Weirdest/funniest moments about having a baby that no one warns you about?

[ElizaGolightly]

AIBU that no one warns you about completely surreal moments having a baby/child?

For example, I've been promised that nipple shields will save my life when breastfeeding my 2nd. I put them on - I now have plastic cones on my boobs that give Madonna a run for her money. So glam! Also who has the longest nipples in the world enough for these things!

DC2 sleeps very loudly. DH and I decide to DTD and he starts grunting (DC2 not DH). I realise shushing him works slightly so all the way through we alternate shushing the baby while trying to still concentrate.

Is it me that parenting is completely surreal sometimes and no one warns you that you will say and do things that are completely mad? Please tell me we aren't the only ones who have lost our minds and any dignity we once had?

I've just thought of another one. The trapped wind after having a c section. Oh my god. On about day 3, I vanished off to the toilet and spent about two hours crying, moaning and wanting it all to just end. I was warned about the first poo but not the wind that was agony for the first three weeks.

My daughter is 4. I still rock that trolley on my SOLO big shops 🤣

That deflated bump that someone mentioned up thread, I felt like it was just a void of air, very strange feeling.

Trying to stand after the birth with the midwife supporting you while you skittle about like Popeye's Olive Oyl.

Having to have the first bowel movement after the birth while you're gripping onto something so hard that your knuckles go white and your forehead is dripping with beads of sweat,
while you desperately try to squeeze it back up, knowing that eventually you're going to have to part company with it. Then eventually you have no choice but to grit your teeth and pray that your stitches won't burst.

Following a bath or a shower, you forgot about the stitches....until you caught them with the towel. Then you remembered big time!

Day three of trying to breastfeed a purple faced wailing baby who's struggling to latch on because your boobs are the size of watermelons with engorged milk, which has flattened your nipples, and in tears of frustration you shout, for god's sake please take it before my tits explode, there's enough here for the entire ward!! Then you look up and there's a ward full of surprised mums and shocked visitors staring at you.
Ok, that might have been just me 😳

Delighted when potty training that a pee was deposited into the loo, much clapping and joy.

Bath running as it was bath & bed time 7ish in the evening during this momentous event..

Went into little angels bedroom, baby blue carpet covered in diarrhoea as of course… no nappy on. Running around bare arsed as potty training.
Scrubbing carpet with tears flowing with despair.

I had zero childcare so had finished my run of night shifts at work, been awake ALL night at work then ALL day with toddler ds….decided I would get in the bath with him then go to bed myself.

We were in the bath, I’m pouring the water over my head to wash my hair when ds announces “I did a wee”, so I’m pouring piss over my head.

He gives me the oddest look then vomits all over my neck and chest.

So piss on my head and vomit dripping from my tits….
Dear reader, I don’t know how I survived those early dark dark days.

When DC1 was toilet training he would occasionally wee on the (wooden) floor. Once I caught DC2 paddling in it, stamping his little feet, splashing away. (They are a year apart)

From then on if DC1 told me he’d accidentally weed I’d go flying in to the playroom to grab DC2 before he went in the for paddle. I was SO worried there’d be a poo one day. Thankfully there never was. In that respect DC2, on his first birthday (I walked in to give him a huge cuddle) he was sitting in his cot quite happily playing with his own poo which he’d taken from the side of his nappy and smeared himself in it. Next day he did the same!

Many, many moments from wandering what to do with sick in my hair and on baby and realising the sick in my hair could wait and to sort out the baby first. Telling boys off for playing with willies so much that I respected to saying it will fall off ifthey keep playing with it so they now tell everyone that.

So much poo talk and definitely the rocking thing!!

My God, these posts are hilarious! 😂 my DS is 2 now but I'm pregnant with my second so reminding myself of the horror to come.

DS had CMPA and extremely bad reflux. We went out for Sunday lunch once (Toby Carvery). My DH popped to the toilet, by the time he came back DS had covered me in vomit head to toe, clothes were soaked front and back, everyone was looking, we were over 45 mins away from home and I had no spare clothes. I had to take my clothes off in the car and drive home just in my coat all sticky from replacement formula which really stinks. What I found surprising and quite gross was that within a few mins by the time staff came to help clear it up it had all disappeared into the carpet and couldn't be seen because of the pattern. Now I know why pubs have such weird patterns on the carpets

Oh, and my grandma who literally set up camp at my house to ' help ' giving me a proper telling off because I wanted to go for a short walk with my baby at a couple of weeks old.
You can't take the baby out without at least a dozen layers of clothing and half a dozen blankets and you shouldn't even be on your feet, let alone walking about! 😲
Crikey, I was only going to walk round the block, not climb Everest!!

