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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Normallynumb · 07/09/2024 18:34

So glad you're home
YAY suitcases!
How cute is the panda case?!

Normallynumb · 07/09/2024 18:37

Price label not luggage label d'oh

teddyclown · 07/09/2024 18:38

Yay, that's great news OP, have been following your thread and looking forward to the update ❤

sunnydayhereandnow · 07/09/2024 18:55

Just dropping in to say: op, you are really inspiring. Just so impressed with how you have found the way to have an even better holiday than you planned. Have a great day at Disney and a safe journey home.

RampantIvy · 07/09/2024 19:01

I love a story of triumph over adversity.

alrightluv · 07/09/2024 19:31

Normallynumb · 07/09/2024 18:34

So glad you're home
YAY suitcases!
How cute is the panda case?!

They're still away

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 20:26

alrightluv · 07/09/2024 19:31

They're still away

İ wish a lovely Eurocamp in the woods with a porch under an acorn tree and a swimming pool one minute away was my home though!

So progress! Yay! But there's also a bit of a hiccup turned up, nooo...my positive glow may wane a bit whilst İ go through it. I'll share the positive first though...

Good news first- I set my alarm for seven and told myself I'll try to go to the Paralympics. I was still having some anxiety underneath the optimism, just because I do really struggle with admin and planning, more so with recent fibromyalgia illness related to my hypermobility worsened by pregnancy. And I felt like I'd reached my limit with all these extra arrangements. But I won't go into the brain fog today- ha! İ just didn't feel like I could get through another day of trains and navigating the metro and DD and going in and out of my bag for tickets (don't know why, just is a thing which hurts my brain post pregnancy). Most of all I was thinking about the suitcase and if Paralympics would be a bad idea, as I had found out that the supermarkets are closed on Sundays. once in a lifetime though. But the alarm went off and I thought 'hmmm I feel like I've had enough sleep, even with the lingering background stress'. I had 45 minutes to get ready and get to the train station outside and somehow, even with waking DD up and looking everywhere for my stuff which has become a bit all over the place, reflecting how I've felt since the events of Wednesday night, we got to the station with six minutes to spare.

I'm a bit over the place tonight, I apologise for my ramblings. Just emotionally exhausted, mostly positively, and slightly anxiously.

Paralympics was incredible. We watched the athletics, (well, I did, DD watched my phone, she loved the swimming the other day though) and I cried through most of it. I was so tired and felt it through my bones and was away from the site of where the drama had taken place and saw these incredible athletes going against all the odds and doing so well, and it just broke me. Both with inspiration, sadness for what they had to go through before being champions, and pure overwhelm. The whole stadium erupted any time a French athlete was taking part in a race and I thought of you all, cheering me on with Mumsnet loyalty. I probably should have let myself sob and let it all out loudly, but I kept holding it in as much as I could because there were so many calm stoic French families around me and I didn't want to frighten their children, as the mad English woman, crying at the very top of the Stade du France. I did think of the woman howling at the fake Michael Angelo thread, and I thought 'a completely made up comical characeteur has come to life'. Please bare with me, I lost my last Grandparent at the beginning of the summer and I think with today being a day doing the last thing I wanted to do, it sort of represented the end of Summer for me and made it a bit real.

Anyway, I digressed.

We came out of the stadium and right there was a supermarket. But of course, we couldn't get in. There were festival gates between the roads and the surrounding roads, to make the spectators leave via a certain route and they were placed metres from the supermarket. It would have been very easy to sneak through the gates had they not been surrounded by armed French police 🤣 Then of course, we passed a Decathlon which was also on the other side of the gates. I was so close to being able to grab a suitcase, but also so far. The walk would have been horrendous for DD to walk to the end of the spectator route, back again and then back again to the train station. I decided to just let it go and figure it out once back at the campsite. We go to the station and DD needed a wee. I asked but there were no toilets. I told her to try and hold it until the next stop as it was only one stop and she insisted she couldn't. I always have a nappy in my bag for long journeys if there's an emergency situation but something in me just said "No, see how long she can go before resorting to that". We made it to gare du Nord and instead of going straight to the metro, we headed to the toilets and when we came out, DD pointed to a shop right next to the toilets with lovely bright clothes and jewellery and asked if we could go in and look. (She loves shops!) I usually would say no but because they had nothing for children in there and I knew she couldn't ask me for anything, I said yes. I asked if she was sure as it was just for grown ups and she was so excited and said yes. So we went in and she was looking at everything and I BARELY noticed a wall of suitcases and luggage, until she mentioned it off hand. DD for the win again!

