To struggle with his scalp psoriasis? (attraction)

[VioletW]

My partner has scalp psoriasis and I noticed it on the first date. Obviously, the rest outweighed that issue as here we are.

But a year later it does bother me at times. Some days it isn't noticeable and others it is really bad and flaky, and I have to be honest, looks gross.

Ive spoken to him about treatment and he dismissed it, saying he tried once and it's pointless. Also 'I don't care, I'm not trying to win beauty contests"

But he does have head and shoulders in the bathroom and uses it, so he must care a bit. Am I being very shallow?

Or he could try Cocois lotion on his scalps It works very well for my DC. I find it ok but am
a bit lazy with it. My granny and aunt both reached the age of 92 despite their psoriasis (latter had a lot of her skin) so I wouldn’t make too many assumptions about lifespan.

Yabu, OP. He should go to the GP. He might be pleasantly surprised by the treatment on offer. Problem with psoriasis, though, it can take a while to find one that works. Good luck.

I have lifelong skin problems from a similar autoimmune condition ... and the only thing I've ever found makes a difference (and a remarkable one) is intermittent fasting. Something to do with autophagy reducing inflammation, blah blah blah... I will never understand the science! But, like a PP, just adding this in case it's of interest to anyone.

I'd echo PPs' frustration at people not understanding that it's not a surface skin condition. You get used to people suggesting you dab on a bit of this, etc, as though you have just spectacularly failed to take care of yourself in obvious ways! 😆

I think because it’s an autoimmune condition, what works to ease inflammation for one person may very well be of no benefit to another. It can be worth a shot but we’re all so different I have no expectation of success. First time I was pregnant was the best for me - zero psoriasis!

I have it and find it kind of revolting on myself so I certainly wouldn't blame someone else for finding it so. And I'm afraid fairness or niceness doesn't come into it when it comes to physical attraction - or getting the ick. One has the right to find any physical attribute or feature beautiful, or horrible or anything in between. You don't have the right to make someone feel bad about it or bully them obviously but no one owes anyone a relationship

All the heart problems in my family have been suffered by the ones who didn’t have psoriasis. You’d be hard pushed to find someone who doesn’t have some sort of inflammatory issue, some people just carry more outward signs than others.

My ex had this. Nothing worked until he tried a gluten free diet. Head and shoulders is not going to do much. It's for dandruff, not psoriasis. Has he seen a dermatologist?

I would say that if it bothers you and he refuses to get treatment for it, he's being inconsiderate.
It's not shallow to find flakes all over the place gross.

Yes, my psoriasis almost completely vanished during pregnancy too.

Bit drastic, though. And not an option for OP's DP

Psoriasis is linked to inflammation and people who have one inflammatory condition are more likely to get others. Eczema, asthma, IBD etc. doesn't mean they're bound to drop dead early but higher risk of other conditions.

Op tbh it sounds like you're just not massively into him. If you were, the psoriasis wouldn't bother you. It could be this, it could be leaving plates around or chewing noisily or whatever. You're not into him enough to overlook it. Sounds like you've only been together a year, so call it quits.

You deserve someone you're really into, and he deserves someone who doesn't find him gross.

He should have it checked, as others have said there can be more risk of heart conditions linked to inflammation, he should also be checked for psoriatic arthritis (which I have and I didn’t even know about until I was diagnosed)

I'm with you. I really struggle with a dry, flaky scalp. I've tried everything. I think I'd just laugh if someone said "have you tried Coaltar/Oilatum/T-Gel?" As though I'd never noticed until they mentioned it.

It's a shit thing to suffer with. Sometimes the dermatologist can't help, the steroid treatments don't help, OTC treatments don't help.

What is all this amazing treatment btw? When my DC developed it we saw a dermatologist privately just to see if there was anything they knew they could offer in terms of the immune system. I actually tried to find someone who wasn’t “just” a dermatologist but that’s all that could be suggested to me and I assumed given the link with the immune system they would all over that anyway. They basically just offered the usual creams and some steroid lotion that I told my DC not to use unless they absolutely had to (they didn’t and it’s all cleared up for now anyway). I agree with paying attention to gut health.

I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time on here.

If it turns her stomach, it turns her stomach. Her feelings are valid. We're all different, Christ.

I think what would piss me off and give me the ick in the OP's shoes is that the guy just isn't trying. He dismisses the idea of treatment and just buries his head in the sand saying "I'm not trying to win any beauty contests".

