Neighbour conflict

[Amumof287]

Sure this is a common problem. We have lived in our house 4 years. Our neighbour is a lady who lives there with her adult son. I guess he’s in his 30s.

our 7 year old loves football. He plays football outside for perhaps an hour a day maximum on the days we’re home. In the summer holidays we’ve been away for 3 weeks. The other 3 weeks he has played outside. We are a family who go out a lot and he does multiple clubs, we’re always at the park etc so it’s certainly not excessive. 2 weeks of the holidays he was at football camp all day ever day in the week.

since we’ve lived here he’s knocked on her door to ask for his football back maybe 6 times in total. The last time he asked she said no. Balls do go over her fence sometimes, not every day. But unfortunately we don’t have a large garden and it does happen. We have asked him to try not to do it. Usually we just wait for them to be thrown back.

he’s never broken anything in her garden. She doesn’t have any plants/pots or anything like that. They just land on the grass.

she’s posted a very long letter though my door this morning saying it’s very disruptive when he knows on the door and can I stop them going over.

so my solution is I stop him playing football outside or I try to put up some kind of net? Has anyone done this? Any recommendations? Or ways to make the fence higher?

in total I would say she throws a ball back once a week in the summer and never in the winter since the garden gets too muddy to play. He’s a really polite little boy. We have a little girl who causes her no issues at all. We’re not a noisy family, as I say we’re detached anyway.

shes never ever complained about it at all to my face, just posted a letter and ran off. She’s also complained about us parking outside her house which I don’t understand because we don’t do that. And we live on a quiet road with hundreds of parking spaces. She lives next to the circle at the of the cul de sac which is always empty and she has a driveway. I can only assume perhaps someone visiting me has parked outside her house but that would be on occasion only. She says she needs the parking space for the kids she teaches (very loud and annoying) violin. I don’t want conflict but this seems so petty.

So she borrows the mower but can't be bothered to chuck a ball back occasionally? That's petty.

I have to admit it can get annoying when the ball continually comes over the fence, but six times in four years is nothing.

Our neighbour's son was constantly getting the ball over the fence. Once or twice I was unable to go to the door (like, just jumped in the shower) so he had to wait till I was good and ready to send it back.

I think the best thing to do is for you to ask her to just throw it back when she gets the chance. Maybe having the ball less will make your son more careful. Otherwise maybe put up a net.

So petty

I Chuck things back over my neighbours fence, no big deal

Old NdN never minded my ds collecting his ball

I have to admit it can get annoying when the ball continually comes over the fence, but six times in four years is nothing.

From my understanding the ball goes over at least every week in the summer, it's only 6 times the DS has knocked to ask for it back. The rest of the time I assume the neighbour is throwing it back over.

@TeenLifeMum
Seriously, one ball in a lifetime
could upset 'private people' true MN 🤣
You can just chuck it back no need for a chat.

To be fair she does chuck them back she doesn’t want the child coming to her door. As mumsnet is notorious for folks who don’t answer there door I’m surprised at folks loving this.

6 times is 5 times too many. She wrote you a note and didn't rant at your door. You will need to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

Just ask her to throw the balls back as she clears her lawn to mow with your mower.

There's a negotiation to be had. You can stop the balls going into her garden in return for her providing sound proofing so you don't hear the loud and awful violins. Or else both live and let live.

Put up a net. Ask the child to kick the ball lower. It wouldn’t bother me but it could get a bit annoying…

I live next door to a football mad 8 year old. Sometimes I come home from work with multiple balls in my garden. I just pop them back over. His parents make him apologise but he doesn't need to, life really is too short to get upset over balls that cause no damage. I think youre neighbour is being a bit petty however, we all have our bug bears.

Could you get him another couple of footballs, so he has a spare for when one has been knocked over?
She doesn't seem upset about throwing them back in her own time, just answering the door.

Seriously?

@Amumof287

I'd get a net just to save yourself stress. Also get him a couple of balls so he doesn't need to knock and can keep playing and she can throw them over at her convenience.

Obviously different personalities clashing here. She writes a letter and puts through your door and you claim she "ran off", insinuating cowardice or something. So what if she doesn't want to engage face to face with you if it's a disagreement but has no problem when it's not one? Surely it doesn't harm you. She asks to borrows thing and you have the right to refuse - it's not a transaction to then do something for you if she can't.