Anyway, long story not being able to made short, but making it less long....I paid 80 euro for the only large suitcase they had. It was left on the floor in the aisle for some reason in front of the display, right in the way...probably so I couldn't miss it 🤣. Then we went for a wander at gare de l'est as I felt so relaxed by that point and of course we passed two luggage shops, the market tourist type shops you get with souvenirs etc, for much cheaper than I'd paid. But I was just happy at that point to be okay. DD saw a mini suitcase (with a panda on, yes! to PP) and I assumed it would be as cheap as their other suitcases and we had both got excited at the thought of having a suitcase each, and then it was 45 euros, (more than their big suitcases!) and I didnt have the heart to break her excitement, after such a lovely day, so I got it for her, as figured we will use it again. It's all gone on the credit card and I'll just pay it off slowly. Hopefully can transfer to a balance transfer interest free card.

Anyway, after a lovely, overwhelming, tiring, but inspiring day, I've realised my keys are at my ex friend's house. I left them there so I wouldn't lose them on the holiday as she has adult children at home all week. I've text her as kindly as possible and asked if she can leave them with my neighbour when she gets back as she will be back before me. Even if we get the same ferry she will be back before me as it takes a bit longer to disembark as a foot passenger and get to the port entrance on the shuttle bus. But she hasn't replied :/ I had locked my door with a spare key and posted it through my door. It just made so much sense when we were friends and I thought she was someone I trusted.

The other thing is DD is coughing and feeling poorly tonight. There's no way we can do Disney if she's still like this tomorrow and to be honest I'd like to spend the day doing laundry, cleaning the caravan as needs to be clean for check out and spending some time talking to the staff, as we've got on really well and I shall miss them.

I haven't booked the travel yet and wanted to make sure I had a suitcase before I chose a time to travel, so that's kinda lucky right now. I was contemplating staying an extra two nights for 80 euros so DD can get over her cold and maybe we could slot Disney in that way when she feels better, but I dont know what to do really as it's all extra expense. I've said to her maybe we can come back in the future and do Disney but she's got her heart set on it and has said that everyone here at the campsite has been to Disney except her.

Anyway, if you're still here, thank you so much.

OP posts:
BrieHugger · 07/09/2024 20:48

I agree this is a “stay extra nights and do Disney” situation. I think you’ll regret not taking DD if you don’t go while it’s right there - and you might never get free tickets again!

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 20:52

Thanks for all the great suggestions btw...shopping trolley, Flixbus, Eurostar, Lille, etc....even if I haven't used them all, I've still had them in my mind as back up options...which does really help when you're anxious about it all, knowing there's options. I guess that's why giving toddlers choices helps 🤣

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 07/09/2024 20:54

Do you have a sensible friend who could go and get your keys for you?

Tuulippes · 07/09/2024 20:58

Gosh OP I don’t know what job you do or if you work but you would be ACE at so many tyoes of jobs. Resiliant, calm, problem solving, good communication, good at writing !! So many skills.
80 euros doesn’t sound too bad for two more days though of course it’s extra expense.( Îd take a picnic to disney if you go cos eating there will be expensive )

MonsteraMama · 07/09/2024 20:58

You're amazing, you've made this such a great holiday for you and DD despite the difficulties when it would've been so easy to just wallow and be miserable.

Do you have a friend or family member back home who could go round and get your keys for you from one of your former friend's adult children?

Tuulippes · 07/09/2024 20:59

Apolloneuro · 07/09/2024 20:54

Do you have a sensible friend who could go and get your keys for you?

This is a good idea.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 21:06

Thank you! I wasn't sure if I was being reckless or not. I still don't know if she's used my tickets or even given them away out of spite and I've tried everywhere to try and register online but to no avail. I asked at reception but they said they only sold tickets and didn't know anything about free tickets. But my brain seems to be a bit clearer now and I've realised I can probably contact Disney and give them the ticket number and see if they've been used. I don't know if there's a UK number but if not I'll buy some international minutes for my phone.

OP posts:
montelbano · 07/09/2024 21:10

All to often I see people called 'incredible mums' when , in reality, they are just being good parents. However having read all your posts, you really are an incredible mum. Your strength and resilience in overcoming a horrid , difficult situation, and giving your daughter the best holiday possible .is admiral. Your daughter is very lucky indeed.
Safe journey home

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 21:10

Apolloneuro · 07/09/2024 20:54

Do you have a sensible friend who could go and get your keys for you?

