I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

[plhelm]

Hello, hope someone can help me find some perspective. I just feel totally lost and sad at the moment. I’ve NC as I don’t want to be outed.

Being from an Asian background, when I got married 17 years ago I was expected to live with the in laws. It took a lot of adjusting but I was able to do it has I was younger. Now I’m older, I feel like I want to be in control of my life and not be told off like a little girl all the time. My mother in law in very domineering and must have the last word. I get told off constantly. Either it’s the way I’m looking after the children, or how I’ve cooked a meal.

I have very limited say in anything. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that he won’t move out and if I do, it’ll mean a divorce. He said I knew the situation when I married him. Tbh the relationship isn’t great anyway and I feel like a single mum anyway.

I just need to escape. The problem is my finances aren’t great. It’s all tangled up with the household finances which my MIL has ultimate control over.

The kids go to school in a nearby town, the houses are ridiculously expensive, I won’t be able to afford even on my full time salary.

I’m worried if I leave, that my husband will get the kids, because he’s in a better financial position. My family lives in another part of the country and won’t be able to help. I just don’t know where to start.

Thank you for reading!

You are absolutely not being too sensitive.

You have no physical or financial freedom. That is abusive. Sounds potentially like a coercive relationships with both your DH and MIL. Coercive control is illegal in the UK. Remember that when you feel like you're overreacting.

Why shouldn't you be able to live in a way that makes you happy?

Just sending you 💐 OP. You’ve had some good advice on this thread. It may take you a while to figure out your next steps, but you’ll get there.

Given your children’s ages, I wouldn’t worry too much about custody. I imagine you’ll take things slowly to be in the best position, so your youngest may be a teenager when you move out. They’ll be old enough to spend time with you independently.

Well done everyone 👏 👍 who is contemplating an enormous life changing step
A big hurdle for separating couples is child contact
An abusive partner will continue to abuse, surveill and control through the children
Find out what child contact looks like for children under 12.....The Courts will give your new address to the abuser to enforce child access and custody in some cases, so please stay safe and find out your options first.
Post separation abuse presents a risk to many women and their children
Contact AWRC, IKRWO and other specialist domestic abus charity helplines for advice on leaving safely.
Don't Use the family laptop without clearing the cache or history!!!!!!

Start a long term plan to move out - at this point keep the option open for it to be with your husband but plan assuming he’s not coming and also could be hostile about it.

Just having a specific plan and steps will make things feel a little better and each small step you take towards your own control of things will feel better and help you stick out a long term plan.

If you could stand the idea of a five year plan then your youngest will be 16 by then and the two oldest adults. Even if you can only take it for another three years then the two younger children will be old enough to have their say in any custody dispute.

Open your own accounts that only you have access to - you need your own savings and own checking account. You can start slowly - move savings and small amounts there first, or immediately get your wages paid to an account only you have access to - and then direct debit any money over to current household needs.

Start thinking strategically about your career and how it will fit your future - promotion, changing companies who have offices in different parts of the country depending on where you ultimately might like to move to when the kids have left home.

Excellent advice @wordler.

Forgive me for my cultural ignorance but what would happen if you said no to MIL about finances?

Who owns the house? Are your family aware of the situation too?

I’m sorry OP this is utterly shit, no-one should live like this. As an asian woman I need you to know, It is also not normal, don’t let them gaslight you into thinking this is normal. Most don’t live like this (your SIL being a case in point).

It’s easy to think you’ll be seen as the bad guy, but tell any woman and most men that this is how you are treated most would be horrified. Don’t at any point think there is something wrong with you, you are not being too sensitive, this is control and financial abuse. Come back to this thread as much as you want and there will be a bunch of us cheering you on.

I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. My MIL is giving me the silent treatment at the moment. It's so awkward being at home. My husband is being weird with me too. I wonder what I'm being accused of behind my back.

My plan is find somewhere to live before I even mention divorce as it will be unbearable living here. Going to save as much as I can.

It's just daunting because I've not even had my own car let alone a house.

They've always said, you don't need this and that. You can drive one of our cars.

My parents will not be supportive unfortunately.

This is very unfair

Why on earth does your husband not want to move into his own place with you

Yes, my husband and his family are all ignoring me too. It is very difficult living under the same roof but I own a share in this house so do not want to leave until I get it. I try and keep myself busy with work and getting out the house. I have private messaged you.

Move out, when you are ready, even if it is in a few years time. Don't get divorced unless there is a pressing legal reason to do so - you can separate your daily finances without getting divorced. The reason I say this is because if MIL owns half the house, it will presumably go to your DH when she passes on (if not gone on care home fees).
Then you divorce him when he owns the whole house, and take the value of half the house for yourself.

You will definitely need to move out if you want to avoid being MIL carer.