Lack of basic "pride" in appearance IS unattractive. As is not giving a shit about your partner's attraction to you.

The front and top of my head is psoriasis free. My problem is the back, from top of each ear across. So maybe it is more greasy than I think since I can’t see that part of my head! Ha ha

My Dermatologist told me to put it on overnight once per week, I do this when it is really bad (and wear a turban towel over it to protect my pillows). Generally I find just one hour and then wash off is ok. I shampoo it 3 times. And it seems to get it out OK. I have a short curly bob.

I should do it weekly, but I leave weeks go by until it is very bad again.

My GP also gave me a prescription for a steroid shampoo. I get good results, but use it very infrequently when I have extra bad flare up. I am very wary of applying steroids to my scalp on an ongoing basis.

Op, not sure if your DP told you, but it is also pretty uncomfortable. My scalp itches and feels tight once it gets scaly.

So a treatment that works would give him relief from the discomfort.

My DH has never mentioned it to me. If his tone was kind and genuinely trying to help me I think I would be ok. If it was because he was embarrassed by me I think I would be defensive and pissed off.

I have the ick with my own scalp psoriasis, I am thankful my DH, DDs don’t seem to have ick with it.

I have two tiny patches of psoriasis on my scalp. None of the creams, shampoos etc worked so I just decided to live with it as it's not too bad and not terribly itchy.

Fast forward two years after developing the psoriasis, I developed a lot of inflammation in various tendons and joints. Turns out I have psoriatic arthritis, which does reduce your life expectancy. Anyone with scalp psoriasis should also ask to be assessed for psoriatic arthritis as those scalp psoriasis are much more likely to develop psoriatic arthritis.

It’s not amazing treatment, it’s seriously strong medication which as PP says, has an impact on ability to have children, I’ve had my DCs but if I wanted more I’d have to come off one med for 6 months before TTC and the other for 2 years. It suppresses your immune system so you have to be extra careful about catching viruses, have extra flu and Covid jabs, even today my dentist was saying I have to be extra careful not to need an extraction because of the risk of a serious infection. For me it’s worth it because I was so miserable before but it’s a big deal

My BIL has this and has to be very careful with his diet. Tomatoes, spices and more can trigger an episode. He needs more than just H&S shampoo.

@Pieceofpurplesky, I went to senior school with a girl who had really severe psoriasis (if it wasn't outright bleeding, it was flaking) on her scalp, and her life was made a complete misery by the other kids.

She had an absolutely awful time at school because of it. It's very, very sad that some people never grow out of the "ugh yuk" phase.

Yes to this! Bloody awful stuff. Full of chemicals and makes my psoriasis loads worse.

Sorry this is for other sufferers; not sure if will be any use to OP's bf
I suffer on & off with scalp (and ear) psoriasis, Roots and Superbalm from Lush have helped, did find Superbalm to be more greasy/harder to wash out though. Also randomly Palmers Coconut Oil shampoo. This is when it's not too severe, have to use T-Gel when it's at its worst. I appreciate mine may not be as bad as other people's though.

It's not about 'beauty contests' as he puts it. It's a health issue, and is affecting you if his dandruff is shedding all over you and your clothes/furniture. T-gel is good. He may need a non SLS shampoo or conditioner.

Is it definitely definitely psoriasis? My sister had her seborrheic dermatitis misdiagnosed as psoriasis for 20 years.

Absolutely. My friend with severe psoriasis is on immune suppressants and it’s no picnic. She takes them because her condition is such that she feels it’s absolutely necessary.

I met my DH over 10 years ago. He also had bad psoriasis in his scalp. As he got older the psoriasis spread to other parts of his body and I would put so much effort into finding holistic and medicinal remedies. He never tried anything apart from using t-gel to wash his hair. He's now 20 years down the line and because he let it continue with no life style changes (eg no drinking, no exercise , UPF left right and centre) he has developed psoriatic arthritis. He's on a very strong immune suppressant drugs which he has to inject every week and strong secondary meds to deal with side effects. His symptoms are still awful and he struggles with day to day life at times. He's only 40 so very sad to witness. He now wishes someone had told him normal skin psoriasis can turn into arthritis and it's not reversible.

Maybe share with your partner as a cautionary tale of what happens if you leave psoriasis totally untreated.

Coal tar shampoo. if you haven't tried it give it a go. worked when 10 other things failed.