And @MonsteraMama

Of course, I don't know why this wasn't obvious to me. I don't know if or when her adult children would be in but I could ask a few people if they're able to for me and try not to give them all the details, so they don't kick off at her if she's gone home early and is there. I was just thinking I'd have to call the police if she doesn't reply.

OP posts:
murasaki · 07/09/2024 21:12

You are doing brilliantly. I would have crumbled. Yay for dd spotting the suitcase, holding the wee in, and you both enjoying the paras. Do try Disney, I think phoning is a good idea if you can. And also sending a friend for the keys as a pp suggested. You've got this.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 21:28

Tuulippes · 07/09/2024 20:58

Gosh OP I don’t know what job you do or if you work but you would be ACE at so many tyoes of jobs. Resiliant, calm, problem solving, good communication, good at writing !! So many skills.
80 euros doesn’t sound too bad for two more days though of course it’s extra expense.( Îd take a picnic to disney if you go cos eating there will be expensive )

Awwwww that's so sweet thank you. I'm on limited capacity for work since the last two months as my hypermobility and fibromyalgia made things hard to function mentally a lot. But I'm hoping to work on healing and finding something which works in the future. I don't feel very patient all the time, I do have my shouty mum moments when things get intense at home...mostly during term time when DD has daily meltdowns, but getting onto my disability benefits has really helped me feel stronger lately as I know I've got that stability for me and DD now. But honestly I do believe it's been you lot which have helped me be so calm and there's been some really good people here as well and French people are calm so that's probably helping me stay more grounded. I also know how much DD has been through with my illness when it was really bad earlier in the year, I had barely any money and we couldn't have many days out, I'm determined to make up for it to her and don't want this chance to make it up to her to be ruined by anything. The other day we were at ASDA and she asked to go on one of those electronic toy plane rides they have there and I said yes, because we can afford it now. She was so excited that I said yes, because so often I've had to say no, to not let her expect it all the time, as some are 2 quid and money was so tight with lockdown, cost of living and being on basic benefits and being too ill to work, as well as her not being able to cope at full time nursery/reception with her autism and mutism. But then the little plane wasn't working and she was heartbroken. She said to me 'you always say no and you said yes this time and it's not working'. She was so sad I had to tell her we were visiting a theme park on holiday but not which one. I think that's why I can't let it be ruined. I've made her a promise and I have so much fun time making up to do from lockdown, cost of living stress etc. i haven't always been a good mum, all the stress of the last few years of what's been going on in the world have made it so hard to be present with DD and understanding of her meltdowns, but i think im getting there, and i guess I just want to keep it up and not ever go back to those harder times.

OP posts:
murasaki · 07/09/2024 21:36

Well you have problem solving down pat and thats a great skill.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 07/09/2024 21:40

Gosh OP I don’t know what job you do or if you work but you would be ACE at so many tyoes of jobs. Resiliant, calm, problem solving, good communication, good at writing !! So many skills.

The other day I thought the same & I was picturing OP as an army officer - she seemed to have all the qualities for that.😁

Well done, OP! This holiday is certainly an adventure, & it's so sweet that DD is engaged in it all.

I'm wondering about 'friend'. How in the world could anyone ignore your messages & just clear off home? Might she try to C her A by turning up or contacting you to say she'll pick you up in France, & say of course that was her plan all along? But now you're a free spirit. Whatever you decide to do, have fun & I hope everything goes well.

Normallynumb · 07/09/2024 21:44

You truly are an inspiration OP
You've navigated a really difficult year, and I can now see how much you
needed this holiday.
You've been so resourceful when abandoned in such a cruel way.
Your DD has a wonderful role model in you.
If you're feeling up to it, and can afford the 80 euros, I think your DD would be thrilled to visit DLP

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 07/09/2024 21:45

murasaki · 07/09/2024 21:12

You are doing brilliantly. I would have crumbled. Yay for dd spotting the suitcase, holding the wee in, and you both enjoying the paras. Do try Disney, I think phoning is a good idea if you can. And also sending a friend for the keys as a pp suggested. You've got this.

I probably would usually crumble, but I just think The Universe really wants me to have a good week. It's sent everyone and everything we need so far.

OP posts:
Tahlbias · 07/09/2024 21:51

You are an inspiration OP! I probably would have fallen apart by now. Keep being you 💖

alrightluv · 07/09/2024 21:57

Yes I agree with others. Without your health issues you'd be doing great. But with them you're awe inspiring.

I hope someone can get your keys?

Scattery · 07/09/2024 21:58

As difficult as this trip has been, you and your DD will come out of it with memories. Hundreds of "Remember whens?" that you can ask each other for the rest of your lives. :)