In the meantime, you have to detach emotionally. Stop caring if MIL is giving you the silent treatment - think of it as a welcome break from her voice.
Stop caring if there is a weird atmosphere in the home or if they are talking about you. You have to decide you will stop letting their moods affect you.
Easier said than done, but that is the only way to protect yourself until you leave.

Hi OP we often hear of these stories from people getting stuck in a family with controlling emotionally draining in laws. What you need to remember is that this will be affecting your children as they will be seeing the affect it is having on you. Please be strong and get some advise from organisations as there are alot of agencies willing to help. Karma nirvana being one

Could you get your jewellery back under the guise of taking it to be cleaned or repaired or stones checked incase anything is loose? Then 'forget' to collect it to explain not giving it back to H or MIL or be 'surprised' when the jewellers tell you what it's worth and present it as a done deal that you've put it in a safe deposit box at the bank because you're worried about it - maybe say a colleague has been burgled?

Do you have anywhere or anyone you can trust to keep your jewellery safe? You could buy a small safe so it's secure if you've got a family member or good friend that you absolutely trust. I think actual safety deposit boxes are quite expensive so probably not viable unless only needed for a short period.

You shouldn't assume that your husband will get custody just because he is the higher earner. Can you start to squirrel away money? And as PP mentioned, put your jewellery aside, this is yours to sell should you need to. Is there anyone you trust who you can talk to about this? I'm sorry you're in this position, it's obvious how distressed you are. Good luck.

Another organisation who can help are Surviving Economic Abuse (https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/)

They have worked tirelessly to make it easier for abused women to create escape funds and they will be able to advise you which banks have signed up to provide secret accounts / have trained staff teams you can speak to who understand what you're going through.

All I can say is I sympathise with you. I am engaged to an Indian man so I understand what u mean when you say domineering. My mil has caused so so many issues in our relationship and I feel like my partner doesn’t have my back. She criticises everything I do with my children, their names, how they are dressed. She’s called me fat. She judges my life as I’m white and have a 19 and 17 yo from a previous relationship (only left their dad because he was abusive). She knows he was abusive but told me I should have stayed and made it work. I do understand that in Asian culture the respect for elders is there no matter their behaviour but I struggle with this. It has actually caused me to wonder if this is the family I want to be involved in.
I love the idea of getting cash back when you go shopping and hide it away. He surely won’t miss £20 a week especially when prices are sky high anyway. Give it a few years and chuck it all in an account and look at your options. In the meantime, find joy in your children and hang in there xx

This. This is how I put money aside. Every time I went grocery shopping I used a card and got cash back, so it doesn’t show. Just make sure to bin the receipt as soon as you leave the shop. I saved the cash but I don’t know how easily you can hide a growing pile of cash

I feel for you. My neighbour was in the same situation- the day her husband died she said to me, “Well she (MiL) is going straight to her other son’s.”
Try to concentrate on work and build up your confidence. If you can, try to be subliminally rebellious and hold those little triumphs in your heart.
As your children grow, they’ll see the situation for what it is and be supportive.
Above all, know that you ARE strong and will survive this - and divorce is acceptable these days.

Knowledge is power. It gives you confidence to do what you need to do. Do as you have said and seek legal advice from an organization that will understand your cultural nuance. They would have handled several cases like yours or worse. Be wise and discreet about the steps you take. I pray you succeed. Just know that you are in an abusive situation and that the system does not condone it. You can live better and deserve better, so go for it. Rooting for you too!

I'm sending you healing hugs. I know you will get through this because the first stage was you accepting something isn't right. That's when change happens; when the realisation hits. Everything will work out as you've already started the change by posting here. Xxx

Honestly your partner should have your back. If he doesn’t then back out of this, I am asian and DH has had firm words in the past with family members who have overstepped. It is a good thing to be respectful towards members of your family, that is not the same as accepting everything they do and say, It is not ok for him to allow his mum to speak to you like this. Personally I would run.

He won’t get the kids if you leave, at most he’ll get 50% of childcare. I’m not exactly sure how council flats work, but would you be eligible for one? Have you looked into what benefits you’d be entitled to?

I feel enraged and indignant that you do not have ownership of your wedding jewellery. That is absolutely YOURS by rights, historically in part for just this situation, when a woman might need her own resources.

You've had some great advice. Keep talking to us. Make sure you do so safely.

Are you on a private device that no one else accesses? Even if you are, and especially if you're not, keep clearing your history, use a private browser, and be diligent about not leaving this page or similar open.

What do your parents /family think about what you're experiencing?

My friend's family went and removed her sister from the husband and MIL because he was going to kill her.

My mom's friend was a lovely man who chose his wife, so moved her and his children out of his parents' house.

It only seems to work where you have a supportive husband or family. Your husband doesn't seem to care, so engage the agencies suggested. Good luck in achieving your freedom. This is no way to live.