disability/autoimmune disease that could shorten his lifespan by around 15-20 years makes you sick and see how that pans out.

Alternatively, his GP might prescribe a steroid lotion (they stink and sting frequently, also don't work a lot of the time, even if the GP is willing to prescribe) or refer him for medication that will mean you can't have kids without planning for them around a year in advance.

I have a very flaky scalp which I've wondered might be psoriasis. I've learned it's actually a sort of allergy to my own dead skin.

Anyway I've found that deep cleaning my scalp once a week or so with a scalp scrub and a silicone shampoo brush really helps. I wash my hair twice a week in total. It's really getting better.

I don't know what you can do about your bf. I'd feel very very sensitive if my dh criticised me for it.

Try faith in Nature coconut shampoo.

This is my concern.

I reckon he is probably already reading between the lines by me asking what he has tried.

T gel and head and shoulders did nothing for me. The scalp scrub and brush were much better

T gel is the way.

he might not care how it looks but surely it’s uncomfortable?

Just leave him to work on it then I reckon. You've signalled how you feel about it. Now he might take his time to look into some strategies.

I don't think anything is to be gained by chasing him up to take action.

Just to give you the other side OP, I have scalp psoriasis too, and it is embarrassing because it can be flaky and get everywhere. I've tried literally everything over the years and nothing has worked. Dermatologist has given up tbh. Is it possible he has also been through the treatment options over the years and is fed up? He may be brushing it off because it's humiliating and he knows he's out of options.

If my partner mentioned mine, depending on how he broached it, I might be the same way... because what am I meant to do if even after over a year under a consultant trying endless treatments nothing has helped? After 40+ years of it I sometimes also think 'well who cares, I'm not trying to win any beauty contests, at the end of the day it's just my skin and hair (even though I know it looks gross a lot!) and people who say they love me will just have to accept it or walk away.' Not saying that's right, and ideally I'd do what I could to keep my partners attraction to me, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with psoriasis and if there's moving he can do, what is he meant to say? I keep my hair tied up and as flake free as possible, that's about all I can do unless some radical new cure comes along. Some of the treatments are painful, some have nasty side effects, some make my hair stink, and all for nothing. Maybe your partner is at his limits too, and you will have to decide if you can accept it or not.

Poor man. My aunt had terrible psoriasis and tried everything under the sun but when it flared up absolutely nothing worked.

It's not like he can help it, apart from spending loads of money on things that don't really help.

Have you bought anything for him?

Psoriasis shortens the lifespan by 15/20 years? News to me.

My husband has it and yeah you occasionally have to dust it off their shirt if it’s noticeable. I know it’s not nice for him so I try not to make a big deal. What has helped him is the steroid cream they prescribe for it when it gets bad. But also, funnily enough freshly bended celery juice every morning before you eat or drink anything works wonders. I know it sounds a bit crazy but the ‘medical medium’ on instagram suggested it as one of the many things that helps with autoimmune diseases and it actually works. If he’s vigilant and does it every day, it’s practically gone. Worth a try!

Agreed.

OP, you're allowed to end a relationship for any reason you choose. He is perfectly entitled not to go through the hassle of medical appointments and treatments if he isn't bothered too much by his psoriasis himself, but you are also allowed to leave him if this is a deal-breaker.

As someone who has suffered from psoriasis (although not on my scalp) in the past, I would just add that for a lot of people it's not as simple as 'just doing something about it' or 'getting it treated' - psoriasis can be really hard to treat and manage and some people get zero results even from prescription treatments, let alone anything you can buy over the counter. The number of people who confidently told me to 'Try Aveeno', 'Try Cerave', 'Try coal tar soap',. 'Ask the doctor for Betnovate' etc when I had psoriasis was really infuriating - because I'd invariably already tried and had invariably seen no improvement whatsoever. (FWIW, my own body psoriasis eventually disappeared largely of its own accord... but that was after two years of failed treatments.)

So if he's tried available treatments and got nowhere, he has probably reached the point of just having to live with it and isn't keen to repeat a process that has previously no effect whatsoever. Sometimes, the best someone can hope for is to make peace with it, and being reminded it's unsightly isn't helpful and can just be embarrassing or confidence-knocking.

None of this means that you would be unreasonable to end the relationship if you simply cannot find him attractive, though - you can't force yourself not to be bothered by it. It's not his fault ... but it's also not yours.

As PPs have said, it sounds like you've got the ick, and I'm wondering if, if it wasn't the scalp issue, it would be something else that bothered you.

Whenever someone posts about psoriasis I am tempted to post what has helped me. But, because it seems that those posters usually have a worse case of it than I do, I feel they might have already tried this.

In case there is anyone who suffers from a mild case of psoriasis, I will recommend fish oil supplements. I used to have over twenty spots on my legs, (I stopped counting when I reached 20, and that was only the first leg). My cousin, a fellow sufferer, recommended fish oil supplements. I have been taking them for over three years now and my spots are few and far between, I don’t know where my ointment is as I never bother to use it.

OP, it might not help your partner, but I just wanted to put it out there for anyone reading the thread.

Even if he doesn't want to see the dr, I'd start with dropping the head and shoulders if it's clearly not working - I'm allergic to it, it makes my psoriasis a million times worse!

Yup. Uncontrolled autoimmune disease/inflammation often results in premature death due to cardiovascular events. Or the hugely increased risk of some forms of cancer, such as myleoma. In fairness, the risk of having other cancers is increased pretty much equally due to the medications themselves, but they don't tend to have dropping dead of cardiomyopathy in the list. There is liver failure, though. Or infection.

My father dropped dead age 55 as a result. It's one of the main reasons why many AI diseases are treated aggressively as soon as they get referred to consultants - it's not the things people see that are the worry, it's the dying nearer 60 than 80 that's the concern.

You are taking absolute bollocks! Please give me your sources where you've found the information that my life span could be cut short by 15-20 years? It is simply not true!