Babysitter left the house

[Piano737]

Au pair living with us, age 20. She babysits approx one night a week, has done so for about six months, kids (4yo twins) have never woken when she has babysat but she knows they do wake occasionally.
Recently she has a new boyfriend who she is spending every waking moment with other than when she has other commitments. We have said he is welcome in the house but not overnight between midnight and 7am - this was our agreement with her before she moved in.
Last night she was babysitting and our front door camera pinged on my phone so I checked the notification and saw that she had walked out of the house and closed the front door. I thought it was odd but thought maybe she had gone out to put something in the bin (right outside front door) so waited a minute or two and then checked to see if she had returned - she hadn't. I panned the security cameras around the front of the house to see if I could see her and could not. They cover the whole of the driveway so probably about 5 metres from the house plus neighbour on one side's driveway.
At this point I panicked that she had forgotten she was babysitting and called her. She said she had gone out to talk to someone and was right outside the house - demonstrably not true as cameras couldn't see her. Boyfriend also drives a distinctive van so I would have seen that on the camera too if it was across the street or next to the house.
I said I was not comfortable with that and could she go back to the house, and reminded her that she could have a guest inside if she wanted to. Three or four mins later she went back inside alone. As soon as we got home around 10.30pm she went out with boyfriend until 4am.
Ironically about an hour after I had asked her to go back inside while babysitting, DD did wake and she needed to settle her which she did successfully - they are very comfortable with her, she does the school run and after school care three days a week.
I have asked to speak to her straight after kids bedtime today as want to understand what was going on in her head to make her leave two four year olds alone out of earshot with no way of her knowing if one of them was crying/looking for an adult in the house. I am feeling really anxious about this and want to check if I am being unreasonable.
YABU - stop stalking her with your cameras, kids are fine.
YANBU - this is crazy behaviour and needs a serious conversation about responsibilities around children.
To add, until boyfriend appeared we were very happy with her. Since boyfriend she has been very distracted and trying to wriggle out of some of her responsibilities to us, but nothing that has made me feel the kids were unsafe until this point.

Regardless of the truth the four year old twins are not her priority and I would be very concerned about that. You need eyes at the back of your head at that age, particularly with two of them! I would be rethinking the arrangement.

I mean fair enough but I’ve got 2 under 2 and a four-hour chunk of sleep is a luxury these days. Certainly not handing in my driving license yet 😂

Well, I wouldn't worry if she was outside but still on your property (though outside of the 5m camera range perhaps); I wouldn't perceive it a problem if my kids woke and cried for a few minutes before being attended to. But I would remind her of your rules/requirements and the importance you place on this. If she persists, she's clearly not the au pair for you.

If you had a live out Nanny, or the children went to a Nursery or Childminder, you would have no idea at all if the people looking after your children were out until 4 am in the morning. just like you have no idea if the staff at school are out until 4 am in the morning...

and unless you are employing the au pair to clean the house all day ? then she can go back to bed whilst the children are at school.

So you will need to bear that in mind when you have your word with her later, stick to the facts of her job description and contract, and what she is employed to do and when she is employed to do it.

'DD did wake and she needed to settle her which she did successfully'
how do you know this ?

Id be furious tbh. Good job youve got the ring doorbell. Not sure i could trust her now 😞

No, but the child would have known where she was by the noise of the hair drier or the shower, and would have been able to find her.
If she is nowhere to be seen outside, not only do they not know where she is, but she isn't going to hear not only the first cry/bump, but any cries thereafter.

Surely you don't really think drying your hair or being in the shower is in any way comparable to being outside, with the front door shut, nowhere near the house?

When my DS was one, DH left him sleeping and went to the shop which was about five doors down, while I was at work. Was this OK? I didn't think so.

The comings and goings are being watched! What a weird attitude you have

I really don't think it's normal to constantly be monitoring your ring doorbell every time it pings 🫣 but then MN in general seems very pro-surveillance which I do find very creepy, even though that's clearly not a popular view on this thread!

I don't think the au-pair has behaved appropriately by the way, but I also don't think it's appropriate to monitor someone like this either.

I know because she messaged later in the evening to let me know while I was still out. I have no reason to assume she wasn't telling the truth.

I absolutely would fire her for gross misconduct.

There are no excuses for this. None.

I'm glad I did check it actually as it meant I was able to get her back into the house. I don't obsessively check it every time it pings - particularly when at work during the day I can't check it anyway - but if I happen to be holding my phone and it pings at a time I am not expecting someone, then yes, I click on the notification.

One of the things which jumps out to me is that you're happy for her boyfriend to be in the house when you're not there but the children are there

Do you know him? Does he have a DBS?

'DD did wake and she needed to settle her which she did successfully'
how do you know this ?
I know because she messaged later in the evening to let me know while I was still out. I have no reason to assume she wasn't telling the truth.

in that case the au pair was looking for ' brownie points ' as that is a conversation one would normally have upon returning home after the evening out, it's not as if you were home late and it's not as if she herself was fast asleep in bed and couldn't tell you.
Maybe she told you in advance to save time as she was indeed going out promptly upon your arrival back home ?

I’d don’t have an au pair or a small child but I do check the notifications on the doorbell 90% of the time unless it’s the standard time that some else is due to leave or come home.

The whole point of a Ring doorbell, though, is precisely to monitor the doorway - deliveries, suspicious characters etc. It’s a home security device?

My whole street now has them as every winter we get a series of burglaries. I walked in on two burglars in my neighbours’ house earlier this year - they have young children and often leave them with a babysitter (sometimes one of my teens). Of course people are going to check Ring notifications when they are out of an evening and have left their children home with a YP. To me it seems extraordinary that, having fitted a security cam doorbell, that checking it would seem odd or over-surveillance.

The mistrust is well placed.

@CautiousLurker imo, there's a difference between checking for evidence because you know something has happened, and checking every time you get a notification of any activity whatsoever.

@Iwishicouldflyhigh it may be well placed but in that case, get rid of the au pair, don't spy on her 🤷‍♀️

@FawnFrenchieMum fair enough - I know I'm unusual on MN as I don't have any kind of home surveillance and have never felt the need to.

I find it all very odd and Orwellian but maybe that's just me

Who mentioned anything about a car? So many posters here just making things up. I'm guessing you and the other posters saying the au pair couldn't possibly drive on low sleep have either never had a baby or never had a license.

It is not acceptable, and I would be concerned if she thought it was. I think I would be letting her go, and looking for a nanny who would be trained to act responsibly.

Well as she seems to want to spend all her time with her boyfriend including leaving young kids home when she should be babysitting I think it's for the best she goes.

This.

Surely this isn't legal?

I'm on the fence honestly but would advise any of my adult and teen children to immediately leave a house where they were being constantly filmed and spied on inside (entering and leaving the house is fine but absolutely not feeling covertly watched constantly - that's suspiciously close to psychological torture, feeling someone might have watched you readjust your underwear or something when the children had their backs to you playing or were napping or in bed asleep in another room or whatever).

For a start, get a different, more reliable, person for babysitting. This au pair can't be trusted to babysit. Assuming you don't need a babysitter loads of times, so just pay the going rate and get piece of mind.

I find very odd that you allow the boyfriend in the house. This is not a very sensible choice.

You're better off getting childminder services if you can't afford a nanny.

Or change working patterns if possible.

Lucky that isn't what's happening here then.

I would not feel comfortable.