To tell friend that I won’t do this and why?

[Itllfalloff]

Good friend, we meet through our kids in primary school but year 4 she moved hers to a private school in the next town over. We still see them lots.

Our local excellent 6th form is state and as its over subscribed has decided to move to only accepting children who have been state educated from Year 1. It’s already none selective - as in, you just need to be good at the subjects you want to study not have amazing GCSEs across the board. It has outstanding results and lots kids end up in Oxbridge and other great universities.

I fully support this. Friend obvs does not and wants to start a local campaign against this - with my help as I’m in marketing/branding/PR type role, am tech savvy and have run community campaigns.

So my choices are - lie and say I’m too busy to get involved, but she might out me under pressure still.

Tell the truth - I think it’s great because more children in the postcode areas which include our cities largest council estate and areas of deprivation will have a chance to go to this excellent school. And perhaps have life changing opportunities because of this.
I am morally opposed to private schools, but we have never discussed this. Her kids her choice, my kids my choice. I sort have let them assume we can’t afford private schooling, which isn’t true.

YANBU - tell her the truth. You support this move and think it’s for the greater good.

YABU - lie, fudge it.

Well, yes! A levels taken2 years, though they also offer some BTEC courses

I'm confused by your exaggerated confusion!

I’d just be direct. ‘Hi friend, I hear your frustration about this - but I feel differently about educational access. While I fully support all the choices you and your family have made, I can’t in all good conscience put my professional time behind this campaign.’

Don’t get drawn into an emotional debate about it. Just calmly say no thanks without digging into the details.

separately - as the mother of a clutch of children in the private sector - I am perpetually horrified by the outraged pearl clutching of other private school parents about access. We are paying literally hundreds of thousands of pounds other people don’t have for what we feel is an advantage for our. Children. It’s ok for them not to be at the very front of the queue for Every. Single. Thing.

hell. I’ll join your counter campaign. Your friend sounds excruciatingly un self aware.

Awkward.

'I'm sorry I can't. I just don't have the time or bandwidth to do that right now'

& hope she doesn't press it!!

It's not a 6th year, it's year 12 & 13. The name is a throwback to when the system was in "forms" with each form taking 2 years. They went through lower first, upper first, lower second etc all the way up.

When I went to senior school, the very youngest year group were the UIIIs (upper threes)

DD went to a selective state secondary school. It was full of kids who'd been to private primary and whose parents had effectively bought them a place at the state school. Private primaries can coach for entrance exams, state schools can't.

This school's policy may be to avoid something like this and give talented children from disadvantaged backgrounds more opportunities. I don't see anything wrong with that.

@Phloopey totally lost me! in scotland we have primary 1 - 7 then secondary 1 - 6. my grandaughter went to a school which had form one to form 13. she is now at a school where it is L1 - L7 and form 1 - 6

I wouldn't tell her that you are morally opposed to private schools. I would absolutely, however, tell her that you support the state sixth form's decision, so won't be getting involved in her campaign.

Someone at work privately educated thier children un to 6th form then sent them state for 6th form.... (a selective one based on gcse results... one of the top in london) so that they and I quote "had a better chance of getting into a good uni as came.from a state school"

Therefore I think YANBU

I was quite shocked that thinking existed! Me and my rose tinted glasses! Felts bad for the comparatively "poor" child who didn't get a place because of that

Every single child in the local area should be able to attend in principle. But it's totally fine for them to prioritise state kids. Else they could just flood the school leaving equally deserving kids disadvantaged. Private schools openly prioritise the privileged as their entire raison detre, so for someone to use private and then be disgusted at not being prioritised in the state system sounds ridiculous. Like try to have your cake and eat it.
Definitely just say you've got too many other projects on. Morally it's batty she should try and set up such a campaign.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld it's frankly weird that we still say sixth form. Just a throwback.

I would tell her you’re too busy, but I agree that it’s wrong for a state school to discriminate against children based on choices their parents made. State schools should serve all children in their local area who wants a place. Distance criteria would be much more fair.

I was going to say I bet she's heard that Universities are prioritising non private school kids these days and has realised her mistake.

Tough.

And you want to stay friends with someone as grasping as this?!

I have have friends who sent their kids to private school - with predictable results - and we agree to disagree. They'd never dream of involving me in such a scheme.

@Pipecleanerrevival 's response is good, I was going to say similar, just say you don't have an issue with the policy rather than outright stating you support it.

In fairness to anyone not from England, NI or Wales (?), it's really weird! Sixth form sounds like one year, it's strange that that's not what it means.

Tell her it's not something up you want to be involved in since your child is at the school

I had lower 6th and upper 6th when I was at school doing my A levels.

Yes I gather that's common but calling two years of school "sixth form" is very weird to those of us not used to that system. It intuitively sounds like one year.

Just sticking up for PP who was confused!

it is a distance criteria - they prioritise those from certain postcodes then it expands out. If they did t they’d have parents from neighbouring counties applying. In theory they could now but would be so far down the list given that the 6th form ( they call that! ) college is full of kids from our city and a few close-ish town. I suppose she’s pissed off that it’s a 10 min walk for them but kids from the next town who come to class on the train over will now get first choice…

I don’t think you’re unreasonable refusing to help on a campaign you don’t support. Absolutely tell her why though.

But that’s really poor of the college to exclude children. The parents presumably pay taxes and haven’t used the state provision for 8 years. They should be able to access the free college too.

I would fudge it tbh and maybe even say you are doing some free work in your spare time for some other cause you are passionate about (save the bees whatever, make something up). Or if you tell the truth just say that you don’t think the schools’s decision is unreasonable in the circumstances. Make it about the wider context of the community rather than her and her kids.

In England we have Reception and years 1-6 in primary, then years 7-13 at secondary. Y12 and 13 are A Level. Pretty simple.

However, back in the day, the numbering used to start from scratch at secondary school, so 1st form to 5th form, followed by '6th Form', which was divided into 2 years - Lower 6th and Upper 6th. For some reason, Y12 and Y13 are still often referred to by the old names.

Well, they’ve made the choice to take their child out of the state system for perceived advantages so personally I think that’s tough! I’m not going to feel sorry for children of the wealthy because they might have to stay at their posh school!!
As for the tax thing… we don’t opt out of paying tax towards things we don’t like or use. I have quite a few childless, high earning friends and not once have I heard them complain that they are paying into an education system they don’t use.

Tell the truth.