To tell friend that I won’t do this and why?

[Itllfalloff]

Good friend, we meet through our kids in primary school but year 4 she moved hers to a private school in the next town over. We still see them lots.

Our local excellent 6th form is state and as its over subscribed has decided to move to only accepting children who have been state educated from Year 1. It’s already none selective - as in, you just need to be good at the subjects you want to study not have amazing GCSEs across the board. It has outstanding results and lots kids end up in Oxbridge and other great universities.

I fully support this. Friend obvs does not and wants to start a local campaign against this - with my help as I’m in marketing/branding/PR type role, am tech savvy and have run community campaigns.

So my choices are - lie and say I’m too busy to get involved, but she might out me under pressure still.

Tell the truth - I think it’s great because more children in the postcode areas which include our cities largest council estate and areas of deprivation will have a chance to go to this excellent school. And perhaps have life changing opportunities because of this.
I am morally opposed to private schools, but we have never discussed this. Her kids her choice, my kids my choice. I sort have let them assume we can’t afford private schooling, which isn’t true.

YANBU - tell her the truth. You support this move and think it’s for the greater good.

YABU - lie, fudge it.

I voted YABU only because I think you should keep it vague. This is making the assumption you want to keep her as a friend.

I think you sound lovely, helping with amazing community projects etc. stick to your principles, however, there may come a time where you have to stop being vague and start being direct / honest.

Of course parents who send their DC to private school aren’t on the bones of their arse. It’s a lifestyle choice they make in order to be able to afford the fees.

But the point posters were making is that some parents sacrifice a more comfortable lifestyle in order to pay for private schooling. We have private schools near me that cost less than £8000 per year. Lots of “ordinary” folk could pay that by cutting out luxuries - no holidays, a small loan, sacrifice a family car etc. If you were truly scraping by then of course that would be out of reach - it would be out of reach for us currently. But it’s not a ridiculously high sum - there are many private schools that cost 5-10 times more. The point is, they’re not all the province of the wealthy.

It would be lovely if state schools provided a flexible, decent education with a broad spectrum that covered a full range of interests, skills, and talents - and properly supported those with additional needs.

But they don’t.

If your DC flourish in a state school, and you have good schools nearby then you’re lucky.

But many children struggle because state education is inflexible and narrow (and not the fault of the teachers!)

Some children have a talent for sport/music etc that state schools consider trivial.

I’m not even going to touch on SEN because honestly it’s just woeful.

Some kids go to private school because their parents are rich, and are all the things you say. But it’s not all of them. And not every private school is like that.

This rhetoric of hate against kids who go to private schools is really unpleasant because it doesn’t consider the many children who would fail in the state system.

There are lots of families who really stretch to scrape together the fees - I’m sure they’d rather access a free education for their DC. But our education system is broken - just look at the countless threads on here.

I don’t understand the vitriol directed at children educated at private schools. What’s next? Slagging off folk who use BUPA for healthcare?!

I’d be totally honest, I find that’s much easier :D

I genuinely believe that if, even by scrimping/saving/cutting back you have a spare £8k or more - you have at least reasonable wealth, compared to “ordinary” people.

I don’t actually believe in the benefits of private education personally, but to be honest it’s up to them what they spend their spare cash on, their money. But if you choose to spend it on private education or healthcare it’s unreasonable to then complain about it.

Also - those parents who send their kids private but would rather access free education should therefore send their kids to state school, because that is free.

No - what’s mean spirited is someone who can scrimp to afford a private school spot campaigning to take one away from a family who have nothing to scrimp on. Can you not see that?

The OP’s friend is in exactly this position: she has money she can and has spent to give her children an advantage that other people could never give their children. Now she wants to campaign to give her children ANOTHER advantage, at the expense of children who have no other choice.

It’s not the politics of their envy. It’s the politics of your greed. I know so, so many parents of friends and peers who are exactly like this. It’s incredibly ugly. They can’t bear that they and by extension their children don’t have something - anything - that other people have.

Your very examples of champagne, steak, a flight upgrade say it all. The families the OP‘s friend is seeking to deny an opportunity are people who want an education to earn enough to secure a stable job, a stable roof over their heads, not have to choose between eating and filling the meter, not have to choose between new school shoes or a winter coat that fits.

Listen to yourself.

She sounds quite thick to be honest. Can she not see the wider picture? Cringing for her that she even asked.

I'd be honest with her. If your friendship can't stand up to a difference of opinion it's not much of a friendship really.

‘I don’t understand the vitriol directed at children educated at private schools. What’s next? Slagging off folk who use BUPA for healthcare?!’

I don’t believe such a two tiered education system is good for the overall state of education in the U.K. I’m not directing vitriol at private kids, I’m pointing out that they have enough privilege as it is and that because of this immense privilege other kids may need other opportunities.
And as for using BUPA - fill your boots, so long as you pay the charges INCLUDING VAT and anything else… use private education, but accept that perhaps this means you won’t be front of the queue every time everywhere else

Why would you do shit tons of free work for her kids benefit and to the detriment of your own kids? Shes barking!

I believe in being truthful to my friends - if just say that I don't disagree with their policy, so can't help her.

I would just say that it's not a good cause for you to invest time in because you don't have anything to do with the private school system. But you can see why it's of interest to her and you hope she gets the outcome she's looking for.

Not an answer to your question, but I wonder how the 6th form will treat privately educated students who were expecting to carry on in private 6th form but are now forced out because of the VAT hike on fees. How are they being treated fairly?

She wants to keep a very firm grip on her privilege. Not an attractive quality.

What i's say would depend on how annoyed I was by that!

The deed is done! I said I don’t have the time, and while I’m sad that our kids won’t be in 6th form together ( if they were going to be) that I think the change is something I support… she knows I’m a WC hippy at heart who is passionate about education for WC kids, as I was a first-ever-to uni poor kid and I volunteer in a ‘tough’ school at the moment. We have had many discussions over the years about how hard it is for a kid from a low socioeconomic background to get to Uni compared to the pathway for a MC or posh kid so …