Some of these are brilliant!
My favourite (I think I read it on here) was someone worrying about how their baby was dressed as they needed one more layer than an adult... so the mum took a layer off her clothes so they'd be just right...
I read it and had a flashback of doing this, completely oblivious in my sleep deprived state 😂

I've not had children so can I ask WTF was it that came out of you? Surely not the afterbirth?

Regularly put my bag and keys into the fridge and found the shopping still on the boot.

Got to Asda and my feet felt funny on the pedals of the car. Had my slippers on.
I wasn’t even going to Asda, I was going to Tesco so had no idea why I was there or why I still had my slippers on in that rainy car park.

Dark dark sleep deprived days.

I have come away from this thread feeling like I massively got away with it with DS, and thinking I'm right to want to stick to one as a result.

Only one mild poonami a week, and only one slightly sicky day about every 7-10 days. I still cried endlessly when he did his first big sick because I was worried he was so ill.

I almost lost it when he started weaning and was doing proper projectile vomit as he was very reactive. But some of my friends were looking at me because that's what their babies had been doing for months.

I can wholeheartedly remember the innards/first poo stuff though. And it was absolutely amazing to have a handheld shower attachment with a misting setting - just geeeeeeently spray my nethers after it.

I was behind a mum with her daughter in Costa in our local hospital the other day. Daughter was in a hospital wheelchair, broken ankle or similar. She asked her mum why she was rocking the wheelchair like a pram. Daughter was about 10.

Dettol-and then dishwasher about 100 times!

Finding myself really interested in my baby’s poops. What was the colour, texture, smell? Very weird!

You pass the placenta straight after birth but you keep bleeding for several weeks afterwards - there’s effectively a huge wound across the entire inside of your womb where the placenta has pealed away that needs to heal. So as well as being sore and knackered from giving birth, you’ve got to deal with a “period from hell” type situation. For me the worst of the bleeding stopped after about 5 or 6 days but I still had to wear big thick pads for a few weeks.

One bit of advice I had about the post-birth poo/wee was to have a plastic jug of warm water with a bit of olive oil in it to hand next to the loo to pour on yourself as you go. No idea if it actually made a difference but I definitely felt better and the reality was not as bad as the anticipation!

My strongest memory is coming home from the hospital. I out the baby in the Moses basket and then suddenly thinking. "Wtf ami supposed to do now"

DD did this at a similar age,it was 3 o'clock in the morning and it went all over me as I was changing her.

I had a third degree tear surgically repaired after having dd1. The next morning my mum answered the phone when I was in the shower and when I came down she said “the midwife phoned from the hospital to ask if you’ve been to the toilet yet”. Wtf. Is this what my life is like now

When my youngest was a newborn she projectile vomited over the dog who was a few feet away. The dog licked it off himself like it was a treat. I was sat in disbelief that this was my life now

Talking of still doing things with your kids when they are much older - DSil once asked DN ( is that right for nephew?!) if he needed a wee before they left & he was about 20 at the time 🤣🤣

Same as pp's - many, many poo incidents which would have horrified me before I gave birth, but which I shrugged off with gay abandon after a fortnight with a newborn. One of the highlights was having to check back of my baby's HEAD when he did one of those long, rumbling sharts. It was like a witches cauldron coming to the boil.

I remember wearily watching a poo rising to the surface of DS2's bath when he was about 11 months old. He pointed at it excitedly shouting 'Dine-sor', which had been his first and only word for about a month. He got great value out of that word😅

That the gentle brush of my light top on my nipples would cause me to feel like I'd just walked into a freezing void. Almost passed out. Was then sat in my lounge going "I'm not going back to hospital! I'm not going back to hospital!" as both I and my newborn had been kept in for a week as we both had serious infections.
Found out many moons later that it was something to do with triggering a calcium release and actually wasn't all that uncommon.
Also, that when your uterus starts to contract back into its old shape after a c-section, it is beyond painful.

Omg this! I thought I was the only person this mad 😅