Babysitter left the house

[Piano737]

Au pair living with us, age 20. She babysits approx one night a week, has done so for about six months, kids (4yo twins) have never woken when she has babysat but she knows they do wake occasionally.
Recently she has a new boyfriend who she is spending every waking moment with other than when she has other commitments. We have said he is welcome in the house but not overnight between midnight and 7am - this was our agreement with her before she moved in.
Last night she was babysitting and our front door camera pinged on my phone so I checked the notification and saw that she had walked out of the house and closed the front door. I thought it was odd but thought maybe she had gone out to put something in the bin (right outside front door) so waited a minute or two and then checked to see if she had returned - she hadn't. I panned the security cameras around the front of the house to see if I could see her and could not. They cover the whole of the driveway so probably about 5 metres from the house plus neighbour on one side's driveway.
At this point I panicked that she had forgotten she was babysitting and called her. She said she had gone out to talk to someone and was right outside the house - demonstrably not true as cameras couldn't see her. Boyfriend also drives a distinctive van so I would have seen that on the camera too if it was across the street or next to the house.
I said I was not comfortable with that and could she go back to the house, and reminded her that she could have a guest inside if she wanted to. Three or four mins later she went back inside alone. As soon as we got home around 10.30pm she went out with boyfriend until 4am.
Ironically about an hour after I had asked her to go back inside while babysitting, DD did wake and she needed to settle her which she did successfully - they are very comfortable with her, she does the school run and after school care three days a week.
I have asked to speak to her straight after kids bedtime today as want to understand what was going on in her head to make her leave two four year olds alone out of earshot with no way of her knowing if one of them was crying/looking for an adult in the house. I am feeling really anxious about this and want to check if I am being unreasonable.
YABU - stop stalking her with your cameras, kids are fine.
YANBU - this is crazy behaviour and needs a serious conversation about responsibilities around children.
To add, until boyfriend appeared we were very happy with her. Since boyfriend she has been very distracted and trying to wriggle out of some of her responsibilities to us, but nothing that has made me feel the kids were unsafe until this point.

Where do you think she was? Do you think she was just outside of the camera area speaking to her boyfriend?

She was probably sitting in her boyfriend’s van parked up close to your house. No, I don’t find this acceptable as she has essentially left two four year olds alone in the house. It’s no different to popping to the shop which most people wouldn’t do either or wouldn’t admit to doing. Have a strong word.

I would say she cant have gone far if she was back in doors within 4 minutes but never the less she should not have gone out of ear shot of the children, I dont even go the bin or garage when I am alone with kids in case one wakes, panics and gets hurt stumbling about half asleep.

A PP said it was creepy watching her - ring doorbell apps notify you when there is movement at the door of the property

But if you trust the person you've employed, why would you need to check? People pop in and out all the time 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if all the people saying it's fine would be happy if their 19 year old was being watched like that.

We have said he is welcome in the house

I can't get over this, honestly. Not a chance I'd allow this. Just get rid of her. There are too many red flags.

I have cameras inside my home, we have a baby and sometimes if she is playing with my older dc I leave them and watch them if I'm cooking. I've had this since she was a baby, leave her sleeping in a few cots we had around the house if I needed to be out of the room. We have since hired a nanny and cleaner who are fully aware of this.
I didn't explain any reasons as to why I had the cameras, just to let them know that I did.

I would be so bloody furious that this au pair did this. I would never leave sleeping children to go outside and have a chat with someone, why couldn't she invite them in??

Please get rid of her. Her head is clearly on her boyfriend and she is taking risks with your kids.

Also someone getting in at 4am, isn't fit to be then getting young kids ready and doing the school run. She's completely taking advantage of her job here.

It would be far better for you to get a proper after school nanny who will do far more for them. The morning will be tricky though.

Agree! Don't allow boyfriends to be coming around. This is a job at the end of the day and it seems there aren't any firm boundaries in place.

No way would I be trusting the care of my children in a car, to someone on under 4 hours sleep.
Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.
No way would I be facilitating her relationship under my roof.
Get rid of her asap.

Four minutes to get back to the front door is actually a fair walk. I would think they’d gone for a quick drive in his van, albeit probably not far, or had parked up somewhere near but more private.

one night out of seven when she is WORKING.

There is no way it’s ok even for a moment to leave and shut the door and go anywhere. Doesn’t matter how close. She’s gone, the door is shut - what happens then if something happens to her?

It’s already going down the pan anyway and this would be unforgivable. It’s the lack of judgement more than anything. She would have privacy to talk inside, he could come inside.

She would be gone.

I mean we've all done that at that age, out most of the night, straight to work. But this isn't the kind of job where that is acceptable, she wouldn't be fit to look after your DCs properly on such little sleep, and possibly booze.

Add in the leaving the house and the boyfriend coming round, I think you need to find a new au pair.

Jesus just read that she (and you!!!!) consider her ok to drive your children on a couple of hours sleep.

No words.

