I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

[plhelm]

Hello, hope someone can help me find some perspective. I just feel totally lost and sad at the moment. I’ve NC as I don’t want to be outed.

Being from an Asian background, when I got married 17 years ago I was expected to live with the in laws. It took a lot of adjusting but I was able to do it has I was younger. Now I’m older, I feel like I want to be in control of my life and not be told off like a little girl all the time. My mother in law in very domineering and must have the last word. I get told off constantly. Either it’s the way I’m looking after the children, or how I’ve cooked a meal.

I have very limited say in anything. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that he won’t move out and if I do, it’ll mean a divorce. He said I knew the situation when I married him. Tbh the relationship isn’t great anyway and I feel like a single mum anyway.

I just need to escape. The problem is my finances aren’t great. It’s all tangled up with the household finances which my MIL has ultimate control over.

The kids go to school in a nearby town, the houses are ridiculously expensive, I won’t be able to afford even on my full time salary.

I’m worried if I leave, that my husband will get the kids, because he’s in a better financial position. My family lives in another part of the country and won’t be able to help. I just don’t know where to start.

Thank you for reading!

How old are your kids? Can you wait until they’re a little older?

Do you work OP? Do you have access to your own finances etc? If not, get that sorted before anything else. Start saving a fund for your eventual escape.

You could also try couples counseling as well to see if your DH can be persuaded to move. Threatening you with divorce is just cruel; he doesn’t sound like he cares about your feelings very much.

Sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find a way forward. Good luck!

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I work full time but unfortunately don't have a great salary. He has access to all my banking accounts and I'm worried that he'll find out what I'm doing if I try and put money to one side. The kids are 11, 14 & 15

You will get some unhelpful advice here, because many people won't understand the cultural issues at play. The good thing is that you work full-time, so concentrate on your career, and find a way to hide as much money as you can. Do you have wedding jewellery? See if you can get hold of it, and lock it away somewhere very safe. That's an asset that belongs to YOU.

If the children are at school, you have a maximum of 13 years you have to live this way. It's not really long, and you could squirrel away a lot of cash in 13 years.

Yeah I agree with PP - people aren’t going to understand unless from the same culture. Do you feel safe if you were to try and leave? I’m not Asian myself, but I married into an Asian family when I was younger and I know the extremities of what can happen, especially when you try to leave the family set-up.

He doesn't need access to all your banking!! Set yourself up a new bank account. Put £20 into it to keep it open while you work out what to do. If possible, get your salary paid into it, and then transfer money across to the joint account.

Work like crazy, get promoted, get a payrise but DONT TELL HIM. Keep transferring the basic money across to the joint account, keep all the extra money for yourself.

By the way, your MIL is nasty because she was treated like this by her own MIL, so she thinks it's "her turn" to be the Queen of the Household. You don't have to carry on this tradition, you can break free but it won't be easy.

You are being abused.

Can you get legal advice? Many solicitors will give 30 minutes free advice which would give you some reassurance. Or if you belong to a trade union at work they often provide legal support.

It’s difficult situation

I feel for you. I’m sure you can plan to escape … I guess it will be difficult and you may have to move area.

Could you ask your employer to pay part of your salary into another account to allow you to squirrel away some money? Like set up your own freedom account and put 1 per cent of your salary in there and up it when you can? Having access to an emergency fund if you need it could mean you have some options when you are ready

I’d absolutely start a rainy day fund. A good tip is to take get cash back when you shop. That way it just looks like spending. I’d be a bit careful about opening a bank account as it can get flagged up if anyone at the address is financially savvy.

Fantastic advice!

Have you been living with her the whole 17 years of your marriage?

Yes I've lived with them for the past 17 years. I think everyone's right, I need to start saving up. I don't even know how much I would need to start up again.

I just feel suffocated especially by the hypocrisy as my SIL- my husband's sister, has her own house and her own freedom. She wasn't expected to live with her in laws but I am- she comes and goes as she likes.

I just feel like I don't have a home, a space to feel safe. To avoid confrontation, I stay in my room but I can hear my MIL complaining about me.

I just want to be able to live my life and give my children a good life.

So sorry OP

Yes it is very hard to understand

I agree about the bank accounts. Have you got any supportive siblings

I think take PP advice and go get a free consultation with a solicitor and see what you financial situation after this would be like.

Good luck

Could you contact an organisation such as Southall Black Sisters for support & advice. They may have more help & advice with regard to cultural issues in your marriage.
I believe one of their first campaigns involved Asian marriage, so they have insight.

You're being abused and in response to a PP, 13 years is a huge amount of time to live like this. You’re living half a life. Get saving & make plans to get out. You deserve your own life & freedom.

If you moved out into rented you should be able to get the housing element of UC.

Is the house you live in owned or rented, does your DH have any ownership of it?

At those ages it will be the children's decision where they live, not your husband's. If you want to leave then you'll have to compromise where you live. I would get legal advice and look for a better paid job. Check out what benefits you may be entitled to.

This is domestic abuse, under the guise of cultural norms and expectations.

Karma Nirvana are a fantastic organisation who will be able to offer you specialist support, and direct you to local resources.

I hope you find your freedom soon

@PonyPatter44
Do you think OP can easily open a new account without her DH knowing?
And not everyone can work and get promotions , not all jobs have that scope.
Usual MN nonsense.

Thank you for all your replies. I will get in touch with these organisations when I'm back at work next week. Hopefully they will have some advice about the next step to take.

My husband owns half the house we live in currently.

My wedding jewellery, I have no idea? I need to find out where it is but I have a feeling, my husband has it all.

Thankfully I do have some savings, it's not a lot but I have some. Just have no idea, how to take control of my life because I've never had the opportunity.

Another vote for contacting Karma Nirvana. Their definition of honour abuse (which is their focus) covers what you're going through.

https://s40641.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/KN_DoM23_HBA-Definition_V2-lite82.pdf

Here is their helpline

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/helpline/

Your kids are old
Enough to make
Their own minds up where they want to live. Ur husband can't just take them. Are u in the UK?
A solicitor/lawyer is what you need and fast.
Go online to your area and find someone who will
Give free advice.
Start as said getting money put away asap. U need money the rent a home and a deposit on first months rent and to possibly furnish with near essentials. Bed, cooker, clothing etc. u need to keep proof of every single bank account u know of. And u need to get hold of ID for you and kids, passports birth certificates and bank accounts.

Meant to add. Good luck, don't be put off by the amount of work, you will soon get your head around it all. You are finally going to live your life your own way.
Be prepared for when family find out they will pull u in all direction, especially saying you will never cope and kids won't want you. You need to not believe this and have confidence to not listen to them.
Well done for making the first step and asking for help. You can do this. Don't let anyone ever tell you you can't. Rooting for you x

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