Babysitter left the house

[Piano737]

Au pair living with us, age 20. She babysits approx one night a week, has done so for about six months, kids (4yo twins) have never woken when she has babysat but she knows they do wake occasionally.
Recently she has a new boyfriend who she is spending every waking moment with other than when she has other commitments. We have said he is welcome in the house but not overnight between midnight and 7am - this was our agreement with her before she moved in.
Last night she was babysitting and our front door camera pinged on my phone so I checked the notification and saw that she had walked out of the house and closed the front door. I thought it was odd but thought maybe she had gone out to put something in the bin (right outside front door) so waited a minute or two and then checked to see if she had returned - she hadn't. I panned the security cameras around the front of the house to see if I could see her and could not. They cover the whole of the driveway so probably about 5 metres from the house plus neighbour on one side's driveway.
At this point I panicked that she had forgotten she was babysitting and called her. She said she had gone out to talk to someone and was right outside the house - demonstrably not true as cameras couldn't see her. Boyfriend also drives a distinctive van so I would have seen that on the camera too if it was across the street or next to the house.
I said I was not comfortable with that and could she go back to the house, and reminded her that she could have a guest inside if she wanted to. Three or four mins later she went back inside alone. As soon as we got home around 10.30pm she went out with boyfriend until 4am.
Ironically about an hour after I had asked her to go back inside while babysitting, DD did wake and she needed to settle her which she did successfully - they are very comfortable with her, she does the school run and after school care three days a week.
I have asked to speak to her straight after kids bedtime today as want to understand what was going on in her head to make her leave two four year olds alone out of earshot with no way of her knowing if one of them was crying/looking for an adult in the house. I am feeling really anxious about this and want to check if I am being unreasonable.
YABU - stop stalking her with your cameras, kids are fine.
YANBU - this is crazy behaviour and needs a serious conversation about responsibilities around children.
To add, until boyfriend appeared we were very happy with her. Since boyfriend she has been very distracted and trying to wriggle out of some of her responsibilities to us, but nothing that has made me feel the kids were unsafe until this point.

But if you check you can PREVENT an issue surely?

You’re letting a strange man in your house when you’re not there and your kids are.. my mum has had a boyfriend of 3 years and I won’t let my daughters stay there because I don’t really know him/his background and wouldn’t be happy with potentially unsupervised access. It’s a small risk but it’s not worth taking the risk with a strange man in your home.

Hmm, an au pair isn’t a cheap babysitter !nor are they there to travel!
at least that’s not what they were 25 years ago, or I have heard of.

aupairs need full board and lodgings, inc all meals. They become an additional “adult” or young person child. They need support and the sort of stuff like ferrying about that a young adult at home need . I’ve had to provide emotional support for au pairs over breakups and take to hospital etc for broken bones and other accidents .

they are required to attend language school. They are with you to learn the language via full immersion. It can be difficult at the start when there’s still a lot of hit and misses in understanding.

you have to accept a new stranger living in your house and treat them as the family.

we on hosted once kids reached school age, and they did the walk to school and back, and after school activities till one us got home. They did babysit one evening per week- but we didn’t always use it. They did a bit of housework stuff for the kids only.

it isn’t cheap babysitting. Yep, cheaper than a nanny, but a completely different thing

Err she’s not watching her to any extent ! they clearly have cameras outside the front of their property, somewhere she should never have been when she was babysitting 4 year olds. It’s the nanny that’s unreasonable not the parent!

Thanks all. Just to update that we have decided to get rid of her. Will give her a week or two to find somewhere else to live and take her off all childcare duties immediately. Here's to a mad juggle and cross workplaces till we find a replacement! Appreciate everyone's responses!

😱

wow

What has any of this to do with the au pair leaving the kids alone? You're writing long-winded statements about things that nobody disputes - au pairs have some child responsibilities, you say your own one did babysitting, and they clearly are cheaper than a nanny. That said, no teenager nor adult should leave children alone in the house, whatever the role may be.

Can you not just get an after school nanny, try koru kids or something like that.

Can you not just get an after school nanny

My sister did that when her DC were small.

I wish I could get an after school nanny but I can't do drop off as need to leave the house at 7.45 for work and there is no breakfast club. DH leaves before 7am. Will look at what options we have.

Had a similar problem but for different reasons - only saved by my lovely next door neighbour looking after the DC before and after school for a couple of weeks

It's time-limited for you too until you get a new au pair so hopefully family and friends will pull together and help you out

You’ve made the right decision - but also the hardest one. Well done and best wishes.

