To tell friend that I won’t do this and why?

[Itllfalloff]

Good friend, we meet through our kids in primary school but year 4 she moved hers to a private school in the next town over. We still see them lots.

Our local excellent 6th form is state and as its over subscribed has decided to move to only accepting children who have been state educated from Year 1. It’s already none selective - as in, you just need to be good at the subjects you want to study not have amazing GCSEs across the board. It has outstanding results and lots kids end up in Oxbridge and other great universities.

I fully support this. Friend obvs does not and wants to start a local campaign against this - with my help as I’m in marketing/branding/PR type role, am tech savvy and have run community campaigns.

So my choices are - lie and say I’m too busy to get involved, but she might out me under pressure still.

Tell the truth - I think it’s great because more children in the postcode areas which include our cities largest council estate and areas of deprivation will have a chance to go to this excellent school. And perhaps have life changing opportunities because of this.
I am morally opposed to private schools, but we have never discussed this. Her kids her choice, my kids my choice. I sort have let them assume we can’t afford private schooling, which isn’t true.

YANBU - tell her the truth. You support this move and think it’s for the greater good.

YABU - lie, fudge it.

What are the legalities of that decision by the college? Are they able to select on the basis of a wholly state school education?

Selection on the basis of high grades in subjects a student wants to take at A level, is normal and sensible. I haven’t heard of selection by state school though.

Having said that, I can see, that if you’re an advocate of state education, you would want to get your child into a state college, particularly if it means there’s more equality of opportunity for children who are able, but disadvantaged financially.

Fudge it. I've never known as many relatively privileged people get so wound up about anything as much they do about as any restrictions whatsoever on private schools or their pupils. It'll only cause bad feeling.

Is friend expecting you to do this for nothing? Why should you give up your time and expertise for a cause you don't believe in.

I can't speak for your friend, but personally I would respect that decision.

Be vague and non commital.

• it's not a battle I can fight at the moment.
• you might get more luck finding a sympathetic Councillor
• I can see why you feel that way.

I would just tell her what I actually felt. I'm not saying that is a good tactic, but I would just say it nicely and hopefully agree to differ.

Personally I can't see how it is legally acceptable for a state sixth form to turn down a child on the basis that they have been privately educated at some stage.

I'd just be honest - surely she'll be paying for private 6th form too?!

No idea what year they're in now, but if they're that desperate to get into that 6th form then they can move their child back to the state school and just say they had to move schools for a few years due to "issues".

It's nice they're prioritising state school pupils but they shouldn't exclude private pupils. A grade 7 from a state school is worth more than a grade 7 from a private school, so they should insist on higher entry grades from private school pupils and off them places if there are any spaces left.

It would be a conflict of interest for you to help in a professional capacity with this campaign and may interfere with your child's place.

Would she want to jeopardise your child's education?

I'd say that.

I’ve been in a similar-ish position myself. I make no judgement on other people’s choices re education, and assume (don’t care if I’m right or wrong) other people afford me the same consideration. So when I was in your shoes, I was honest about my thoughts. Why would I have lied or been economic with the truth? People can take me as they find me, or not at all 🤷🏻‍♀️. For your situation, I’d say something like:

Thanks for thinking of me. I really admire your proactive approach to Sally and Ben’s education, you’ve always been very intentional with your choices. I don’t think I’m the right person for you to ask for help with this, though: the current policy suits our family very well and I don’t want it to change. I firmly believe excellent, potentially life-changing education should be open to everyone from all walks of life (so it pays dividends into the workplace and beyond) and agree with them that this means kids from underserved communities - demonstrated by an unbroken history of state education - should be prioritised. I actually believe in this policy - I guess it’s my intentional approach to education. Good luck with this though, it’ll be interesting to see how they respond.

“Sorry Genevieve, I’m OK with the new policy so won’t be joining the campaign. Hope school is going well for Crispin and Leonora x”

Lots of state 6th forms have similar criteria. Just as applicants from the estate postcode will get first dibs over my kids if it came down to it.
They can also stipulate - though this isn’t the route they’re going down, I know someone in leadership at the college- that they accept only from schools within the same postcodes that kids live in - which would knock out all but 3 private schools two of which are boarding and have fees of £40k plus so I don’t think those parents would be interested in anything state!

She's going to get absolutely nowhere with that campaign.

I'd just say that to her and say it would be too much work for no reward.

That’s excellent advice. And yes she would expect me to help out free as we’re friends and I have been involved in lots of community organising before- but for things like starting up a food bank, helping run a after school programme in schools in the low socio economic areas of our city, organising a community fair .. that kind of thing.

I can't vote because how much do you want to keep her as a friend? If it was me I'd say that I don't use my professional skills for contentious community campaigning (assuming that the stuff you have previously done wasn't locally contentious ie it was the whole community taking on an external entity like a local council. )
If you are going to lie then the too busy/stressed is a good one. If she is going to pressurise you in the face of that, is she a friend that you want?

‘I'd just be honest - surely she'll be paying for private 6th form too?!’

No, this college has more Oxbridge success than any private school in the county and they have their eye on Oxbridge for the eldest. Plus she thinks that using a state 6th form looks better on an UCAS form given the move to be more diverse in unis when it comes to kids backgrounds.
And they have several kids in private so saving £ is a consideration…

I'd be honest with her but my friends and I have those types of relationships.

I think for me it would come down to how much I value our friendship. If you're worried it'll ruin it if you say something then I'd fudge it, if not I'd be honest.

I'd definitely not do it if she is doing it out of self interest. and yes it sounds as though the "contentious issues" reason would work for you.

@Itllfalloff I am not au fait with the english system but do the private schools not run their own 6th year like the ones in scotland??

Fuck it, I think I’ll fess up. The reality is her kids, and mine, have plenty of other options if we don’t get exactly what we want at the time.
My children should be able to apply and get in given where we live, how they should do etc but honestly if they didn’t then they’ll be fine else where too.

Much too long winded and pompous.

This one is better:

Sorry Genevieve, I’m OK with the new policy so won’t be joining the campaign. Hope school is going well for Crispin and Leonora x”

Yes, but this college is excellent and FREE ! Also, I know many private parents who think that sending their kids to state for 2 years will make them more attractive to ‘good’ universities

@Itllfalloff sending their kids to state for 2 years so sixth form takes 2 years????

Yes A-levels are two year courses.

@Itllfalloff in scotland unis pick the varied kids from postcodes. not sure if i have said that correcty/ if the are looking for diversity then they go via postcode thinking affluent parents wont live there and send their kids to local schools.

Tell her you are too busy to get involved in this but suggest that she needs to speak to her local MP.

I don't suppose the local parent group will care much about her campaign anyway

I would try a very clear "No sorry, I can't" first.

You may well end up talking about the reasons but it's worth a punt at getting your decision across without. You can always give more away later. Don't risk upsetting her/causing a rift unless you have to.

With any luck she will pick up on you not wanting to talk about why, and take you at your word. The more you say, the more pear shaped it can go.