You clearly prefer confrontation, she doesn't. You clearly expect something she doesn't want to do more than every once in a blue moon. Your son's football bounces everytime and she endures it just like you "endure" her violin lessons, but you're both doing it in your own homes and have a right to do so.

She has the right to not fetch someone else's ball in her own home. Find a way to keep your son's ball in your home and stop being entitled to someone's time and energy.

Thanks for the recommendation, always prefer to buy something tried and tested. Will pick one of these up and hopefully solves the issue.

I would write a letter to her complaining about the noise from her property when she's giving music lessons and ask if she has planning permission to run such a business from home. She probably won't need it but it might make her think about being a good neighbour.
I wouldn't be lending her anything in future...

I live next door to a family with two young boys, they are a respectful family, no issues to really speak of. We both have really large adjoining back gardens with a 6ft fence between and my back garden gate is locked from the inside. I quite like the sound of them playing (although they aren't too loud).

However boys will be boys, we get a succession of footballs shuttlecocks, foam darts etc in our garden. If it wasn't for the locked gate I would just tell them to nip in and get them, they are decent kids and its harmless fun. As a kid I did a lot worse.

So now the rule of thumb is that they have a couple of footballs, they play with one, if it comes over over the fence, they go to ball two. When I am in the garden, I find the balls, shuttlecocks etc and wham them back over the fence - no harm done on either side.

Given your neighbour has screeching violin playing going on, I think she needs a reality check and she would have been better talking to you about it first, rather than starting with a letter. But ultimately she can refuse to answer the door and return the ball. Personally I think is being a bit intolerant but, put a net up above your fence....I have a sneaky feeling she won't like that either. Its just not worth falling out over something so minor (this reflects badly on her and not you).

Not the same thing. OP's ball comes into her home where she's minding her business.

Lessons are in her home just as noisy football is in OP's home. They both are doing nothing wrong there.

The net that someone else posted a link to looks good and could solve the problem.
Unless he's whacking the ball against the fence, or he has a football team of friends screeching in the garden then she's being a bit petty, especially as she has kids learning the violin next to you and random cars parked outside. I'd have a casual chat when you next see her

I’m pretty intolerant but even I couldn’t get fussed about a ball coming over the fence a few times a week as long as it’s not causing damage.

i did however used to get the rage at a football being kicked non stop for hours at the fence. The constant loud thud made me homicidal. Eventually they moved and it was bliss until the new neighbours bought a basketball hoop and it turned out they were also raising screamers. They were nice people though and I didn’t want bad feeling so I took my grumpy intolerance and moved house.

Is the football also hitting the fence loudly and continually as this may be impacting her low tolerance. Also maybe invest in a foam ball for the garden so if it does go over it’s not going to potentially cause damage and isn’t noisy when it hits the fence.

May also be best to tell your son that he can. I longer knock on the door to ask for the ball back and will just have to wait for it to be returned.

and she would have been better talking to you about it first, rather than starting with a letter.

She communicated with OP. Face to face or letter is still communication via different modes. A letter isn't automatically formal and is just as acceptable and valid as verbal confrontation.

Though it can be considered more impersonal, if anything, a letter is a gentler approach because it gives people time and space to react. Some neighbours can really go from 0 - 100 when put on the spot.

We were lucky with our neighbours, we only had a low wall between the gardens and the two elderly ladies next door just told our boys to hop over and retrieve their balls if they went over. I think it's fair enough that she doesn't want your little one knocking on her door so can you just wait for her to throw the ball back over? Might be worth investigating the ball on elastic thing too!

I beleive it's important to have a reasonable relationship with your neighbours even when you think they are being unreasonable. Get your son 4 footballs - approx one a week. If he kicks one over, he can get 'next week's' ball. Once a month, he can call round to retrieve any of the balls he has kicked over to reset the four balls per month. Also talk to your son about how good footballers control the ball so incidents like this happen less often. Tell your neighbour this is what you are doing and agree with her that he has accesss to her garden once a month to retrieve the balls.

I’d just throw the ball back. It’s hardly arduous and it doesn’t sound excessive. He’s only 7 and it’s good he’s playing outside rather than inside on a screen.
The violin lessons sound awful so she needs to give and take.
I wonder if she’s registered as running a business from her home - if that is a requirement.

This is so easy to resolve.

Get a net, I don't know why you wouldn't do that anyway.

If by any chance a ball still does go over the fence, tell your son not to knock to ask for it back. He waits for her to throw it back (or not).