I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

[plhelm]

Hello, hope someone can help me find some perspective. I just feel totally lost and sad at the moment. I’ve NC as I don’t want to be outed.

Being from an Asian background, when I got married 17 years ago I was expected to live with the in laws. It took a lot of adjusting but I was able to do it has I was younger. Now I’m older, I feel like I want to be in control of my life and not be told off like a little girl all the time. My mother in law in very domineering and must have the last word. I get told off constantly. Either it’s the way I’m looking after the children, or how I’ve cooked a meal.

I have very limited say in anything. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that he won’t move out and if I do, it’ll mean a divorce. He said I knew the situation when I married him. Tbh the relationship isn’t great anyway and I feel like a single mum anyway.

I just need to escape. The problem is my finances aren’t great. It’s all tangled up with the household finances which my MIL has ultimate control over.

The kids go to school in a nearby town, the houses are ridiculously expensive, I won’t be able to afford even on my full time salary.

I’m worried if I leave, that my husband will get the kids, because he’s in a better financial position. My family lives in another part of the country and won’t be able to help. I just don’t know where to start.

Thank you for reading!

Thank you, it has possibly caused irreversible resentment to be honest. I can’t get over how badly his family has treated me and he still worships them. I just never saw myself as a single mum of 4, but these things happen I guess. My sympathy lies with OP though as she lives with hers. I hope she finds the strength to remove herself and children from this and lives a happy life!

Good advice

I'd like to reiterate what some PPs have said: this is abuse, with the dressings of cultural customs.

It is totally possible to honour cultural norms like respect for elders, close proximity to family, etc., without emotional, financial and psychological (or indeed any form of) abuse.

That isn't what's happening here for you, OP. You are NOT being too sensitive. This is NOT just the way things have to be. Personal freedom is the right of every human being, regardless of culture.

Engaging in customary closeness to relatives and hierarchies of respect absolutely can be done healthily, so don't think I'm saying that non-western cultures are inherently abusive. Not at all. But what is causing you suffering right now IS abuse, and you have the right to be free from it.

Thank you for all your replies. It's giving me some perspective. My parents are not particularly supportive and don't see anything wrong. To them, staying together for the kids is the most important thing to do. I've just been advised by them to just ignore it. I'm back in the office this week so I'm going to start looking into these support groups. It's just daunting to go out there on my own. My plan currently is to save as much as I can without my in laws noticing.

Can you open a separate bank account and keep it to yourself. Every month move a sum of money into it.

Wishing you all the best OP. It's really unfortunate that they know so much about your finances.

Try BAWSO. https://bawso.org.uk/en/
I live in Wales, not sure where you are but you could contact BAWSO for advice x

The organisation below may be able to help you.

Saheli.org

You are I'm a hard position but read on here. Many English women also have been financially controlled and abused nit by mil but dh. So you can leave also, just as they left

In not I'm

Depending where you work, you might wish to explain something to your work as well? I know I would be very happy to support my employee using the office address as a correspondence address in circumstances like these and you might find your employer feels likewise.

OMG 17 years living like this 🥺
Just because it’s the culture doesn’t mean it’s right.
I sincerely hope you can make use of the advice here and get your life back OP.
💐

Wishing you the very best, OP, such a difficult situation.

Could you ask a trusted member of your family to open an account in their name & you transfer money into that account so they are saving for you & it doesn't look like your money? Also let you family know how you feel & ask their advice. Could any of your family or close friends put you & the kids up if you did decide to leave? Try & talk with your husband & see if he is serious about a divorce if you leave his parents home. It's very unfair on you if he expects you to live where you're not happy.