You're not being unreasonable OP, bit you get what you (don't) pay for. Get rid of her and get a proper nanny

For me it would depend how long it took her to get back. If it was literally minutes, I would sack her.

I want to say it's unacceptable but I also feel like a lot of my friends with kids would pop out to say get something from the car while the kids were sleeping upstairs.

Pop to the car yes, but not a 4 minute walk away.

I think overall this is unacceptable. What has her response been? If shes unbothered then I do wonder if her risk taking behaviour will increase. Already taking your kids to school on less than 4h sleep. Leaving them alone.

i would not be taking any chances with my kids. I’d be getting someone else in. A nanny would be far better.

No, I don't think that's acceptable and I also don't think you did anything wrong in checking your ring notification or then panning around to see if you can spot her. Would people seriously not do that to make sure that their kids are safely looked after?

Also, in lots of places of work security cameras are quite common. My parent with dementia needs 24h care provided by different a number of people with lots of new people coming in constantly and we have installed cameras in every room except for the bathrooms. We tell everyone about the security cameras as well so it's not like they are being taped secretly. Quite a few of them in fact welcome the cameras as we can't falsely accuse them of wrong doing either.

I also don't think you should allow your au pair to have random guests in your house when you are not there. Thst doesn't sound safe at all.

That's a sure fire way to get her to resign! If you don't trust her, you should let her go.

If she was showering, or blow drying her hair she wouldn’t have heard a bump or the first cry of a child either.

Your behaviour is unreasonable; you seem to think she’s a nanny but you’re paying an au-pair.

This is obviously an unsuitable arrangement for you so I’d give her notice.

I think this is terrible. I've been a babysitter since my early teens and would never have left the house. I would never leave the house now as a parent.

Looking at the timelines; you noticed and waited maybe 4 minutes. She wasn't within sight. You phoned and this call maybe took 1 minute during which time I suspect she turned around and headed back. Then she appeared 3 or 4 minutes later. So those children could have been in the house alone for 8-10 minutes and that was with your intervention. If it took her 4 minutes to get back into the house she wasn't outside, she had gone someplace else. If she was talking to boyfriend she could have invited him in. Even if they were having a difficult conversation and he was refusing, you know he wasn't outside the house as his van wasn't there. So I don't believe she was outside. She had gone somewhere and she only came back because you phoned. Otherwise she would have been away longer.

Sorry but this really frightens me. However far fetched it might seem, her new boyfriend could be part of a ring and they could have lured her out of the house. There could have been a fire. There could have been a break in. One of your children might have started sleepwalking.

People always comment on how I'm a chilled out parent but leaving children alone in the house is a massive no.

I would have to insist she show me where she was standing outside. If its a place where the cameras would pick up then I would give her notice immediately and keep a very watchful eye.

If it's a place she could have stood unnoticed I wouldn't sack her but I'd give her a dressing down about it and watch her very carefully. Was she by any chance smoking out of sight? That's the only reason I can think to hide outside the house.

The comings and goings are being watched! What a weird attitude you have.

Creepy and wrong to check when your doorbell camera "pings" and to worry when the paid babysitter leaves the kids alone?

What is the point of having a camera and a babysitter then?

I am feeling really relieved that this is making others feel as strongly about it as I did! I was on edge the whole evening and anxious overnight about it - I hardly slept.
A few clarifications for those who have asked/commented:

• She hasn't reacted yet as she left as soon as I got home last night and I haven't seen her since then. I have arranged to speak to her after work today.
• My hunch is that she was sitting in boyfriend's van one or two houses down the road - not far but much too far from children you cannot hear or see, in my opinion. I could ask neighbours for CCTV to try to clarify where she was exactly but then I would really be stalking her! If I couldn't see her from my camera then she was too far away.
• She does not drive my children to school - they scoot or take the bus.
• Nevertheless I did not feel at all comfortable with her looking after them on a few hours' sleep but I felt very conflicted about it as if she did not live in my house I would have no idea how much she had slept. If I had a nanny, as many are suggesting, she could get home from a night out and turn up for work without me being any the wiser. Because of feeling conflicted about this I let it pass a few times before the summer. She was away in her home country all of August but I did speak to her before she left and said I know the relationship is new etc. but when she gets back she needs to make sure she is sleeping properly before working.
• Unfortunately this is only practical way for me to afford wraparound childcare as I can't do morning drop offs and there is no breakfast club at my kids' school. However I will have a strict word and look for someone new if I am not happy with the response.

I’d have thought, before any major decisions are made, that having a conversation might prove useful. I wouldn’t make a decision until then. That conversation can include how disappointed you are at her actions and reinforcing your expectations regarding her child care responsibilities. I think until you have that conversation and more importantly, how she responds to that discussion, any decision would be premature.

i would fire her (through appropriate process, but I would consider this gross misconduct)

Also. If she just left partying till 4 am without being mortified and apologising profusely her judgement is completely off and she clearly doesn’t even get what she’s done was wrong. There will be cases much worse than that!