Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

[ElizaGolightly]

AIBU that no one warns you about completely surreal moments having a baby/child?

For example, I've been promised that nipple shields will save my life when breastfeeding my 2nd. I put them on - I now have plastic cones on my boobs that give Madonna a run for her money. So glam! Also who has the longest nipples in the world enough for these things!

DC2 sleeps very loudly. DH and I decide to DTD and he starts grunting (DC2 not DH). I realise shushing him works slightly so all the way through we alternate shushing the baby while trying to still concentrate.

Is it me that parenting is completely surreal sometimes and no one warns you that you will say and do things that are completely mad? Please tell me we aren't the only ones who have lost our minds and any dignity we once had?

I was lying down bouncing DS over me when he was sick into my open mouth.

No one warned me that the first poo after birth would feel like the most dangerous shit of my life. Honestly thought my insides were going to come out too.

My son farted during a nappy change and a bit of poo shot across the room 🤣🤣 also the poo nami.....dear god it was up to his shoulders 🤢🤢🤣

I once grabbed my boss's arm and said "Mind the cars" after we left a business meeting. Mortifying!

When after two hours of desperately trying to get your toddler to sleep in a hotel bedroom (only the toddler thinks it's party time), you move the travel cot into the bathroom. Only then of course someone needs the loo so you move it into the walk-in shower, have an argument over whether or not this is safe and end up wrapping a raincoat around the shower head just in case it leaks during the night.

The next morning, one adult and the toddler are asleep in the king-size bed (toddler bang in the middle, adult precariously clinging to the side of the bed like they're on the summit of Mont Blanc) and the other adult is sleeping on a spare duvet on the floor in the (thankfully large) closet.

Poo missiles are regularly thrown in my house now 🤢 at 5 days old my oldest projectile pooed on my face at 4am.

Babies can burp really loud and toddlers happily announce that mummy’s bums bleeding on that time of the month! Or open the cubicle to wave to people ☠️

Oh yes! I'd forgotten all about this until I read your comment. My dh nearly called an ambulance, because I was screaming in pain on the loo. When I eventually emerged from the bathroom (after an hour and looking very much worse for wear), he was sat on the landing wearing latex gloves! Apparently it was just in case I "needed assistance". 🤣

I have the bubble farts and haven’t had a child. I’ve always had them. Wait till you get one in your period and it smells of period blood…

DH was left alone with DD for the first time- she was about 6weeks old. He rang to say there had been a poonami and it was everywhere- down her legs, between her toes, up her back, on her neck, in her hair, in her ears, the side of her face, down her arms in her hands, on her tummy and chest, her baby gro was covered, the changing mat was covered, the wall next to the changing mat. She had done it twice, once as he was changing her. He sounded panicky and said 'I can't believe something so small has produced so much disgusting shit. I don't know where she was storing it all. It just keeps spreading.'
He bathed her and changed her but we found bits of poo for about 3 days afterwards all over.

Yes. It's so mind-boggling.

I was not expecting my tits to become separate objects from my body. Completely changing shape and COLOUR.
Like, just watching them bob back and forth like moor hens while being pumped, or when the midwife ‘squeezed them into a burger shape to help latching’ or the lactation consultant handle them like a water balloon they were smashing into my baby’s face 😂.

Glad to have them bk.

They do say 'you'll never go to the bathroom alone again' but they don't say...
'you'll find yourself inviting your poo-phobic potty training toddler to the bathroom with you, counting excitedly as you listen for the plops together and inviting her to take a look before you flush'

There really is no dignity!

DD wanted to be fed every 2 house 24 hours a day and she'd never want a full feed, also she would only poo during a wet nappy change

You will catch your child's vomit in your hands. You might even walk around all day with baby sick on your clothes.

You will probably have to pick up your child's poo fro the floor or the bath at some point. Those baby snot suckers.....no one tells you about those.

When your older baby is bf and decided to take a good look around the room whilst still clenching on to your nipple which is stretching like chewing gum.

When you refer to yourself in the 3rd person beginning a sentence, Mummy says... to someone other than your dc 🤦‍♀️

Mine was like being in labour too, I hadn't been since my EMCS 5 days before, my mum sat & held my hand & rubbed my back as I gave birth to a bowling ball sized poo, I was mooing & puffing & panting.

Nobody told me that catching baby poo with a baby wipe would become a sport that should be in the Olympics, the number I caught to save wasting a clean nappy while changing ds.

This made me laugh. DS shat like a cannon all up my arm, on my top and on to the wall behind me right after I'd just got changed. He's got reflux so I spent 95% of the day covered in bodily fluids. I silently handed DH the child and stomped off to the shower 😂

Oh yes, I remember this. Also when I was overdue, people kept asking me if I'd had the baby yet. Tbh it made me think I was still going to look 9 months pregnant after I'd had him. On the plus side I thought I looked really thin after giving birth, despite looking about 6 months pregnant.

Ds puked all over exh one day, he silently handed him to me & went for a shower & to get changed, 2 minutes later ds did the same to me, covered my pjs from the shoulder down, I still can't imagine where it all came from.

The distance that can be achieved by projectile poo 😂

And you just reminded me of a nightmare morning years ago with 11 month old DS who had been walking since 7 months and was already a strong & determined escape artist.

We were in the kitchen. DS was playing on the floor with some bricks. I was making a birthday cake. I must have taken my eye off him for 20 seconds when outraged screaming. He had obviously tried to follow the cat out of the cat flap, had got his head and one shoulder through and had got firmly jammed.

Trying to dismantle a cat flap while holding a furious and wriggling, kicking toddler is not easy. Not helped by the fact the health visitor was due. It took both of us in the end, to get him free. I nearly rang the fire brigade at one point.

Muslins

You need muslins

Aka a cloth

Not sure what that was all about really

That first shower after your “straightforward vaginal birth” (straightforward my arse) too afraid to straighten up into a fully standing position in case your innards fell out onto the shower floor.

Then the horrifying sensation of what can only be described as thinly sliced liver slithering down your legs, while trying not to black out, terror compounded by the appalling sight of all that red swirling at your feet, Oh, and all the while your newborn is there, wailing behind the shower curtain.

I was having a rare sleep in one morning when baby DS was about 7 months old. I got woken in a hurry by DH who had come up holding DS who was totally orange. He had had an explosive poo, which had shot out of his nappy at the tops of his thighs on the side and he had been on his tummy moving around in it. DH was very good at watching him so it must have happened so quickly.
I followed him downstairs to some sort of horror scene, bright orange poo everywhere - remembering the sweet potato he had eaten for dinner the night before. Oh my god the mess, it was everywhere. He was coated in it.

I also remember the really weird feeling the day after having DS2 of leaning forward to change his nappy and having my insides just flopping against my belly skin. I had to hold my stomach because it felt awful.
Home Nurse came the next day and felt my stomach, I had really bad muscle separation so was I felt was exactly what was happening - my guts were indeed just resting against my inside belly skin. Absolutely disgusting. I had to wear a tight girdle type thing that I only had one of by my boobs kept leaking all the time.
It was mind blowing what a mess it all was.

nice it is helpful

Came to say something like this, DC2 is 11 days old so this memory is very fresh for me.