Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

[ElizaGolightly]

AIBU that no one warns you about completely surreal moments having a baby/child?

For example, I've been promised that nipple shields will save my life when breastfeeding my 2nd. I put them on - I now have plastic cones on my boobs that give Madonna a run for her money. So glam! Also who has the longest nipples in the world enough for these things!

DC2 sleeps very loudly. DH and I decide to DTD and he starts grunting (DC2 not DH). I realise shushing him works slightly so all the way through we alternate shushing the baby while trying to still concentrate.

Is it me that parenting is completely surreal sometimes and no one warns you that you will say and do things that are completely mad? Please tell me we aren't the only ones who have lost our minds and any dignity we once had?

The random things that make you cry in the haze of the first few days. When I came home from hospital with my 5-day-old DS, I cried and cried because "his family loves him but he does not have any friends at all" 🤪

I got to say the phrase "we don't touch our brothers' penises" to my children (4 and 2) today.

Oh my god! My Husband took our 3 month old to his Sisters for the afternoon as I had something on and he came back smelling of other people! I made DH sniff him to confirm it wasn't me going mad, and then I had to bath and moisturise him so he smells like my baby again!

In other things, I never imagined I'd happily get a boob out in the bank, nor spend so much time talking about poo with my DH. Safe to say the romance is on hold.

Dashing to the loo because of your weak pelvic floor a week postpartum and sitting on the loo, weeing and bleeding, while holding a newborn who’s stuck to your boob and needing to feed 24/7. That was my ‘wtf have I done’ moment.

When you are sat topless double pumping in your living room, knock at door so you shout DH. Person at door hears (amazon delivery), moves to look through front window and sees you 😆

Now when you fart and it sometimes bubbles to the front. Why does no-one talk about this?!

DD managed to shit out the side of her nappy, down her trousers and onto the carpet in a house we were viewing . Luckily the old guy showing us round didn't seem to notice, while one of us lagged behind cleaning it up.

DS was around a month old and we’d had our fair share of poonamis, nappy leaks and so on, but never had I experienced what I can only describe as being pebbledashed with shit due to a poorly timed nappy change and an ungodly sneeze (from him) right in the middle of it. On my bed, in the middle of the night. I sat there in complete shock, sprayed with baby shit and very calmly and silently handed over the reigns to DH as I scrubbed myself raw in the shower.
That was certainly not covered in any of the parenting classes I’d taken 😂

DS1 is 22 and it wasn't too long ago that I took his arm in the street and said "Look! A doggy!" He found it more funny than mortifying thank God!

Oh! I forgot about the banana baby poos!

Fanny farting repeatedly and uncontrollably in the face of the poor midwife who was stitching me up after my water birth. Bless her, she said it was normal and not to worry but oh god, the shame.

The feeling of all your organs just wobbling about inside your deflated belly 🤢

This was so bizarre and unexpected!

Oh this!
The afterpains from DC1 were bad but DC2 I was having full blown contractions for over 24 hours after and the feeling that my organs were moving after a 'afterpain' was so ugh. I'd forgotten about it til this comment.

It's been years since my DC used a buggy and yet I still always feel like I can't remember what to do with my arms when I walk without one

God I remember those days. Being anxious not to find a log in the bath.. 😆😆😆

The mad things I say to my toddler. 'No, don't wave your willy in your sister's face', 'we don't pretend to wee on people '. Currently potty training and willy out is a regular occurrence!

The utter ridiculousness that makes me want to scream, cry and laugh when I am pushing toddler to sleep in double buggy with one hand and feeding baby to sleep in sling because she mostly refuses to nap in the buggy, meaning I have to hold boob in correct position with the other hand. Add in rain and the only way to keep rain off baby's upturned face is an umbrella which obviously I have no hands to hold so I shove the end down my bra and sort of angle my head to keep it up. I do it, I keep calm and carry on, but every time I honestly think I don't think I can do this, I give up. But what else could I do?!

The swaying - I remember stood in the post office with DD in the sling. DH then took her to wander around whilst I queued up. The lady serving me said 'you know you're still swaying back and forth right?' Nope lol.

I think the more surreal moments kicked in when DD started talking and had some epic mispronunciations. Never in my life did I think I'd be on a packed bus with DD shouting FUCKERS at the top of her voice whilst I frantically tore open a packet of Organix Cheese Crackers going 'CRACKERS darling CRACKERS'

With DD I remember not being able to get to sleep when she was 3 days old because I was worried that when she was older she might get into an abusive relationship and what if I couldn't persuade her to leave! I'm blaming mumsnet for this moment of bat shittery as I think I'd probably read one of the many awful threads on here whilst scrolling in the getting to grips with breastfeeding cluster feeding baptism of fire.
More light hearted DD had a penguin that played white noise/lullaby as a sleep aid it was designed to activate if baby cried and I remember uttering the phrase "FFS you farting has set the penguin off" and having to listen to brahms lullaby for 20mins because DH had wind but we were to tired to move to turn it off.

Oh gosh, this was awful. I remember patting it and feeling what felt like loose intestines and the bottom pointy bits of my lungs (I'm sure it was just my ribs!). I was nearly sick.

Mine was having a poo a few days after a vaginal birth with an episiotomy, naked, holding all my nether regions together so as not to split my stitches. I screamed and bloody poo went everywhere. It was like a scene from Alien. Definitely a "Why did I do this" moment.

My eldest is 9 and I still feel like this when she comes home from grandparents! I thought I was the only one!

Although to be fair, DD(17) still likes to have trains, cranes, planes etc. pointed out and always gives her best Mr Bull "we're digging up the road!!!" impression for dumper trucks and diggers...

I still do that with Eddie Stobbart wagons usually when i'm alone. Son is now 32.

Twins and I remember them rocking away in their moses baskets doing the loudest adult sounding farts, coming from these tiny newborn babies!

Puréed spinach. I was the au pair and her mother had given her a jar of it. Truly Spectacular.

Oh yes my DD did this. Diarrhoea… up the wall.