Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

[ElizaGolightly]

AIBU that no one warns you about completely surreal moments having a baby/child?

For example, I've been promised that nipple shields will save my life when breastfeeding my 2nd. I put them on - I now have plastic cones on my boobs that give Madonna a run for her money. So glam! Also who has the longest nipples in the world enough for these things!

DC2 sleeps very loudly. DH and I decide to DTD and he starts grunting (DC2 not DH). I realise shushing him works slightly so all the way through we alternate shushing the baby while trying to still concentrate.

Is it me that parenting is completely surreal sometimes and no one warns you that you will say and do things that are completely mad? Please tell me we aren't the only ones who have lost our minds and any dignity we once had?

RabbitsRock
I asked my daughter the same thing when dropping her off at the station for a long journey. She was 39 and the mother of 2 children. I can still see her face as I asked her

Definitely 🤣 noone gives you instructions!

I cried every morning for the first 2 weeks because we were still counting his age in days and he was another day older. I didn't want my baby to grow up so fast 😂

I've just remembered that awful afternoon when I put dd1 down for a nap (pfb,so she had to nap in her cot,or the world would end)

She was about 8/9 months old

It had been one of those days-shed been a witch,nagging,whinging and irritating (I seem to think it was a heatwave that day so we where both hot and bothered)

I gratefully shoved her in her cot,wearing nothing but a nappy and I could hear her settling

It went quiet so I sat,gratefully having a cuppa in peace

About an hour and a half later,I could hear her stirring so went up

I've never seen anything like it-shed pood-it was all over her,the cot,her bedding and all over the walls,furntiure and carpet

My baby was covered in her own shit-all I could see where her eyes and her huge grin

I remember sobbing as I put her in the bath and mentally preparing to clean her cot/bedding/walls/carpet/wardrobe/chest of drawers

That was the last time she went to sleep in just a nappy-from then on,it was a vest at a bare minimum

13 days my youngest went without a poo. He was miserable, couldn’t settle him for love nor money and no amount of tummy massages were shifting what he was holding on to.

One teeny tiny dose of lactulose, whilst laying nappy free on his changing mat and left under the supervision of Mil whilst I showered when he decided to set free Willy wonka’s chocolate river!

Que many muffled exchanges between mil and oh and now growing alarmed I emerge with a head full of shampoo dripping wet to investigate.

What I can only describe as sheer carnage has unfolded. My oh is retching and throwing up out of the back door, my mil has grabbed little lord poop shooter himself and is holding him at arms length repeatedly muttering omg omg and the dog, well he decided that the river of liquid turd that had now spilled over from the change mat to the rug was a free for all and was simultaneously licking up the liquid Nutella whilst being showered in it as it continued to seep out of the demon shart sprayer.

Haemorrhoids might not go away.... 😔

Reading this thread with a big sense of thank god it wasn’t just us 😂😂

I vividly remember 3 day old DS having a bath, objecting in a way the whole street could hear. I was just wearing a dressing gown and organising his clean suit whilst DP tried to dry him off, but my milk was just in and started squirting uncontrollably in every direction. No one prepared me for this. Just sat there with 2 firehoses gushing thinking wtf have we done 😂😂

I remember hearing about how once you have a child you will power through any illness you have… thinking a cold.
I wasn’t prepared for the worst food poising ever ….coming out both ends.
Poor dh who had already witnessed my dignity leaving the room during childhood having to latch the baby to bf all while I was lying on the bathroom floor.

We laugh now

The fact that they would try to sit down and have a poo in the cat litter - when they were 2! Only happened a couple of times when my older child was half asleep, but it was so funny! 😆

Commando crawling out of my 1 year olds room because she was a bit out of sorts and I thought she'd finally fallen asleep, by the time I'd crawled on my elbows along the side cotbed I thought I was home and dry and hung a right to go round the bottom of the bed and out of the door, I glanced up to find her stood up grinning down at me proper here's Johnny in the shining style, just calmly quietly watching me crawl along the floor like a toral idiot. I nearly jumped out of my skin 😂😂

Aha these are amazing! Today my 3.5 year old told me ‘I made a willy friendship bracelet - for YOU!’ with the happiest sweetest grin having looper the plug chain round said willy. I also vividly remember having like an out of body ‘oh you are not at all back to normal, you’re not in control of your mind at all yet’ whilst sobbing and singing ‘five little ducks’ cos the mummy was sad none of her ducks came back when he was 6 weeks old. In my mind he was SO GROWN by then. I cried when my mum pointed out he was grabbing for something for the first time at about 12 weeks cos he ‘wasn’t a newborn any more’ and I’d somehow missed it?! Not sentimental or bittersweet tears proper devastation. What a world.

