To feel sad I’m becoming less adventurous and more scared of things

[Minesacherrycoke]

I moved abroad at 23, have more or less travelled the world, loved adventure, driving in India & Morocco, staying in dodgy places, living in a whole new culture, learning new languages, not a lot phased me.
I now have a yearning to return to live in the U.K., not fly again or rarely, just lead a very safe life…feel like I’m becoming a bit scared of things/insecure
Does this just naturally happen more with age (46) or there something wrong
Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes, as with threads about loneliness and lack of friends.

OP, it’s up to you to decide whether this is something you’re happy to lean in to for now, and let the future bring what it may (you may redevelop your adventurous streak, or, conversely, come to enjoy opting permanently for a quieter life), or whether you think it’s a problem or phobia which is limiting your life in significant and negative ways.

I got on a plane when I was in my early 20s with a suitcase and moved countries with no job and no place to stay 😂

I took my kids all over the world and loved it

I just recently bought a static caravan on the south coast so I could holiday in the UK with my dog when I want. The thought of having to use an airport in summer holidays now fills me with dread!

(My kids are now in their 20s and I'm 51. I'm fully supportive in them travelling - I'm quite happy at home with my feet up!)

I also lived a very adventurous life between 18 and 30 and now in my 40s tend towards safety and stability, and prefer local holidays to exotic destinations. For me, it's the need to be there for my kids and for my kids to be safe that drives this feeling. Also it's partly tiredness and overwhelm - it's a lot more effort to explore further or worry about more things then I already do! I also just don't think our family needs that kind of adventure to be happy right now. So in many ways my world has progressively become a bit smaller over the years of having small kids. In fairness though I can see it starting to expand again now my kids are getting older.

I think regardless of how far we travel or how exotic the things we do are though, we are still an adventurous and physical family - so while others we know are jumping on planes at every opportunity - we stick somewhat local (we still fly but only occasionally in Europe so far) , but we are camping, mountain biking, swimming, kayaking, hiking. I wouldn't stress it OP, it all sounds pretty normal to me and I think every age comes with it's own adventures and they take different forms - having kids is the wildest adventure I've been on so far , so I'm not surprised it's enough for now

I'm 30s, no kids but feeling like this a lot lately. I suspect it's to do with burnout and all the adrenaline from a chaotic childhood and 20s wearing off. I just want to feel safe and cosy - I have no desire to travel to other countries or even around the UK(!) which I used to do all the time for work.

I wonder if it's to do with the pandemic? My world shrank then and became just a bit more fearful and I feel like it's never gone back to how big it was...

I think it's quite common for women of a certain age to start feeling anxious about something that they previously had no problem with.

I started feeling this way about 10 years ago. I'd watched as my mother made her life much smaller over the years so was determined to not to do the same.

I decided that every year I would try to do something new that scared me.

In my case this involved things like learning to swim so I could swim out of my depth in the sea, going on a big rollercoaster of the type I wouldn't usually go on or doing one of those high climb rope things.

Lockdown stopped me for a few years but I've found doing my scary thing has helped elsewhere and I don't feel my world is getting smaller.

I may have inadvertently scheduled three scary things for next year two of which involve travelling overseas on my own- I'm making up for the lockdown years 😂

I remember that feeling very well, Hey, and I really feel for you.

After years of travel and adventures, I ran into health problems in my early 40s and life seemed to dwindle away into something small and boring.

Like you, I had no partner or kids. I really started to notice how hard it is to make new friends when most people your age are settled into family life or at least with a long-term circle of friends.

Also I was navigating big unwanted life changes including bereavement, end of a long relationship and moving to a different area. I had to reassess my life, see where the choices I’d made (often without fully realising at the time) had led me and how to make the best of where I’d ended up.

I’m now over 60 and, to my surprise, have never been happier.

It’s partly luck and partly having learned to value things I took lightly when I was younger, eg relationships —with friends and others, not only family or lovers, though I am now happily married, to someone I met through friends. Also, I have lost my urge to travel to remote places, excel in my career, do amazing things. Life is far more enjoyable now I’m no longer constantly pushing myself!

I hope everyone here makes it through the midlife blaaah and finds lasting happiness.

Meanwhile, I recommend new interests, hobby groups, good causes you can help without draining yourself. All the ways you can put fun and friendship back into your life.

Iceland, so it's a very safe country anyway. I get it if you've been living somewhere dangerous these past 20+ years!

@HeyPrestoAlakazam I have a DH and adult kids, but I go on solo trips often because I like my space, and they are all very busy.

I am on one such in a developing country right now. I have turned and said wow to some of my fellow travellers! I make friends while travelling.