For those saying she is being creepy about having the cameras and checking on the sitter, obviously eaither don't have kids of their own or lack awareness on what negatives can happen when leaving their children in the care of others. Now my opinion to the OP is no your not being unreasonable. Todays generation in the world is horrible! Anything can happen at anytime. If your children are in the care of someone else, the best thing you can do to have extra caution is the ring camera you have. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with watching what's going on at your home while you aren't their and your children are. As far as the sitter situation, she may have a good bond with your kids which is great but as far as having that strong trust in her and her having the kids in her care, she obviously isn't taking the responsibilities that come with that kind of job seriously. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, it just means she isn't the one that's right for the job or making sure your kids are not left alone in her care period. I would look for someone else with more maturity in that area and who takes the responsibilities no less then seriously. I personally would let her know she's still welcome to visit with the kids anytime if she would like. But watching them, no.

I'd get a different form of child care provision; but certainly let this girl go. I don't think she intended any harm by the sound of it; but her heads in the clouds with this lad and the trust is broken (they were prob having a sesh in the van 🙈). Unlike a lot on here I don't think 3.5 Hr sleep is a big deal. At 20 I would be fine and operational for one night sleep loss; as long as I caught up a bit the next night. Now at 42 I would feel like I was involved in a minor vehicle collision 🙈🤣

It's difficult because the professional and personal blur when you have a person living with you...they are sort of always on the clock. A lot of young nursery carers probably behave like this in their own time....its normal young behaviour. The difference is they put their professional self on when they turn up to work. The temptation now with any live in provision would be to monitor the life out of them. That's not going to be good for you, them or the kids. Maybe morning and afternoon club is an option? Also there are are a lot of teachers assistants/ nursery carers advertising babysitting services nowadays due to cost of living. I would use one of those one night...an older person or some one extremely mature for their age. No friends/ boyfriends round...you can't carefully vet someone and let any tom, dick or harry round. Also a young person may forget their professional self while a mates round or be more influenced by others 👍

Good luck OP 👍

I was trying to picture how far away a four minute walk is. For me it’s the very bottom of my street. Unacceptable.

Not acceptable behaviour, at all.

Renegotiate the arrangement and remind the young woman to think about having her boyfriend and what she can actually commit to now. Her circumstances have changed so you need to address that.
Does she need an evening or two off?
Is there one morning that needs adjusting?

Have an honest conversation.

She was obviously outside, just beyond the camera.
It would be silly to fire her if it's a matter of some minor reorganisation and a promise to be honest and upfront with you. I would give her a chance.

The children like her. Over the next few months you should perhaps involve an extra babysitter to share some of the houirs.

Is she drinking or using drugs when out so late and sneaking around? If so she wouldn’t be capable of looking after children as she definitely would still alcohol in her system. Plus I wouldn’t have her boyfriend around in the house where there are children. You know nothing about him and she doesn’t really either !

I think you know already, it's time for her to go.
To be thinking and posting here, your instinct is warning you.
You have been more than reasonable letting her boyfriend come over.
I'd be thinking what was she up to?, she went to pick something up, for her night out.

I have a retired friend who cares for a child from 6am till she has taken the child to school and then from 3pm when she collects the child from school until mother walks through the door at 6pm. Works very happily for all parties.

Would not be happy at her arriving back at 4.30 am, disturbing g everybody. You need to set out exact requirements. I would not be welcoming boyfriend I to my home, you don't know him at all.

i would not be OK with a pair of four year olds being left alone in the house. 12 year olds, OK for a bit, but not at 4.

it sounds to me like you’ve got another (older) child to look after. She wants to do what young people do, but unfortunately this youthful lifestyle doesn’t match with the responsibilities of childcare.

i would also be against letting her drive the kids to school, when shes been up til 4am.

if I were you, I’d lay out the issues in a formal way. Say you’ll give her the opportunity to extend her employment with you, if she can keep your children safe and well, which means being with them when stipulated and being alert (not excessively late nights on working days). If she doesn’t stick to the plan, you find someone else. Instinctively however, I’d be looking right now.

No - I think - if you hadn’t seen the situation, it could have escalated. A teacher, childminder, anyone in care of children shouldn’t leave them unattended.

I don’t think it’s ‘stalking’ - she’s aware the camera is there, the phone pinged, you registered an unusual situation concerning the safety of your children. That’s what the cameras are there for - a potential danger alert.

I don’t know how I’d handle - is there a contract?

Just checked on google and it's about a third of a mile at a brisk walking pace - as you say too far which is what the OP seems to have decided

Your not being unreasonable these are children and should never be left alone ever.....I say one warning n out unfortunately 😕

I'm more concerned you have allowed a girl you have only known for 6months to invite visitors into your home that are strangers to you.