I have had full on auditory hallucinations twice in my life.

Once I was 18 in a coffee shop in Amsterdam and had eaten a pretty strong space cake snd nothing else all day. I heard a baby crying and then looked round for the baby and realised there couldn't be a baby in there. I stopped hearing the crying after that.

Then, 15 years after that (and having not touched any drugs for at least 10 years), I was at home with my 4 day old baby who was fast asleep in a carrycot, and I could NOT stop hearing him cry. We had the radio on quietly, I was falling asleep on the couch, and about every 20 seconds I would turn round to DH and say, The baby's crying isn't he? The baby's crying now. But that must be him. He's crying now isn't he? I could see the baby lying still in his carrycot, fast asleep, but I could hear him clear as anything.

Very, very freaky.* *

Making little sound effects for everything, even if my child isn't with me... Vooop goes the letter into the postbox; weeee goes the trolley down the aisle 😆

Or feeling milk let-down when seeing a photo of a cute animal. Totally bizarre.

An anyone else remember weaning and sitting there with a spoon to baby's mouth - then realising that their own mouth was gaping open? 🤣

First ooo post birth. I said I would nt do it. It would just have to stay in. I almost fainted.
Feeling like my womb was dropping into my knickers.

So true I was a bus alone and a fire engine passed I said look a nee naw to the stranger beside me (kids were in nursery /school)😂😂

That's literally hilarious so funny I actually laughed out loud reading it

So many years after mine were babies but yes I still rock trollies! I put it down now to going a bit senile!
as a naeve 21 years old I was shocked by how much I bled when I had my first daughter I was used to heavy periods and miscarriages but this was awful. when I had a bath it looked like murder had been committed
I could not bf because of medical reasons but I produced enough milk to feed quadruplets! i would put a clean top on and then by time I came downstairs I was soaked again, breast pads were useless!
I had terry nappies and I shall never forget all the pooh babies can produce, half the time the baby vests and babygrows had to go in the bucket with the nappies to soak they were in such a state! sluicing the nappies used to turn my stomach!

😂😂😂Only laughing out of sympathy!

😂😂😂

OMG I bet he felt great afterwards!

DS2 did a projectile poo as soon as his nappy came off for his six week check. It squirted everywhere, including on the lovely GP... I honestly don't know how so much poo came out of someone so small. The doctor was so flustered she missed a couple of checks and had to call me to come back the next week.

To make things worse, I had a checkup with the nurse straight after and had to sit there with a huge shit stain on my cream jumper.

I remember when I was potty training DS2. He was doing really well. I'd keep reminding him if he needed to poo, he'd need to sit on the potty and take off his nappy. Anyway, this one afternoon, I could tell he didn't want to sit on the potty, he was having one of those days and disappeared into the kitchen. Literally a few minutes later, I could smell the most horrendous smell in the living room as DS2 came screaming with poo all over his hand, legs, arms, face and hair (nappy still on). He did a poo in his nappy and decided to check it out with his hand-I guess. The stench must have been shocking so he tried rubbing it off on himself. But there was no going away from that smell!
I carried him, somehow (trying not to get poo on me and stop myself from vomiting), into the bath and gave him a good scrub. I was so pleased with myself, until I came downstairs and went into the kitchen. The smell, knocked me out! He'd tried wiping the poo off his hand and it was on the washing machine tumble dryer, chairs, floor, wall........I cried like a baby whilst cleaning it and thought to myself, what on earth had I done and would it get better?
He is now nearly 18, stuck in his room with his video games, doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want hugs-he recoils from them. I pine for my children's love but nope, they dont remember what us mothers went through! What have I created?! Does it get better? 😭

Repeating the mantra "Wee is sterile and not poison" over and over after the first face full from DS when the urge was to run screaming and heaving into a tub of boiling water.....