I am more careful and it was about this age, very probably peri menopausal related. I climbed my last tree in my forties. In some ways I regret it now but now at 58 I’m not doing it again. I also stopped scrambling. I did the stuff that is close to actual climbing but no ropes or crampons, foolish really and my friends who did climb really told me off. I did have to do some lower level scrambling on a walk a couple of years ago and I realised how much I missed it.

Im more careful because I am very aware that if I break a leg or get an injury it will take a lot longer to heal.

As @MumblesParty writes, I also don’t want to tolerate discomfort. I remember staying in a dorm in a youth hostel in New York in Spanish Harlem. I just wouldn’t do that now. Plus I can now afford a decent hotel.

I could have written this - sending hugs! When the pandemic hit, I got used to thinking about things in terms of essential activities and miss the spontaneity of booking a train/getting a bus somewhere just to go and explore somewhere new my brain now thinks, 'well, it's not essential really is it, so why bother?' :(

I'm also struggling with a new upcoming job and potential move to a new city which has made the anxiety feel so much worse. I keep zoning in on crime stories in the news and newspapers about the new city and think god, I really don't want to move there, even though I know I am being biased and looking for those things to validate my fears. The younger me would have packed up and been so excited about starting a new chapter in a brand new city.

I wonder if it's partly a kind of nesting - a kind of innate protective mechanism that just happens as you get older? For me, it is definitely a traumatic and disordered childhood and then the London housing crisis in my 20s which meant I was moving every 6/9 months for years... I've lived for a few years in the city I am in now I think actually, I like having stability and routine and order in my life. It doesn't help that I'm in a career that requires moving around a fair bit until you get a permanent job.

I like the idea that one PP had about setting a goal for one adventurous thing to do a year so might be worth a go? I just feel like I've lost my imagination to even daydream about exciting things/adventures some days!!

It can do. It depends. Are you scared or do you just want a calmer life?

I was just reading this and thinking ‘Would I ever be scared of travelling overseas solo?’ and realising that solo, no. What I can find very stressful is travelling in some way that’s ‘difficult’ when solo with my young son, because I grew up with an ultra-timid, catastrophising mother, whom I had to ‘parent’ from a very young age, so I’m probably too conscious of a desire to model cheerful competence in unfamiliar circumstances. We did a complicated, though not long, journey this summer involving lots of different modes of transport and some mildly dodgy areas in very hot conditions, to meet DH before going on a joint holiday with friends, and I’d have been fine with all of it if I were solo!

The world feels less travel-friendly now to be honest. Airports feel quite hostile and lots of touristy places are just blatantly out to fleece tourists. The non-tourist places are often non-tourist for a reason.

I can relate in a way, I'm 45. In my 20s I moved abroad for a couple of years, then lived in a couple of different cities in the UK, and then moved to a third where I knew no one in my early 30s. I couldn't imagine doing that now although I still love travel. But that doesn't bother me - what does is my greater fear now to try new things that I know I'll find difficult. I'm rubbish at sports/physical activities that require coordination but used to be up for giving things a go. I've totally lost that confidence and I'm not sure why.

@Bibblunders

DH & I

well, not everyone has a DH who they travel with, it's not the same.

Fluctuating oestrogen plays havoc with all sorts of things and heightened anxiety is quite common in peri menopause. Lots of women get nervous of motorway driving for instance.

It’s not necessarily a forever more thing. It’s not exactly oestrogen, but the other hormones the brain releases to remind the ovaries they have a job to do that interferes with our brains and personalities. It all eventually settles down.

The women in my family were bloody amazing people as they got older so I’m inclined to be hopeful.

On the meantime hrt is helpful

I think you just are more aware of what can go wrong as you get older and you lose friends to horrible health issues

I can't do rides anymore!! I used to love them , and couldn't wait until DD was old enough so we could do them together. She's a real thrill seeker now, but I just can't go on them anymore. It does make me sad.

Good for you.

This reminds me of my relative - up until her 40s she was an absolute thrill seeker - would bungee jump, go on the scariest rides, you name it, she'd do it and love it! (Whereas I've always been scared of things like that). But she's now in her early 60s and for the last 15 years or so she's totally lost her nerve to do things like that.

Yes. As you get older your generally get less adventurous. I'm 70 now and cannot believe the things that I won't or can't do anymore.

Well, here's the perspective of an old person. I was adventurous (and stupid), when I was young, then much more timid in middle age. Now as an oldie I'm like "fuck it, I'll be dead soon anyway", and I pretty much do as I want.

This is exactly why I travel adventurously, and without my DH. Because I have lost friends to cancer and other diseases, and I want to seize the day before I too come down with something. I have not lost anyone to travelling though.

I’m 47 and really struggling with this too. We’re on holiday in New Zealand and I’ve had a panic attack in the car, the winding roads and risk of falling off a cliff are becoming to much for me, I’m trying to pull myself together. I never used to be like this, not a dare devil in the past but I always managed ok, got myself places in one piece.